How to start a conversation with your husband about his mental health

Understanding how to approach a conversation about mental health, especially with a loved one like your husband, can be challenging. In this article, we discuss effective techniques that you can use to talk with your husband about his mental health, so you can both engage with each other better, reach common ground and head toward a healthier mental health for him, and relationship for the both of you.

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There is a lot of stigma with men’s mental health. With men, this is often internalised and can prevent men from seeking help or even acknowledging their struggles with conditions like depression.

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Recognising the signs of mental illness in men

Before initiating a conversation, it's important to recognise the signs of depression or mental health struggles in men as these may differ from the signs that present in women.

In a marriage these can present in different ways as well. This not an exhaustive list, but these are signs that, if you see regularly, may indicate an underlying mental health condition.

• changes in mood such as becoming angry easily, shouting or being tearful.
• A man may also not want to spend as much time together and be alone with himself more than usual.
• You may find his sleep is interrupted.
• He may be eating a lot more or the opposite, barely eating much at all with resultant changes in weight.
• He may be avoiding social settings and being more reclusive.
• He may start drinking alcohol, or start drinking more heavily than normal.
• He may be wanting to lie in more often and be less active or less motivated to do his usual things.

Being observant of these changes can guide the need and timing of your conversation.

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Remember that these may not necessarily be due to mental illness, but may reflect a tough time at work or other stress. In any case, keeping an eye out for these changes can help you to recognise there is a problem, the first step in helping him get back on his feet.

One common misconception is that men are less emotional or don't experience feelings as intensely as women. This is a harmful stereotype that can make it harder for men to open up about their mental health. It's important to approach the conversation with an open mind and avoid making assumptions about how your husband should be feeling.

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Deciding you want to talk with him

It can be difficult to decide if you want to approach your husband with concerns about their mental health. However there often comes a point where a combination of factors may lead you to thinking ‘now’ is the time I need to talk with him.

Often it may be one or more of the combinations of the below:

• Issues are ongoing for a while.
• It’s become harder to live with him in the ‘usual’ way.
• Issues are impacting his daily life.
• Issues are impacting your daily life.
• Your relationship has become negatively affected.
• Others are noticing the change in his behaviour including perhaps children.

Whatever reason, it’s important once you have decided to be prepared for the conversation as much as possible.

Considerations to take before talking with him

Before talking with your husband it’s important to think of how the conversation may end. Why should you think about the end first? Because if there is a big risk it could end badly, it may not be a good idea to broach the topic with him, or it may be worth thinking further about how to approach him best.

If you think your husband may react in a neutral or positive way, then it’s worth going ahead and having a conversation.

If you think your husband may react in a negative way or in a way in which things may get worse form him, then its worth considering if It might be better to go direct to a professional first, either with him or if very concerned, without him, so the professional can hold the conversation with him directly.

If you think the conversation may lead to him becoming violent or abusive, then definitely get support first by speaking to a doctor or speaking to domestic abuse charities who can provide support such as Womens Aid and Refuge. Remember mental illness is not a reason to hurt someone physically, so do get support early. This support will help you in the short term and will help your partner in the long term, by understanding that physical abuse is never a solution to problems.

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It may be difficult to tell in advance, how he may react, but it’s important not to ignore your instinct.? If you feel you need support to speak with him, definitely get it. It’s worthwhile remembering, there is no one ‘correct’ way to support your husband, but the aim is to help him as best you can whilst ensuring he isn’t getting worse.

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The right time and place to talk

When it comes to choosing the right time and place for the conversation, it’s important to consider a few things first.

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1. Private and Comfortable Setting: Ensure the location is private and free from distractions. A familiar, comfortable space where your husband feels safe and at ease is ideal. Ensure that it is quiet and that you are not disturbed. It’s worth giving a hint to your husband that you would like to spend some time together to discuss your worries without necessarily going into detail or specifics. This will also help prepare him in advance of any discussion so that he can come mentally better prepared.

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1. Avoid Stressful Times: Steer clear of times when he is under a lot of stress, such as just before work or during a hectic day. Choose a moment when he is more relaxed and open to conversation, perhaps over dinner or relaxing on the couch together.

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1. Consider His Preferences: If he has a preferred time or place where he feels more open and communicative, take this into account. It could be during a quiet evening at home or a walk in a serene environment.

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1. Avoid Public or Crowded Spaces: Discussions about personal mental health issues should ideally not take place in public spaces where your husband might feel exposed or uncomfortable. Talking in an environment with lots of people around may not make him feel comfortable at all.

At the same time, you could consider talking about mental health in a group setting with your husband present but without talking specifically about what your husband is going through or mentioning him by name. This might make him reflect on his own state of mind and also make it less surprising when you do decide to have that one to one conversation with him. He will likely be mentally more receptive to your advice as he has had a chance to reflect on the topic prior to you discussing it with him. It may also trigger him to realise something isn’t right aswell.

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1. Timing is Key: Wait for a natural opening in your routine, such as after dinner or during a weekend morning when there are no immediate obligations. The goal is to avoid rushing the conversation and to provide ample time for an open and honest discussion.

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It's essential to pick a moment when your husband is most likely to be receptive. This might mean waiting for a day when he's not overly stressed or tired. The setting should be private and comfortable, away from distractions and interruptions.

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Love and concern

Initiate the conversation with love and concern, not judgement. Use open-ended questions to encourage dialogue. Phrases like, "I’ve noticed you’ve been seeming quite down lately, is there anything on your mind you’d like to talk about?", can be a good start. It's important to use language that is non-confrontational and shows that you're coming from a place of care and support.

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Once the conversation begins, ensure that you're listening actively and empathetically. This means being present, acknowledging his feelings, and avoiding minimising his experiences. Show that you understand and care about his mental well-being. It’s vital not to interrupt or rush the conversation; let him take his time to express his feelings and thoughts.

Its’s really important to allow him to express himself, even if his thoughts are those you do not agree with or understand fully. Minimising his thoughts can make him become more defensive and close up and that can sometimes damage the chances of opening up again in future.

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If the situation warrants it, gently encourage seeking professional help. Emphasise that depression and mental health issues are common and treatable, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Reinforce your love for him and reassure him that you are a pillar of stability in his life. It might be helpful to research in advance some potential mental health resources or professionals that he could reach out to. Examples include his GP, a psychologist or a counsellor. If you find that him being isolated socially is contributing, it’s worth considering sign-posting him to men’s mental health charities such as Andy’s Man Club.

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If he wants support but doesn’t want to speak to anyone just yet, you could sign post to Man Confidence modules on our therapies page. Check in with him regularly, but also give him space if he needs it. It's a delicate balance between being supportive and respecting his independence and process.

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Final words of advice

Reassure him of your support throughout his journey. Let him know you're there for him, whether he needs someone to talk to, help in finding professional support, or just someone to sit with in silence. This reassurance can make a significant difference in how he perceives and deals with his mental health.

Remember that starting a conversation about mental health with your husband requires courage, understanding, and patience. It's about creating a safe space where he can feel heard and supported. This conversation is just the beginning. Continue to be a pillar of support as he navigates through his mental health journey.

It’s also important to look after your own mental health. Supporting someone with mental health issues can be emotionally taxing, so ensure you have your own support system in place. This might involve talking to friends, family, or a professional about your feelings and experiences.

In some cases, couples therapy can be a helpful way to address mental health issues together. It provides a safe and structured environment where both partners can express their feelings and concerns with the guidance of a professional.

Furthermore, it is essential to educate oneself about mental health, particularly about men's mental health issues. This knowledge not only equips you with a better understanding of what your husband may be going through but also helps in breaking down any misconceptions or fears you might have.

It's equally important to encourage activities that promote mental wellness. This could include regular exercise, healthy eating, and engaging in hobbies or activities that bring joy and relaxation. Encouraging your husband to participate in such activities together can be a great way to support him, as well as to strengthen your relationship.

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Finally, remember that change doesn’t happen overnight. Healing and recovery can be a slow process, and it’s important to celebrate small victories along the way. Your support and understanding can make a significant difference in your husband's journey towards better mental health.

It’s important to recognise that every individual's journey with mental health is unique. What works for one person might not work for another. Therefore, patience and a willingness to try different approaches are key.

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Dr Junaid Hussain ??

GP, Founder of Man Confidence

Mental Health For Men

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If at any point your husband expresses thoughts of feeling suicidal, it’s really important to get support immediately. You can ring NHS 111, 24/7 within the UK, so that a health professional can assess him quickly and discuss what support he needs with you and with him.

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