How To Stop Saying 'I'm Sorry' When You're Not, And Why You Need To

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "Becoming The Most Confident and Impactful You"

Several years ago, I was honored to be interviewed for an?Oprah Magazine?piece by Celia Fernandez on "It's Time To Stop Saying I'm Sorry "?and how it hurts your confidence and self-esteem to say the words "I'm sorry" when you're not. It got me thinking in greater depth about the crushing habit I saw in myself and in so many other women I've worked with, of saying they are sorry when they are actually feeling something very different, and why that happens so frequently.

Below are several key questions I've been asked over the years (and my responses) about why women often speak in an apologetic, overly-deferential way and how it hurts them, suppresses their chances for more impact and influence, and damages their confidence. My responses are based on my experience as a senior corporate executive, along with my former work as a marriage and family therapist and my current research and work as a career coach and consultant for mid- to high-level professional women.

Here are a number of key questions I've received on this issue, and my answers:

Why do you think women say “sorry” easier than men?

I wouldn't say it's "easier" for women to say "sorry"- I'd say women are conditioned and trained over their entire lives to say those words more frequently, and they do it in instances where men typically do not view an apology as necessary.

In a patriarchal society , there are clear and rigid gender roles and expectations for behavior for both males and females. For example, our society encourages men to be strong, direct, assertive, confident and unabashedly committed to achieving their goals (and to avoid being or showing that they are emotional or vulnerable). On the other hand, our society encourages and teaches women from the earliest age to be kind, malleable, pleasing, accommodating and acquiescing. And they are taught that it's not good or acceptable for women to appear overly ambitious, confident or strong.

Below is a very eye-opening discussion on this issue, via my Finding Brave podcast interview with therapist Terry Real , on Gender, Power and Relationships: The Crushing Effects of Patriarchy :

There's been a great deal of research in the past years showing that forceful, confident and assertive women are in fact punished in our society and in our workplaces. Here's just one example of?research that demonstrates a clear gender bias ,?revealing that women's perceived competence and value drop significantly (versus men's) when they're judged as forceful. Regarding saying "I'm sorry," it seems to have become a way that women can appear more accommodating, less forceful and less strident in asking for what they want and sharing what they believe. It's a way for women to ask for what they want but couch it in terms that make it appear less of a demand and more of a soft ask.

In my view, this way of communicating is a damaging behavior that we need to focus on learning how to avoid. Saying "I'm sorry, but..." (such as "I'm sorry, but I don't agree here, or "Sorry, but I think we're heading in the wrong direction with this new project...") undermines the power of your statements. Unfortunately, the result is that women are often not taken as seriously as they deserve to be, and this type of language compromises their leadership impact and authority.

One interesting study ?showed that men and women apologize equally for what they feel is their own offensive behavior, but girls and women have a lower threshold for what they view is "offensive." Thus, they apologize more readily and frequently.

What are other ways to apologize without saying sorry?

When you are truly wanting to apologize – let's say, for a wrongdoing, or for inconveniencing someone, or for being hurtful or mean, then "I'm sorry"?is?the right thing to say.

A true apology is needed when we've wronged someone or crossed a line. And?learning how to give an authentic, heartfelt apology ?the right way when it's necessary is a critical thing to do if you want to build and maintain healthy relationships.

The issue isn't that women should stop staying "I'm sorry" altogether. It's that they need to utter those words only when an apology is necessary, and not when they're afraid they will offend, upset or put off someone by speaking up for what they want, need or believe.

We need to be careful that we don't say "sorry" when we're not at all sorry. Here's an example – when someone has cut in front of you in a line that is 20 people long, and you're annoyed about it, you don't want to say "Sorry, but there's a line here." You're not sorry at all! You're angry that they cut in front of you. Another way to express your feelings on this is, "Excuse me, perhaps you didn't realize but there's a long line here ahead of you, behind me."

Another example is in asking for a raise or requesting to oversee a plum assignment you want. You don't want to say to your boss, "Sorry to ask, but I'd love to take over this project – it's really interesting to me." Why? Because you've just undermined your very request by apologizing for it. Instead, you want to say something like: "I'm really excited to hear about this new project, and I'd be thrilled to explore overseeing it, if possible. Could we discuss that at your convenience?"

When shouldn’t you apologize?

It's simple – don't apologize when you're not sorry for what you're saying or doing.?And become extremely vigilant in watching all the words you utter. Further, it's essential to understand your feelings better, and make sure your words are a close match to what you're actually feeling, even though those emotions may be scary to admit out loud.

Get into the habit of being a bit more direct and asserting what you know and what you want, rather than acting in an acquiescing or overly-accommodating way.

If you struggle with having emotional reactions that you wish you could manage better, there are many ways to address that, including perhaps receiving some therapeutic or coaching support, learning new ways to get in touch with and manage your emotional state such as meditation, relaxation exercises, taking more time for yourself, building stronger and healthier boundaries, and more,

What are some other ways we can communicate strongly about something that's difficult for others to hear, without apologizing?

Below are a few examples of how to replace apologetic ways of communicating with a more direct, authoritative approach:

When stating what you know

Apologetic:?"Sorry, I may not have the right answer here, but I'm thinking..."

Direct:?"I'd like to share my thoughts on this. I believe one important way to approach this would be to ____."

When disagreeing

Apologetic:?"Sorry, but I don't think I see it that way."

Direct:?"That viewpoint is really intriguing. I have a bit of a different take I'd love to share."

When asking a question

Apologetic:?"Sorry, but I have a question."

Direct:?"I'd like to ask a question on that."

When expressing appreciation for a generous behavior from a friend

Apologetic:?"Sorry for bothering you with all this."

Direct:?"Thank you for listening and supporting me through this. I so appreciate it."

When asking to join someone at their table

Apologetic:?"Sorry, can I have this chair?"

Direct:?"Is this seat taken?"

To learn more about how to communicate more bravely and confidently while also nurturing important and mutually beneficial bridges and relationships with others, check out the Finding Brave podcast episode below on how to overcome what I've seen is one of the 7 most damaging power gaps that keep us from reaching our highest potential. Speaking from fear, not strength is Power Gap #2:

Finally, is changing this habit of saying "I'm sorry" when I'm not, really that important?

The simple answer is YES.

Every word you utter, and every thought you think to yourself about yourself, possesses energy -- and that energy is broadcasted to everyone you meet. If the energy of what you're sharing suggests (to yourself and others) that you're "less than" or that you are unworthy (such as when you feel like an imposter in doing your job), or you believe you must feel sorry or ashamed for sharing what's important to you, the outcome will be that people will take your words and opinions less seriously and devalue them. And when that happens, mistreatment is far more common, especially when we allow people to think they can have power over us and that we aren't fully capable of managing our lives with confidence and strength.

In the end,?you'll expand your confidence, influence and self-esteem when you gain more awareness of exactly what you feel and learn how to express that in meaningful and unapologetic ways.

You can still be polite, kind and respectful in your communication and in how you share your beliefs and needs. But it's critical to your ultimate success and authority over your own life, as well as to your wellbeing and happiness, that you stop apologizing for what you are not sorry for, and express what you have every right to express.

For more information and resources to build your confidence and self-esteem in your professional life, career and beyond, join me in the next session of my 8-week live coaching course The Most Powerful You , beginning May 10th. And read my latest book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss .

For hands-on, private coaching support to grow your strength, confidence and self-trust in your career, work with me in my 1:1 Career & Leadership Breakthrough coaching program.