How to Stop Seeking Permission

“Don't ask other people questions you should be asking yourself.”  Donald Trump

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The Problem with Seeking Permission

Seeking Permission can be so habitual that we don't notice ourselves doing it. When we want to do something it can be almost instantaneous. This habit is so ingrained that I have called it Permission Culture. Although it is virtually instinctive, Permission Culture can be very destructive. This culture is one that I encourage people to identify and get out of as soon as possible. Put simply, permission culture occurs when either you or someone you are working with wants to seek permission before doing something. The permission seeking  itself can take several forms, I will look at some of these below.  The main problem of permission seeking is that it creates a permission loop that can be very difficult to break. The purpose of this essay is to help people break out of this permission loop, to take the initiative and to make decisions for themselves. I am going  to look at what permission culture is. Then, with several examples, I am going to look at how it  works. I will  then explain why I think it is difficult to break out of. Finally, I will show you how to break free of it altogether. The first task is to look at the nature of the permission loop.

There are two sides to Permission Culture. First, there are those who seek permission. Second, there are those who work with permission seekers. Often the two work together, hence Permission Culture. Because they work together, Permission Culture is a trap. Let's look at the following example:

Let's say that you have an appointment with someone. You want to sell a product to some of their club members. You ask them:

“Would it be OK for me to approach this group of people and sell them something?”  

The other person replies,

“Well I like the idea myself but I need to check with the committee.”

As the person making the request, you are happy because you think the person you're talking to at least likes your idea. Going a step further, not only do they like your idea but they probably like you as well. At least they don't hate you! At least they haven’t rejected you. It is for these reasons that we are often more than happy to let the other person go and ‘speak to the committee’ (seek permission) rather than have them reject us outright.

As well as us being relieved about not being rejected, the person who is seeking permission by asking the committee is relieved too.  You like them because they did not say “No” to you. And avoided disappointing you. The permission seeker, however, can keep us in the trap because they can say to themselves "I don't want to say NO but it is not my fault, it is the committee’s”.  In this way, they absolve themselves of responsibility and this can be a very powerful thought because it gives them an alibi and alibis are very powerful. So the permission trap works because it allows us to escape uncomfortable situations. There are, however, consequences of falling prey to the  permission trap.

Consequences of the Permission Trap

Nothing

The first and most damaging consequence of becoming caught in the permission trap is that nothing happens. Although the goal of permission seeking is to avoid responsibility, the consequence is that nothing happens. It is this result that makes permission seeking lethal for entrepreneurs, business owners and anyone involved in high performance sport, both coaches and athletes alike. Until very recently, I let permission seekers seek permission time and again. Without being conscious of it, you fall victim to permission seekers because you are desperate not to be rejected. This is particularly true in the sales situation. Because we mistake rejection of what we are selling (the thing) for rejection of ourselves (which hurts), we will do anything to avoid it. The permission seeker gives us this option, this escape route. And the result? Nothing.

Mistakes

The pull towards permission culture is compounded by a second consequence of permission seeking. The desire not to make a mistake is far stronger than the commitment to decision making. Avoiding the possibility of immediate pain by seeking permission is stronger than the uncertain, future benefits that decision making may bring.

The problem that  most organisations and individuals suffer from is the complete myth that the ‘wrong decision’ is worse than no decision.

Given the fact that  we are more comfortable with nothing happening rather than having to live with the possibility of making the wrong decision, it should come as little surprise that nothing happens in the permission loop. The third consequence of the permission loop makes the trap even more dangerous.

The 'Right' Thing

Some people are often reprimanded for being too headstrong, too reckless or having a  do first think after attitude. So strong do I think that permission culture is, that I hold it responsible for making us feel guilty about and for us accepting the idea that permission seekers are good or that they are doing the right thing. Again, only until very recently, when I saw what permission culture was could I stop feeling guilty. Permission seekers see themselves and are deemed to be good just by dint of the fact that they seek permission. The permission seekers are the sensible ones as compared to us compulsive decision makers. They are considered nice people and never do the wrong thing. The sensible permission seekers, however,  lead us directly into another consequence, that of consensus.

Consensus

One way of taking no action and avoiding responsibility is to call for consensus. In other  words, we have to get  everyone to agree before anything happens. This is pure procrastination. Trying to obtain universal agreement is impossible but very desirable when you are in the permission loop. It works  like this:

As not everyone can agree, no permission can be given and  no decision can be taken. Nothing can happen without everyone’s agreement. As not everyone can agree, it’s not  my fault  that no decision can be taken. As nothing has happened nothing can go wrong and no-one will be upset.

Interestingly, if  it  looks like something approaching  universal agreement is on the horizon, the permission seeker will start to panic. They will seek more and more people whose agreement needs to be sought, thus putting universal agreement and consensus in jeopardy. The more  permission appears to be given the more permission is sought from other people. For example:

“It may be okay for the allotment association but  what about the  RSPB?”

If people don’t want  something to happen either consciously  or subconsciously they will find a way of making it not happen. Simply by seeking the permission of  more people, no  actions need to be  taken, nobody will be upset and the wrong things won’t happen. Therefore, the  insatiable appetite of the permission seeker to do nothing is met.

Trying to reach consensus in the manner discussed above, will lead to a watering down of any proposal. Anything controversial, bold or visionary will be removed and replaced with a  safer option. As the best ideas and plans involve at least some risk and involve some controversy, they will inevitably be watered down in order to pursue the elusive consensus.

However, even though the consequences of permission seeking are bad, the real damage is yet to occur.

How permission culture damages people

The real damage of Permission Culture occurs at the individual level. Permission seeking can severely impede the decision making process and compounds risk aversion. Permission Culture is the opposite of ambition and success. This is true for the entrepreneur, the inspiring employee as well as the tennis  player. Ambition, competence and initiative are all bypassed  when the individual opts to seek permission rather than make their own decisions and act.

When it  comes to working with permission seekers you have a further problem. The permission seeker does not  want anything to happen. They don’t want to upset you by saying “No”; they don’t want to  give you the go ahead as someone may not like the idea and they don’t want to make a mistake. It is quite likely that the permission seeker hasn’t  got  the power to give the go ahead. The damage when you are working with permission seekers is that they will make you feel bad for making decisions and will often try and undermine you. They will often be jealous of your decision making abilities, something that can have dire consequences.

How to leave the Permission Culture

When Avoiding Permission Seeking yourself

I find the following quote very helpful when I feel the temptation of permission creeping into my thoughts.

“ If it's a good idea, go ahead and do it. It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission.”

(Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper (9 December 1906 – 1 January 1992) Hopper  was a U.S. Naval officer, and an early computer programmer. She was the developer of the first compiler for a computer programming language; at the end of her service she was the oldest serving officer in the United States Navy).

People find it hard to say “No” to something  that is already happening, particularly if it is successful. So simply avoid the  permission and just do it. Don’t be tempted to seek advice (which is another form of permission). When we come to look at the Myth of ‘The Best’ we will look at another aspect of  permission seeking that you have to avoid. Bear in mind, if it goes wrong, you can always stop.

Unless you are in the Military, there is no real ‘Hierarchy’ (even in most occupations). In by far the majority of cases, you will not be punished or even frowned upon for acting without permission. Most employers see this as a very desirable attribute and  hate having to give permission to nervous employees. “Why don’t they just get on with it and  stop bothering me?” is something I hear far more often than “They should always seek permission”.

If you are in a  job or that requires ‘permission over your own decisions then be aware that you can always leave. In fact, ask the question “Can I leave rather than constantly seek permission?”

And don’t forget good, old fashioned Bravery always helps.

When dealing with permission seekers

There are several scenarios here as well as several responses. The first is that the person you are dealing would prefer you not to have asked anything.

It doesn’t matter how much they liked your idea or how enthusiastic they seemed. You are very low on their priority list and you always will be. They already have a priority list and are struggling with, what are to them,  issues of historic importance. Your request will not get a look in.

Any of the following should set off  your permission radar:

“I just need to get permission from……….”

“I will need to check with……”

“I need to ask………”

“I’ll get back to you when……….”

“If the others are interested……..”

“As long as they think it’s a good idea…..”

A very straightforward strategy is to  tell people what you are going to do without asking them “If that’s alright with you”. Say “I am going to do X and  Y and  I am excited about it because…....” If the reply is  something  like “That’s great but please hold off  for  a couple of days until I have…………….” then you have found a permission seeker.

You need to  remember that priority for the permission seeker is for you to go away. You must not  wait for them to get back to you because  they won’t. Learn to treat them as a lost cause and if (by some miracle), they do get back to you with the go ahead then treat it as a bonus. Just do not wait, and move on. If you do prompt them, they will most likely come back and say, “I’m just waiting for x to get back to me…” (they’re probably lying).

Ultimately, I leave it  to Mr Elbert Hubbard, who in 1899 had this to say about seeking permission.  It is an essay that I strongly  suggest you read if you want to  end the scourge of permission seeking from your life.

A Message to Garcia

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Dan Travis creates and delivers Mental Toughness Programmes for the RPT (Register of Professional Tennis Coaches) Visit the Website Here www.mental-toughness.co

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