How to stop a blank page sneering at you

There's a place in South Africa called the Kruger National Park.

It is the most magnificent place on earth.

It covers 20,000km (squared).

It's the size of a small country - Wales, say.

The Yellowstone National Park isn't even half the size of the Kruger.

The Kruger is impressive - and it holds the Big 5. Lion, ellies, rhino, buffalo, leopard.

Whenever I go home to South Africa, I go to the Kruger for around five days.

And every morning, I get up at 4am (the best time to spot wildlife is early morning).

I boil the kettle and I brew a coffee in my flask.

I pack breakfast - a tupperware of juicy pineapple, grapes, vegan yoghurt and flaxseed with some mixed nuts.

I kit out the car with things that'll keep me warm before the sun fully shows itself -

a blanket, a hot water bottle.

And then I kit the car with things that'll keep me cool once the sun is beating down as its best African self -

iced water, a sunhat, sunglasses.

...and I get in my car and I drive.

And I drive and I drive and I drive.

For hours.

4, 5, 6, 7, sometimes 8 hours.

And there are days when I see hardly any wildlife at all.**

Some buck. Birds. Zebra. Maybe a giraffe or two.

But no lion. No leopards. None of the Big 5.

IT IS SO DEPRESSING!

Because I've tried so hard to give all of myself to the experience - I've committed entirely to seeing these animals.

That's what writing can sometimes feel like.

Like, sometimes I'll be sitting in front of my laptop with all the will in the world - and all the excitement too.

And then BOOM.

Blank page syndrome.

The more I stare at the blank page, the more it sneers right back at me.

I want to punch it in its self-righteous face.

But I don't. Not anymore.

Now, I have some tricks. Here they are, just for you:

1. Step AWAY from the hardware. Make some tea. Go for a walk. Text a friend. Have a bath. Then come back. Try again. Repeat.
2. Have a swipe file. Collect the emails, posts, articles, blogs that set your brain on fire. Keep them. Go back to them. Use their structure, or a single idea. That stuff is golden.
3. Think about what is happening right now in your life. What are you experiencing? Use that as a metaphor in your writing.

Examples:

??You've just had a baby. Poo is rife. Nappies galore. Your next post could be: “XX marketing lessons from changing a nappy”

??You've got a new puppy. You're in puppy school training. The puppy is eating everything you own. Chewing. Biting. Destroying your ￡250 La Senza bras: "Starting a business is like getting a puppy. Prepare for ground zero"

??You do hot hot yoga. It's tough. You sweat like a camel. You hate starting it but once you have, you feel incredible: "Content Creation and Yoga: A Hot Mess of Similarities"

BUT WAIT! There's more...

How do you stop people dying from the YAWN

Sometimes you have to write about really boring stuff.

Here are 5 ways to write about what you sell or do without making people yawn themselves to death.

I've used the humble plastic flip file as an example.

1. Make it save the day (SUPERHERO ability)

It's a busy day at the office.

You're late for a meeting.

You're speed walking (because your boss has put some weird rule in place where running isn't allowed)

You're clutching 250 pieces of paper - agendas and minutes and listicles, oh my.

Too many pieces of paper for one person to handle

Tom's backpack is on the floor next to his desk

You don't see it

You take a tumble

Disaster!

Paper everywhere

Now imagine you had SUPERSLEEVES holding everything together.

2. Make it stand out (Differentiate-ability)

POWERPACKS are the only flip files that protect against the hazards of outer space.

Essential if you're docking on Mars, holding a picnic on the moon, or live on the rim of an asteroid.

3. Stop focusing on what it is. Focus on how it helps (benefit-ability)

You might think that the leading cause of injuries in the corporate space is paper cuts.

But with PLASTICJACKETS flip folders, life-changing paper handling is a thing of the past.

4. Detail all the alternative uses (versatility)

Photo album, CD holder

80s memorabilia folder

Receipt arranging, filing a scroll

The peak of office admin control

The FILEBLASTER, for all things file-able

Plus, it's indestructible.

5. Get other people to rave about it (rave-ability)

"They're so effing jam-packable. Imagine 20 sandwich bags all glued together but with the strength of a hangry python."

SEE!?

Start having FUN when you write, and it's not really a chore anymore, is it?

PS I give you full permission to take what I've written in this newsletter, copy it, file it away somewhere and use it as inspo the next time you need to write.