How to Stop Seeking External Validation and Build True Self-Confidence

Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval from others? Do you second-guess your choices, waiting for someone to affirm that you did the right thing? You're not alone. Many of us have spent years looking outward for validation, only to realise that the confidence and assurance we seek must ultimately come from within.

In my coaching sessions, this theme comes up time and time again. Whether it’s in relationships, work, or personal goals, the underlying struggle is often the same: the need for external validation. Let’s explore how we can shift from seeking approval to cultivating self-validation, learning to trust yourself deeply, overcome self doubt and build self-confidence using real strategies and tools I’ve used with my clients.

Why We Seek External Validation (And How to Stop Needing It)

External validation feels good, it reassures us, helps us feel accepted, and gives us a sense of belonging. However, relying on it too much can create a cycle of self-doubt and dependency.

One client, Rob, shared how after going on a date, he felt the need to ask his sister what his date thought of him. "I kind of wanted those words of affirmation that she thought it went well too," he admitted. This desire to hear positive feedback from someone else was overriding his own feelings about the date, leading to overthinking and frustration.?

In our session, I asked him: "What’s your definition of a date going well?" By breaking down his thoughts, we discovered that he enjoyed himself, felt comfortable, and enjoyed good conversation. Yet he wasn’t trusting his own experience without outside confirmation. He wanted to figure out how to stop needing approval. It’s one of the many things we work on in coaching.

Recognising Thought Patterns: The First Step to Self-Trust

A powerful tool I introduce in coaching sessions is The Model, which helps clients understand how their thoughts create their feelings and actions. Here’s how it works:

1. Circumstance: Something neutral that happens (e.g., going on a date).
2. Thought: What you think about it (e.g., "I need to know if she liked me.").
3. Feeling: The emotion this thought creates (e.g., insecurity).
4. Action: What you do in response (e.g., seeking validation from others).
5. Result: What you get (e.g., you don’t know if YOU like you).

By using this framework, clients can pinpoint the thoughts driving their need for validation and begin to shift them.

How to Build Self-Confidence Through Self-Validation Exercises

Once we recognise the patterns, the next step is building self-validation through practical exercises. Here are a few techniques I’ve used with clients:

1. Self-Recognition: A Simple Exercise for Daily Confidence

Client Freya struggled with feeling unappreciated and constantly sought praise from others. "I need to be justified, I need compliments," she said. In our session, I guided her through an exercise to create a "self-recognition journal."

Exercise:

• Every day, write down three things you did well.
• Include how you felt and why doing those things matter.

This simple practice helps shift focus from external praise to internal acknowledgment.

2. Reframing Negative Thoughts: Shift from Doubt to Self-Trust

Belinda, another client, struggled with feelings of financial insecurity and often compared herself to others. She would think, "I’ll never get out of debt, and everyone else is doing better than me." Together, we worked on reframing these thoughts to empower her instead.

Exercise:

• Identify a recurring negative thought.
• Ask: "Is this thought 100% true?"
• Replace it with a thought that feels better and that your brain believes e.g., "I am taking steps to improve my financial situation."

3. Developing an Internal Compass: Trust Your Own Judgment

A key aspect of self-validation is learning to trust your own judgment. With clients, I use an exercise called "Future You Decision-Making."

This involves visualising the most confident version of yourself and asking: "What would future me do in this situation?"

Exercise:

• Close your eyes and picture yourself one year from now, having overcome the challenge you’re facing today.
• Ask: "How would this version of me respond to this challenge?"
• Write down the answers and take one action today that will take you one step closer to the future version of you.

4. Practicing Self-Compassion: Be Kind to Yourself First

John, a client who struggled with work frustrations, often felt pressure to prove himself. He believed, "I have to be fair and do everything perfectly." We explored self-compassion by helping him recognise his efforts and wins without needing outside acknowledgment.

Exercise:

• At the end of the day, ask yourself: "What am I proud of today?"
• Reflect on how you showed up and extend kindness to yourself, just as you would to a friend.

Making the Shift to Self-Validation and True Confidence

Over time, with consistent practice, clients like Rob, Freya, Belinda, and John have shifted their mindset. They’ve learned that their opinions and feelings are valid, regardless of what others think. They know that the most important opinion about themselves is their own.

The truth is, when we give ourselves the validation we seek from others, we experience true confidence. We no longer feel the need to chase approval because we already know our worth.

Final Thoughts: Trust Yourself First

If you find yourself constantly looking outward for validation, remember that the most important voice is your own. Start small, acknowledge your achievements (without judging the size of them), challenge self-doubt, and trust in your abilities.

You are the expert on your own life, and the sooner you recognise that, the more empowered and fulfilled you’ll feel.

Are you ready to stop seeking approval and start trusting yourself?

Book a free coaching call today and unlock your inner confidence.

Together, we can unlock your inner confidence and help you trust yourself fully.