How to Stop Having Power Struggles

A large portion of my clients are children and teens acting out in various ways. One of the first things I will almost always focus on is creating a happy and empowering home. I do this because parenting a struggling child is extremely difficult, a challenge that only someone who has tried parenting such a child can truly grasp. This tension has a way of spreading negativity into even benign parent-child interactions, which further exacerbates the problem. We want to change the environment to one of positivity and empowerment in order to have the highest chance of success.

Maybe the most common negative interaction is the dreaded power struggle. We all know it and we wish it would never happen. It brings out the worst in both our children and ourselves and usually ends in disaster. 

The situation is all too familiar. Our child acts out, and we respond strongly. This leads the child to lash out further. We are then triggered to push back even more strongly, which only exacerbates the situation. This cycle quickly snowballs into a screaming match where everyone loses.

To address power struggles, it is vital to understand why and how they happen to begin with. Understanding this helps us know what to be careful of and is integral to any solution.

Children act out for all sorts of reasons, but those reasons will almost always fall into one of three categories.

1- The child feels threatened (by the situation they're facing or something else happening in their lives).

2- The child lacks the ability to interact in a more reasoned way. (Reasons for this include being hungry or tired, experiencing ADHD or other emotional struggles, as well as being expected to act in ways that are more than they're capable of).

3-The child isn’t empowered to respond more appropriately or doesn't feel pride and success in acting appropriately.

(It’s important to point out that although parents at times feel that a child is acting out maliciously, this is rarely the case.)

When we respond to these situations by using force to control the negative behavior, we further strengthen those same feelings of stress and emotional exhaustion, and this force causes the child to double down on their original behavior.

That response from the child then causes us, as parents, to feel those same feelings of stress and emotional exhaustion, which causes us to move from a reasoned reaction to one of fighting and struggle. 

This back and forth creates a cycle where each of our responses feeds off the other until the inevitable explosion.

Power struggles aren’t merely situations where negativity fuels negativity, but rather ones where each interaction intensifies those very same feelings of threat and emotional exhaustion that caused the conflict to begin with, and therefore feeds into the painful cycles.

Here is an example to illustrate this point. Chaim* had a tough day in school. He fought with his classmate and was sent out of class. He comes home from school in a rotten mood, drops his briefcase on the floor, and tries to head out the door. His mother, Mrs.Friedman, has had a long day as well and simply has no energy to interact positively and with thought. Besides, she is worried about Chaim's future as she sees his behavior on a downward spiral. Because she feels threatened, and because of her lack of energy, she immediately moves to use force and demands that Chaim put away his knapsack before heading out. This kind of demand only further aggravates Chaim’s feelings of stress and emotional exhaustion, leading him to respond strongly and aggresivly. This counter-response further provokes Mrs. Friedman and only elevates her original negative feelings of being threatened and emotionally exhausted, which leads her to double down on her demands and threats. Situations such as this quickly escalate to full-blown fighting.

To further clarify, let me break this down into steps.

Step 1 - Child feels under stress, is emotionally exhausted, or is unable to act more appropriately.

Step 2- Child acts out.

Step 3- Adult feels threatened by the child's behavior or is emotionally exhausted.

Step 4- Adult responds by attempting to force positive behaviors.

Step 5- Child feels further threatened and pushes back more strongly.

Step 6-Adult feels further threatened and pushes back even more.

Step 7-Repeat steps 5 and 6 until the inevitable explosion.

(This cycle of conflict is a phenomenon that equally applies to all areas of conflict, especially regarding our spouses. Being aware of where the first adverse reaction came from, and how our response further fuels that feeling, can go a long way in helping us better these relationships.)

But what can you as a parent really do? You desperately want what's best for your child but lead a hectic life. You can't possibly stop-drop-and-roll every time a child feels aggrieved. There are often other children and other responsibilities, and life can't be put on hold. Are you obligated never to get angry or lose your cool as if living in a storybook fairytale? 

I want to give you practical tools that can change the environment in your home and remove negativity and power struggles.

But before we discuss practical steps, let's try to become more aware of these patterns and how our responses often fuel the feelings that are powering the negative behavior. Merely being aware of them can go a long way in helping create the happy and empowering home that we all desperately crave.

I hope, b’h, to offer practical tools and guidance on what we can do in situations such as these in further articles.