How to stop a fiery emotion in its tracks

Imagine if you never had to get irritated, or annoyed again. Ever. Or, rather, imagine if you could feel those emotions - but not be forced to react to them without deciding if you wanted to.

There's a way to stop emotional reactions - even when you're in the grips of a fiery response

It's a struggle to stop an emotional response while it's in progress. Despite having read dozens of books the subject, I still find it hard to apply great advice to reality.

But this weird turn of phrase stuck with me.

By applying it, I've been able to find perspective and to remove myself from a stressful situation emotionally before the 'fight or flight' response can take hold. Two little words have made me calmer.

The words: imagine if...

This somewhat strange real-life scenario might explain it.

Picture yourself on a train with me.

It's 7:45am on a Tuesday.

Commuters are still sleepy and drinking their first coffee of the day, reading their emails before they get to the office, or catching up on the news.

Someone new gets on the train. There's something strange about him. Rather than sipping a cup of tea or coffee, he takes a gulp from a red bull energy drink. Something about the way he sits down makes me pause what I was doing (reading Essentialism by Greg McKeown) because I'm distracted by him.

He's exuding a nervous demeanour. I'm getting a very strange, generally negative vibe from him. As I glance up I can see a series of emotions flick across his face. He's angry, frustrated. It looks like he's still playing out an argument with someone in his head.

This is not a good way to start his day, or mine. I find myself being sucked into this negative vibe. My shoulders rise with tension, my breathing quickens. It's a 'fight or flight' preparation response - because if someone is behaving this strangely at this time of the morning, it's impossible to predict whether he'll do other strange things.

It's not a rational reaction. It's visceral. I'm on edge - wary, forewarned.

But recently I've been saying to myself 'Imagine if this were different'.

This simple concept: imagining a different way of viewing the situation, has an almost miraculous brain response for me. It immediately removes me from the current situation, and my negative perception of it.

The reaction is more than mental, though. It actually manifests itself in a physical response.

As I looked at the distressed commuter I said to myself, 'Imagine if this guy were calm, rational, and no threat to you', in my head. I calmed down, took a breath, my shoulders dropped, I gained perspective. And suddenly he was no longer a threat.

Perhaps he never was - but my neural chemistry, my inner, irrational 'chimp' who governs the limbic section of my brain, didn't know that.

Try it. Try saying, "Imagine if... [better alternative]."

These two words are surprisingly powerful.

Give them a try.

Stop. Right now. And say the words "imagine if...'. Then add a practical, alternative situation to the one you currently find yourself in, to the end of the statement.

The key is not to just say the words, but to picture the alternative scenario as if it were reality. See the alternative conclusion in your head. Close your eyes, if it helps. Reframe your current reality using the words 'imagine if'.

How stopping an emotional reaction can result in a physical response:

The words are powerful, certainly, but the feeling is even more so. Somehow, simply by saying 'Imagine if...' and then filling in the rest of the situation, it creates a physical reaction.

You calm down.

When I 'imagined' an alternative scenario the hopped-up commuter became less of a threat. My breathing slowed and deepened. My shoulders dropped.

I could then 'step away' from the immediate moment and gain perspective.

My focus changed from how stressed I was by the situation. As a result, a variety of other emotions became available.

By saying these two, powerful words, 'Imagine if', I gave myself the permission I needed to break my mental cycle and response. With a more rational approach I became able to moderate my reaction, be calmer, and think about how else I could choose to react to the situation. I no longer had to use the pre-programmed response or 'go-to' reaction I would have used by default.

It's surprisingly effective

I've been testing it out. And, strangely, it works in a variety of situations. From the most serious - like being really upset about a situation I feel I can't do anything about - to the most trivial - being annoyed or 'drawn in' to the gloom surrounding someone else, like the stressed-out guy on the train.

I'm not going to say that 'imagining' an alternative scenario will make it a reality - not without the right circumstances, opportunities, people and skills to make it so - but what being able to 'imagine if' does for the person saying it, is provide other opportunities.

If you can imagine a different way, a way that's more like what you really want, it gives you control.

Two words may not change your life. But then again, they may.

And, arguably more importantly, they will hopefully change your response to a situation. Which, in turn, affects how others will react to your own body language, tone of voice, and stress levels. And as a result, the result you imagine could either come to pass - or, at the least, you'll just stop being as bothered by whatever it was that stressed you out in the first place.

It's worth a try

Hey, (I say, shrugging my shoulders in a way that indicates it's up to you but I don't mind either way), using the words 'imagine if' is worth a try.

Don't you think?

Acknowledgement:

This idea bubbled up from something that a very clever, quirky, and complex man introduced in my business life. David Vine of Concur originally wrote the white paper 'Imagine if... there was a better way of doing expenses' with me. Together we introduced the concept of 'imagining' a different way, a better way, even in the most mundane of circumstances: dealing with employee expenses. Little did I realise how long this idea would stick with me, and how great its potential is to inspire other types of action and change.

Credit also goes to Greg McKeown's ideas in the ground-breaking book 'Essentialism: the disciplined pursuit of less' and to Prof. Steve Peters for the 'chimp' concept in 'The Chimp Paradox' . These books are definitely worth a read if you want to know more about how to imagine a different way of programming your brain to respond to stress.

Gina Balarin is the CEO's voice. The wind beneath your wings. The person standing behind the leader getting a standing ovation. She helps senior executives rediscover their spark and use words to inspire others and change hearts and minds.

Through coaching, she brings out the passion, power and conviction leaders have forgotten they possess.