How to stay Mindful during an Argument

One of the most difficult aspects of any relationship or business and professional partnership is arguing. Disagreeing can often cause irritation, frustration or anger among participants. We all know very well what means ”to lose our temper” and throw out hurtful things that we might regret afterwords, or spend hours or days focusing on our disappointment and pain and trying to find a justification for our behaviour or reviewing the facts, the words you both said until your feel completely drained of energy.

Of course, there are also people who go over the arguments very quickly and manage to keep their positive state no matter how strong and hurtful the argument was.

How do they do it?!

How can we remain collected and mindful when all the buttons have been pushed?

Can we really control our reactions when we are really upset? As a non native speaker, can we still manage to find the right words? The words that we might have used in our native language?

Can we manage to control our reactions when we are upset or when we are driven by impulses?

Can we fully express all the frustration that we accumulate because we are not any more in control of our communication? Or when we get blank? It is like all the French or English you knew has disappeared?

Begin with Yourself

One of the most therapeutic question to start with in any situation causing anger is:

”What does this have with me?”

”Why is this making me so angry, so frustrated, so upset? Is it also because I couldn't express myself as I wished? I wasn't able to find all those words or expressions I would have liked to use?”

”Why do I care so much?”

And here are a few additional questions to reflect upon:

”How do I relate to this situation?”

”How do I relate with this issue?”

”Am I being personally offended?”

”What I would have liked to say and I could not?”

”What re my feelings: anger, frustration, pain, fear?”

”How strong is my attachment to this particular argument?”

Acknowledge your feelings and let them go!

Take a Moment

When you start feeling your frustration or anger raising, take a moment to breathe, calm yourself down and tap into your patience. Take some distance and go to a restroom, a cafeteria or out for a walk. Try to put together your thoughts and the vocabulary you need for those arguments. This moment of rest will allow to collect yourself, think more clearly and effectively. Think also why you are sucked in this argument: is it because of your interlocutor's desire to argue or because of your own emotions invested in that topic? Or because of your communication?

Mindfulness is not about incantations, but about being present in the moment in a serene, peaceful and gentle way, especially if you are emerging from different cultures, and non judgmental way. Allowing yourself that moment serves the purpose of clearing your mind and calming it down. You move away from fight or flight and avoid getting stuck or blank. Do a breathing exercise and focus on yourself. Think about your goals and purpose in that specific argument, and try to manage your instincts. Think about the vocabulary you would like to use!

Admit It When You Are Wrong

Another important aspect of mindfulness is the Mindset. Arguments, sometimes, purely and simpley revolve around desire to win and be right. A primitive instinct that helps you to maintain a positive self image and fuel your ego, on short term. On long term, such behaviour, especially in a multicultural environment, can be perceived as being self-sufficient, ignorant, arrogant.

Being right all the time leads to an extremely unhappy life of resentment, anger and frustration. It is also a sign of fixed mindset fearing any change or learning something new.

Shifting the perspective towards a growth mindset means to be open to challenges, show interests in different aspects, plus the beauty of discovering that not being right all the time is not so bad. Admitting that you are wrong is also a sign of strength and open mind that can bring you closer to your interlocutor.

Speak Up

If the disagreement is persistent, it might be difficult to speak up. However, expressing how you really feel and what you really think and staying true with yourself, has a crucial role in calming down the heat of the argument.

People tend to feel vulnerable when they do not have the means to express what they want, especially as a non native, but trying to put everything together using all the vocabulary you remember in such situations, despite mistakes or plain language, you would be surprised how much honesty will bring in the relationship. Staying honest, authentic and being transparent is how you bring mindfulness in an argument.

Be Grateful

A gratitude approach to life, either personal or professional, tend to make people more satisfied and happier. Daily gratitude, even as a driven leader, provides us with a positive mindset and keeps our minds open no matter how tough the argument is.

If you are entering in a heated argument, challenge yourself to remember what you like, respect in that person or in the topic the argument revolves around. You might be upset or annoyed simply because you feel you are not able to express yourself the way you want or because of the non native label, and an argument, being loud in argument would help you to stand out. Is there something to be grateful about in that situation that could lower the anger and help you find a mutual mindful understanding?

Play the Gandhi Style

When you notice that your interlocutor is about to lose their temper, act contrarily: be gentle, nurturing, caring, supportive and soft. Start be using a positive language. Slow down your words because when you talk fast, it rumps up the tension. You may say: ”I just need a break right now!”, ”I need some space!” and move forward expressing your feeling: ”I can say I am getting frustrated!”

Although you might have rehearsed how to react in an argument during your communication and public speaking coaching, you cannot exhaust the whole list. However, this kind of practice is healing resentment with love and helps you to remain clear, focused and concise. It takes a lot of work to remember to remain mindful and apply all these steps and act oppositely to what your basic instincts tell you how to act and react, be honest and authentic, it will definitely pay off. You will also discover that you can easily access all that English or French you need in such situations.

And if you think that your interlocutor might find you silly or weak, in the end honesty, calm voice, generosity, open mind and gratitude help you both to calm down and work around a solution.