How to Stop Obsessing Over Your Mistakes

In this article, Alice Boyes writes cogently about rumination, a mostly self-destructive tendency that causes us to replay situations again and again in which we wish we had performed differently.?Over-thinking in this way is closely linked to anxiety and depression.

Overcoming this tendency is simpler than one might think, as there are effective solutions for breaking out of this self-obsessive rut.

My therapist has taught me about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and this article suggests concrete CBT strategies that remind me of the things I have been taught.?The solutions suggested by the author to break the cycle of rumination consist of 5 steps:

1. Identify common triggers
2. Gain psychological distance from your thoughts by labeling them
3. Distinguish between ruminating and problem-solving as the former rarely leads to the latter
4. Train your brain to resist “sticky thoughts” through distraction and exercise
5. Check your thinking for common cognitive errors

For me, some common triggers causing me to ruminate involve arguing with my wife and/or being embarrassed around a colleague who may know more than I do.

In the first instance, I notice that one of my dominant patterns of rumination is blaming others (my wife??).

To gain psychological distance from this thought, I tell myself, feelings aren’t facts, and there goes my obsessive mind again!

I notice I am usually not capable of solving problems when I am self-obsessed.?This is one way I avoid feeling what needs to be felt and finding a solution to a problem when I am clear-headed.?I know I am unable to take the right action or find the way to take the next indicated action.?If I can wait 24 hours and get my brain to ‘unstick’, or restrain any reaction to what I incorrectly think I should do in the moment – a reaction, rather than an action – I’m almost 100% certain to come up with a calm solution to whatever is going on.

My biggest bugaboo (don't cha love that word??) is to check my thinking for one of my most common cognitive errors.?Here it is:?I see a text.?Maybe it has too many words, in my opinion.?So, I see one word and decide on the entire meaning of the text.?I fire back.?Or worse, I say nothing at all.

If I can train myself to wait - take that P-A-U-S-E – and come back and read the entire text the next day or a few hours later, I will find that the charged word or meaning I think I saw wasn’t there.?And I am relieved, once again, not to have reacted.

It was suggested to me (yep, you know who) to see something written, often by my wife or a particularly wordy friend, and do the following:

1. Stop
2. Soften my belly
3. Sit down
4. Breathe
5. Read this text aloud.

This works!?It really works!?I just have to slow down enough to follow this excellent suggestion.

All of these simple strategies have helped me stop obsessing about my mistakes and have led me to want to share simple solutions with my clients.

What about you??Are there any other strategies that you can share?