How to stay a leader when your world is falling apart

During the past six months, I’ve undergone a serious of terrible events. I experienced the deaths of two dearly loved family members, and on the way to one of those funerals, I was in a bad car accident, our golden retriever was diagnosed with cancer and my father-in-law was diagnosed with stage 3 - 4 cancer. These were serious blows; I felt raw and resembled walking wounded (both literally and figuratively) while I healed.

As a self-employed consultant, my clients look to me to fulfill our agreements as their coach. They look to me to lead them. I was an emotional mess. How in the world could I lead others while experiencing so much distress? I learned some pretty good lessons about coping during these times of serious stress. I thought I’d share with you what I’ve learned in my journey to healing.

It is, definitely, possible to continue to be an effective leader while you manage the stressful events. Here’s how.

Have and Use Your Support System

You likely have some strong supporters in your life, both personally and professionally. This is the time to make use of that support system. If someone asks if there is anything they can do, say YES. Ask for help when you need it, whether it’s from friends, family, or colleagues. Sit down and figure out what life tasks you can assign to others while you cope. Let others help you. It is NOT a sign of weakness to accept help; it’s a sign of the great strength in your community.

Don’t Repress Your Emotions

There is a strong American belief that you need to mute your feelings, particularly at work. Unfortunately, not feeling your emotions will poison you. It’s toxic to hold them back. The suppression often results in an explosion at an inappropriate time. Obviously, though, there is a time and place to let those feelings out — so make sure you have space and time to do so. While you don’t want to make any grand announcements to your team, it is perfectly okay to tell someone, “If I’m short with you, it’s not personal. It’s stuff happening in my life.” Be as transparent as possible. I found unexpected support from clients and colleagues by simply sharing what was going on. If you work somewhere that isn’t empathetic, it will do more harm than good to share details with workmates, so don’t share with them. But remember to step out a couple of times a day and reach out to someone outside your work that can help.

If Time Off Is An Option, Take It

After my family member’s funeral, I took time off for bereavement. It was the best decision I could have made. If your company offers leave for bereavement or helping family members through health issues, take it. Emotion will hit at unexpected times, and time off gives you the space to fall apart in private.

As a leader in your organization, you set the tone. Your people look to you for their emotional cues. Don’t show up at work the day after your wife dies and act like it’s a normal day, no one would view that as normal or healthy. You create the company culture when it comes to unexpected tragedy. I spoke with a CEO whose wife had cancer. His strategy? To be transparent and share his situation with the board. Collectively they came up with a leave schedule so he could be with his wife during treatment. It reshaped his relationship with the board and his team and allowed him to be present for his wife’s care. As a result, his people respected him more for his authenticity and courage to be human.

Delegate, Delegate, Delegate

This one is tough. You are clearly the best at what you do, and giving away duties to others can feel like you’re surrendering. But during times of crisis, you need to let go of some things — both at work and at home. Hire cleaners for your home, ask friends to walk the dog, and work with your team members to help them help you get the job done when you can’t give it your full attention.

This is also a place where some advanced planning can be helpful; having a central document your team can access with your various duties and suggestions about who can take up the slack is invaluable. Because the work still needs doing, and you need to take a break from doing it.

Be Gentle With Yourself

Leaders are leaders for a reason — they have a passion for getting things done, an excellent work ethic, and are fully committed to what they do. It can be all too easy to fall into your leadership role as a sort of coping tool during times of tragedy, but here’s the harsh reality: you will not be effective when you’re dealing with major life stresses. Take some time off to heal. I watched a lot of old positive-themed movies while I was in my bereavement week, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Get Help If You Need It

In the past, there’s been a stigma, particularly for leaders, around needing help to get through a traumatic event. But I do find, more and more in my work, that people reach out to me as a coach to help them cope. It’s important to get the help before you’re desperate. There is no shame in needing professional help. Help can come in all kinds of forms. Get the specific help you need, such as grief counselors or support groups who can assist you with the emotional aspect of this life event. Take the time to look around, and feel free to fire anyone (such as a therapist) who isn’t helping. You deserve the best help you can find.

The biggest gift you can give yourself during times of crisis is to be your own advocate. Advocate for yourself by asking for time off, by reaching out to your support network, and taking care of yourself. Advocate for your own emotional health by getting the help you need. You can, and will, survive this and be stronger on the other side. You just don’t need to do it all by yourself.

In the words of Maxwell Maltz, “Close scrutiny will show that most 'crisis situations' are opportunities to either advance or stay where you are.”

Kelly A. Meerbott, principal of You: Loud & Clear Inc., provides leadership coaching focused on helping successful senior leaders achieve positive, long-term change in behavior for themselves, their teams, and their organizations. She can be reached at [email protected] or www.youloudandclear.com.

This piece first appeared in the Philadelphia Business Journal on March 24, 2016.

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