How to STOP being your own worst enemy (even when you know better)

If you’re like many high-achievers, you’ve likely experienced the frustrating gap between knowing what to do and being able to do it. You’ve read the self-help books, taken the courses, and intellectually, you understand exactly what needs to change in your life or career.

But something keeps tripping you up.

Maybe...

• You’ve prepared meticulously for an important meeting or presentation - only to find yourself stumbling over your words and feeling small the minute you step into the room.
• You’ve planned a week of perfect self-care - exercise, balanced meals, early nights - only to abandon it all by Wednesday, reach for the wine and snacks, end up scrolling social media into the small hours and wake up feeling like something the cat dragged in on Thursday.
• You know exactly how you want to show up in your relationships: confident, calm, and authentic. But when conflict arises, you either retreat or explode, watching yourself play out the same patterns you promised yourself you’d break.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.

Despite being highly self-aware and successful, many people find themselves stuck in this frustrating cycle. It’s like having an invisible enemy in your own mind - one that you’re fully aware of, but can’t seem to defeat.

So, why does it keep happening?

If you know better, why can’t you do better?

Why ‘Knowing Better’ Isn’t Enough

The truth is, logical understanding doesn’t translate directly into real-world action. Your brain operates on a much deeper level than just conscious thought, and while the ‘rational’ part of you is busy making plans, another part of your brain - your subconscious - has already made up its mind about what’s safe and familiar.

That’s why you might intend to act differently, but find yourself falling back into old habits.

Your inner critic starts whispering doubts.

Your body tenses up.

Anxiety rises.

Suddenly, it feels easier, safer and like the more natural thing to just slip back into the same behaviours you’ve been trying to escape - sometimes it's so automatic that you only notice you've done it AFTER the event!

And that can precipitate a whole cycle of guilt, shame and self-criticism which might FEEL like it's the only available outcome - but actually just fuels the whole cycle and makes it more likely to happen the same way the next time you're triggered.

Let's be clear.

Shame never served anyone - self compassion is what leaves the door open for real insight and growth.

Understanding the ‘Invisible’ Enemy: Your Subconscious Programming

"Why can't I just exercise a little more self-control? What's wrong with me?"

OK. Here's the thing. The inner struggle is NOT a sign of failure or lack of effort - and it means nothing bad about you as a person.

Malicious intention? That's a different thing. But few of us genuinely act from a place of wanting to do wrong - it's just that our emotional brains like to take over the show and turn us into the exact opposite of the person we want to be, even when we KNOW it's going to end badly!

In my book, willpower - and the ability to exercise perfect discipline and self-control - are some of the biggest mindset myths going - and can be so damaging.

It's not YOU that responds with emotion, overreaction or sabotaging comfort behaviours.

Not the real, rational you, anyway!

Not the you that knows what's really needed.

It's your old programming.

And maybe you really WANT to be heard - but it’s telling you, “Don’t speak up, it’s safer to stay small and not stand out in case people judge you (like they always have... remember that time when you were left out in the playground?)”.

Or maybe the underlying narrative is “Don’t invest in yourself, you’re not worth it - nice things weren't meant for you”.

Or “You’re going to mess this up like last time... why even try?”.

Or maybe "If you cut that person down, you can make sure things are done your way and stay in control - because you cannot afford not to control every little detail. That's the only way to be perfect".

These are subconscious messages that were often formed years ago, based on past experiences, fears, and limiting beliefs. And they run far, far deeper than your rational understanding.

Here’s the thing:

No amount of willpower, positive thinking or even sophisticated cognitive behavioural techniques will work if your deeper mind is still operating on those old instructions.

It’s like trying to reprogram a computer by just staring at the error message on the screen. Until you access the coding itself, the same errors will keep occurring, the same bugs will keep showing up and you'll keep bashing the keyboard in frustration.

So, How Do You Stop Sabotaging Yourself?

True transformation happens when you can go beyond thinking your way through the problem and start feeling and being your way through it.

We've already touched on one piece of the puzzle - self-compassion.

Allowing it to be OK not to be the perfect person you're expecting yourself to be helps you to breathe, reconsider how you'll do things next time, and start to lay solutions down in your subconscious mind - rather than getting sucked into the vortex of "I'm a dreadful person" doom.

But of course, there's more to it than that.

To really understand how to reprogramme our unconscious minds, first we have to understand them - and learn how to spot that voice of self-sabotage in its tracks. I can tell you, it's not always obvious - sometimes self-sabotage is subtle and sneaky (which is why you're SO good at talking yourself into breaking your best laid intentions!).

We also need to understand the sort of programming we're up against - where it's come from - and why it might not be that accurate or supportive, after all.

And, of course, we need to understand the strategies available to us to shift our thinking - over the longer term, and in the moment when self-sabotage strikes.

If that's something you're ready for, our upcoming Masterclass: How to Overcome the Inner Critic (and create the success you deserve) is the perfect place to start.

It's live on Zoom - but your ticket will also give you access to the recording so you're absolutely welcome to sign up and then just watch it in your own time!

In this insight-packed deep-dive, you’ll learn:

• Why you keep getting in your own way (hint: it’s not because you lack willpower - I think we already made that clear!)
• What subconscious programming is really driving your actions and reactions
• How to shift out of those old patterns and step into your most empowered self, using practical tools you can implement immediately

This isn’t just about understanding the problem - it’s about changing it from the inside out.

Find out more and book here: https://www.betterbraincompany.com/post/how-to-overcome-the-inner-critic-and-create-the-success-you-deserve

Ready to Finally Break Free?

Join us for the masterclass and learn how to take the first step in transforming the relationship you have with yourself, your mind, and your potential.

Because when you’re no longer fighting against yourself, there’ll be no limit to what you can achieve.

If you’re ready to leave self-sabotage behind and step into the confident, aligned version of yourself you’ve always known you could be, this is the place to start - and you'll come away armed with tools, techniques and insights designed to get things really shifting.

Find out more and book: https://www.betterbraincompany.com/post/how-to-overcome-the-inner-critic-and-create-the-success-you-deserve

Looking for a Deeper, Swifter Shift?

My psychotherapeutic framework, SHIFT??, is designed exactly for this purpose: to help high-achievers who ‘know better’ but still feel stuck.

We use a powerful combination of neuroscience-based techniques and solution-focused therapeutic approaches to bypass that self-sabotaging part of your brain and integrate new beliefs, emotions, and patterns at the deepest level.

This isn’t a quick motivational fix.

It’s a systematic approach that unravels those old, outdated instructions in your brain and replaces them with the identity of the person you want to be.

Having your subconscious working for you instead of against you.

Stepping into situations that used to trigger self-doubt and responding with calm, authentic confidence.

Achieving goals without the constant internal battle.

If you're ready to make the SHIFT?? 1:1, then please feel free to reach out for a chat.

Find me at The Better Brain Company