How to Stop Walking on Eggshells
Marlene Chism
We build drama-free leaders that drive growth and reduce costly mistakes. | Leadership clarity, confidence, & conflict capacity.
The term "walking on eggshells" means handling someone with care because they're easily offended, overly sensitive or defensive. We alter our behavior in order to alter theirs.
We avoid conversations, hide bad news, appease them when necessary. We do it with rude bosses, defensive high performers and sensitive colleagues.
We truly don't want to contribute to unnecessary drama, so we alter our behavior, and in doing so we contribute to a culture of avoidance.
If you’re walking on eggshells, you think it’s because of them.
Here’s an uncomfortable truth: It’s not them. It’s you.
You don’t like how you feel when they’re defensive, rude, or too sensitive.
You want them to be different than they are. So, you walk on eggshells. You appease. You adjust. You avoid.
So, I'm going to ask you to pretend for a moment.
Are you ready to make your pretend world a reality?
Here's a step by step recipe for making the shift and the expanded explanation.
1.??????? Accept them as they are.
2.??????? Stop being responsible for how they act and feel.
3.??????? Change your intention.
Accept them as they are
We’re all at different levels of personal growth. Most of us have blind spots we haven’t yet discovered. So, when someone is defensive, rude or sensitive, what if that’s OK with you? That’s just how they cope in a moment of surprise.
Stop being responsible for how they feel and act
You don’t have to be responsible for their behavior or for their feelings. They have a right to process information they way they do. You can set a boundary, call a time-out or pause. You don’t have to beat yourself up for how they show up!
Change your intention
If you are able to be honest with yourself, you'll find that your hidden intention is to protect them, protect yourself, or manipulate the situation so that you don't have to feel things you don't want to feel. So, instead of intending to protect, appease or manipulate what if you intended to improve your relationship, give honest feedback, and support them in their journey of growth?
What to know
Instead of wishing they would break their old patterns, decide to break yours. When you break yours first, they have to face themselves in the mirror. You have stopped plugging in to the dysfunctional dynamic and what's left is for them to take ownership of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.?
What keeps dysfunctional patterns in place is when you catch yourself appeasing or avoiding, then you promise yourself, you’ll do better next time. ?
I’ve found that this is not true. You'll continue to smile when you’re angry. You’ll continue to agree when you disagree. You'll continue to allow people to cross your boundaries.
You won’t get it right the next time because you've ingrained coping patterns that ensures that when you’re caught off guard, you react instead of respond.
How to shift the pattern after a mistake
Pick that one situation with that one person where you walked on eggshells. Approach them and say this, "I need to circle back around about yesterday. I'm afraid I wasn't entirely honest with you and it's been bugging me. I want to have a real relationship with you even when we disagree."
Then speak your truth and be OK with their reaction. Pause. Breathe.
Stay in the relationship. Take a break if you must but stay in the conversation.
I guarantee you will feel exhilarated. That is because you’re breaking a pattern. You'll get stronger over time; you'll have more integrity in your relationships and you'll learn to trust yourself more.
Marlene Chism is a consultant, speaker, and the author of?? From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading (Berrett-Koehler 2022). She is a recognized expert on the LinkedIn Global Learning platform. Connect with Chism via?LinkedIn ,?or at MarleneChism.com
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Student BYU-Pathway Worldwide
1 个月Great advice
Develop courage, beat avoidance, and enjoy your relationship.
2 个月I love the practical example of talking to someone. "I need to circle back around about yesterday...I'm afraid I wasn't entirely honest with you and it's been bugging me. I want to have a real relationship with you even when we disagree."
Develop courage, beat avoidance, and enjoy your relationship.
2 个月I like the part when you said: "Instead of wishing they would break their old patterns, decide to break yours."
Human Resources Director SIH, Assistant Lecturer SIU Healthcare Mgmt, Intercultural Development Inventory Qualified Administrator, Real Colors Certified Facilitator, Certification DEIB, Safe Zone Facilitator, L&D
2 个月Love you for always giving us a space to share…I’ve never liked the phrase "walking on eggshells" because it instantly diminishes someone else’s feelings. When I say I’m walking on eggshells around someone, what I’m really doing is anticipating their negative reaction to something I personally find trivial or unjustified. That’s a form of minimization—making it about my discomfort rather than acknowledging their emotions. But here’s the thing: people are driven by different experiences, traumas, and personal histories. Just because someone reacts differently than I would doesn’t mean they’re overreacting. Who am I to decide someone’s being too sensitive or dramatic? Their response is rooted in something real for them. Instead of dismissing it, we should honor those emotions, even when they don’t match our own. To truly understand each other, we need to stop reducing feelings to what makes sense only to us.
Senior Manager @ Aris Consulting | Educator at Heart | Certified Business Strategy, Harvard Business School | Certified Master Trainer | SSGB | MS - Management DSc | MBA - Marketing | BBA - Finance
2 个月We must adopt a Victor mindset. Maintaining a defensive posture and avoiding conflict is not an effective strategy. It's acting like a turtle. We are aware that our pre-established values remain uncontested until they are tested.