How to Stop “Should-ing” On Yourself & Your Career!

I?should?work my way up the career ladder.

I?should?have a higher salary.

I?should?pursue a practical career.

I?should?be more productive.

I?should?stay in my career; transitioning is too risky.

The?tyranny of should?occurs when you are driven to behave according to rigid and unrealistic expectations about who you?should?be, rather than a sincere desire to do so.?Shoulds?often originate from messages and expectations from family, friends, co-workers, teacher and media.

When you say you?should?do something you are telling yourself that you are not good enough as you are, and you?should?be more or do more to be worthy. This is incredibly damaging to one’s self-esteem and negatively impacts you in the following ways:

Cognitive Impact of?Shoulds:

• Creates anxiety and worry about acting imperfect.
• Creates rumination about how you?should?have acted in the past or?should?act in the future.
• Creates an inaccurate belief that behaving perfectly and according to?shoulds?will create self-esteem, success and happiness.

Emotional Impact of?Shoulds:

• A lack of self-confidence to act as your real self, creating a lack of authenticity and joy.
• Guilt, shame, self-hatred, depression and anger when you inevitably are unable to meet the demands of?shoulds.

Behavioural Impact of?Shoulds:

• Unattainable search for perfection.
• Procrastination and withdrawal, as you may want to avoid behaving in a way that cannot be realistically attained.

If?you realize that you are experiencing some of the impacts above, there is a four-step approach that can guide you in discontinuing the habit of 'should-ing':

Step 1: Identify Your Shoulds

To change any thought or behaviour, the first step is to increase your awareness of it. In this case, start by brainstorming your shoulds and create a list of all the instances you say, “I should…” or “I shouldn’t…”.

• Example: the most common should we hear at Canada Career Counselling is “I should pursue law/math/science/business”. We will refer to this should as an example of how to apply each step throughout this blog.

Step 2: Identify the Origin and Impact of your Shoulds

Shoulds come from external influences. Without identifying the origin of your shoulds, these external influences may continue to impact you. For each should you have listed, ask yourself where it came from. Family? Friends? Colleagues? Social Media? TV/Movies?

• Example: when we have asked clients to identify the origin of the message “I should pursue law” a common response is “My parents told me I should go into law because it is practical and high paying.”

Once you identify the source of a should, consider how this could be impacting you. Shoulds can be adaptive when they motivate desired behavior, however, they can be maladaptive when they become rigid rules and demands.

• Example: Adaptively, believing you should go to law school may increase your effort in school. However, maladaptively, it may influence you to pursue a degree you are not actually interested in, which can contribute to fatigue, stress and a lack of satisfaction.

Step 3: Gain Self-Awareness and Learn the Difference Between?Wants?and?Shoulds.

Identify and accept your true interests and what is truly of value to you by asking yourself questions such as: “Do I actually?want?to do this, or do I just feel like I?should?” Doing so will help you determine which career(s) are a good fit for you and increase authenticity, fulfillment and genuine motivation in your career. Career Counsellors can help you identify this!

• Example: Do you actually want to go into law, or do you think you should go into law? Are there other areas that are more exciting to you such as marketing, social science, computer science etc.?

Step 4: Live According to Your?Wants,?Not Your?Shoulds.

If your shoulds do not align with your wants: STOP should-ing, STOP people pleasing and START living according to what you want. It takes a lot of energy and provides little reward to work toward something you don’t actually want to do, solely to appease others or gain their approval. FYI: this will likely take time and effort and does not happen overnight.

• Example: If you are not interested in law and it doesn’t fit your values, stop should-ing yourself into this career path and consider what topics/causes/industries are interesting and important to you.

Once you are clearer about your wants, work on changing your self-talk. Try to catch yourself should-ing and challenge those shoulds. Try and speak about what you?want?to do as opposed to what you?should?do. Changing your self talk from “I should…” to “I want…” creates greater motivation and desire to take action.

• Example: If you identify that marketing is a better fit for you than law, remind yourself that you do not want to pursue a career you’re not interested in, and that, while being a lawyer is a great career choice for some people, it likely wouldn’t be a good choice for you. Focus on shifting your self talk from “I should pursue law” to “I want to pursue marketing”.

Brittany Shields

Career Counsellor, Ontario CCC

canadacareercounselling.com