How to Start a Conversation Online

Buiding connections is about more than just sending connection requests out, it is about connecting.

I received a message recently, from Jane (a pseudonym), asking for advice. I'm sharing this together with some ideas that may work - they've worked for me - and I hope you will explore these. 

The question I received was :

"Dear Rowena

I need help specifically with how to communicate ie how to start a conversation with people online. Often, when I reach out to make a new connection on LinkedIn, I have to get brave and say hello but then the conversation ends shortly thereafter.

After that, I don't really know what topic to engage in conversation about. I have a background in finance but want to get into the events industry because of my love for travel and because I've been working to get more skills in this area. I am passionate about it and want to learn more. I look online for companies in this space and apply for jobs within.

I connect, on LinkedIn, with people with event industry experience and I'm just curious to know more about the industry as well as to get a job. People are quite nice and reply to me but it stops there. I don’t know why this happens. Do people think it's a waste of time to explain things to me? I don’t just want to apply for jobs, I want to be able to speak to these people and learn. What should I do?"

regards Jane

Some observations

First, Jane has a number of goals here. She wants to make new connections. She wants to be able to take a conversation forward. She wants to learn. These objectives are all different and each objective requires a different approach and may call for different tactics and responses.

The key here is a tailored approach – each activity tailored to what is required because you cannot hope that one thing or one action will solve every problem. If you can clearly identify your goals when it comes to building your network, then the next step is to prioritise them so that you can allocate the right amount of attention at the right time to the right thing.

Second, there is no magic bullet, I will be the first to admit. Sure, there are people out there who are exploring all kinds of strategies including purchasing likes and views. Hacking their way through life. I am not.

I am going the organic route, the authentic route - and if you are as well - then you realise one thing. It’s about staying power and consistency. It is about doing what you need to do to accomplish your goals, staying the course so you can see the efforts generate results and then moving from there.

And you do this because this is what you want to do. This is your thing. 

It’s not a shortcut to something else. Far too often, we are bombarded by quick fixes and things which address symptoms, not the cause. Real success requires real work to be put in. It’s not always easy to see that this is needed because today’s world is the world of immediate gratification, always-on and instant reply.

People demand our attention, telling us what we need to focus on but remember, we choose where we focus.

We live in a time where we are all our own PR spokepersons, carefully crafting the images we want people to see of us. We don’t show our sweat, our quiet lonely hours, our struggle. More often than not, we show our best, our fun times and our successes. It’s skewed and unreal but its omnipresent and a force to be reckoned with. People demand our attention, telling us what we need to focus on but remember, we choose where we focus. Always.

Third, like anything good in life, these things take time. You don’t move jobs or roles overnight expecting to be a sensation. You understand that hard work, dedication, consistency, failure and experimentation are all part and parcel of what needs to be done to get to the point where you can say that you understand something and that you know it well. So, the first step is to allow yourself that room to breathe, to give yourself the space to explore and make mistakes and just go through the whole process and come out on the other side.

WIIFM

The acronym stands for : What's in it for me?

In this context, you understand that almost everyone is time-poor and stretched. You are bombarded daily by text messages, all manner of advertising, email and social media. With so much coming at you, you filter most things out. There is an attention deficit.

Naturally, that which attracts you are things you are interested in, things you are involved with and things that stroke your ego. So this is the important bit - if you can find a way to trigger any of this in your reader's mind, then you've got their attention. It is the first of many steps but it is a good start.

Just like you do in real life except for the advantage of online connections

Approaching someone online is something you’d want to do in much the same way you'd approach someone in real life. When you meet a stranger for the first time, at a party or event, do you typically introduce yourself and then ask for a job or referral? I didn’t think so yet I can’t tell you the number of times I have connected to strangers online for the first time and that is the first things they choose to say to me. Seriously.

What should you do?

Make small talk. Show interest in the other person. Find things that connect you both. Work towards building a connection and then over time, work on deepening that connection. To be honest, sometimes it works and sometimes, it does not. There are many factors that make things sparkle, the connections between two people are tangible yet vulnerable. So go with the flow.

One of the best things, however, about online connections is that you have a golden opportunity to discover a person before you reach out. Yes, that’s right. You can review their profile, research them on Google, explore mutual connections on LinkedIn or outside, read through an article they have written, checked out their comments on other people’s posts. To those who are incredulous at these suggestions, these activities may look like a waste of time but, in reality, these nuggets are a goldmine. You cannot do the same at in-person networking events - you focus on the person in front of you instead.

Being other-focused takes time and practice, it's not easy and it's not for everyone.

Stop with 'what can they do for me?' and start with 'what can I do for them?'

Being other-focused takes time and practice, it's not easy and it's not for everyone. But it is powerful. I repeat – powerful.

Changing the question you ask of yourself changes everything.

It's only human to perk up and take notice when someone wants to help you out or wants to see what you need. And if you're not convinced, if you're asking yourself, "Why should I care?" or "Why should I start with what I can do for them?", then realise that they too, will be asking the same question of themselves.

How would you do this?

It starts with finding out more about who they are, what they care about and what they do. You're simply having a conversation, it's not an interrogation. Go with your gut feel, different people respond differently. Adjust how you respond based on their replies. Some are happy to engage in online banter, some may prefer to meet up for coffee. Some want to cut to the chase, some want to tarry.

Try what works. It continues with curiosity because you need to be genuinely interested in who the person is.

Build a body of work - focus on work that can add value

If you've been specialising in a particular domain, share what you know. This is one way you can raise your visibility. It is also a good way because it allows you to focus on what you're good at, what you're comfortable with. I can’t tell you the number of times people have said to me that they have nothing to add to the conversation.

Not true.

Understand this - we all learn differently, we are at different stages of our learning journey and the combination of our skills and rich experience create a unique world view for us and therefore, a unique interpretation of what we see and make sense of. There is as much value in the interpretation of someone just starting out in his journey today with what little he knows as there is in someone who started out 30 years ago, with what he had. Both bring different things to the table.

There is value in what you have to offer.

If you're making a career shift or exploring a new domain, that too is no reason to say to yourself that you are inexperienced and have nothing to share. One of the things that blew me away early in the blogosphere world was how people who were at the start of a new journey, a journey they knew nothing about, saw fit to share their experiences, thoughts and emotions.

Bloggers starting companies, selling a new product or launching a service who wanted to be part of a collective story, who wanted to be part of the fabric of business storytelling, who understood that there was value in their unique perspective, undeterred by the fact that they were young in the journey and inexperienced. It was precisely because they were young in the journey and inexperienced that it made sense to document, to share, to journey together. To learn as peers, to exchange ideas and to grow together.

We are all artists in our domain.

So what do I mean by build a body of work?

Typically, this refers to the total output of an artist or writer. But this is not limited to artists. We are all artists in our domain. We are all capable of building our body of work.

Some of your work is captured internally in organisations, conversations, email exchanges and confidential documentation that you are not at liberty to share. However, you're not capturing the intricate details of a given deal or particular occurrences. You are doing two things.

First, you are learning to articulate what you've worked on, developed or been a part of. Learning to do this helps you to speak more authoritatively about who you are and what you do because until you learn how to articulate this, it stays fuzzy.

Second, when you then share your work, you share your journey and help to teach others who may be interested or who may be at a different stage of a similar journey. This sharing helps others to make sense of things, give them a new perspective as well as provides a feeling of camaraderie. Your work becomes part of a collective, adding to the rich history that goes beyond just what you do. Your work can be captured through blog posts, guest articles, slideshares, books, infographics or through speaking opportunities. Each platform or medium offers a different experience, a different audience and of course, different range of responses.

You don't need to be an expert

Reading this, you're likely to think that you're not in any way ready. There may be more excuses than excitement.

I've never written before. What do I know? People will see right through me. Who am I to tell people what to do? They already know what to do, what new thing can I possibly say?

Let me help shift the way you look at this.

Take the story of Marcus Sheridan, a blogger, podcaster and keynote speaker who specialises in content and inbound marketing. Marcus nearly lost his swimming pool business during the 2008 market crash. Knowing he had to generate even more trust, traffic and sales then and with no money to do it, he looked to the internet and decided that he would address his prospects' questions, issues and fears. This was how he turned his business around totally. Google him and read his story, here is one link.

If I had one take-away to starting a conversation online, it would be to start. Just start, stay real and take it from there.

Mull over the idea that you are capable of significant influence. You can use your talent, leverage your experience and skillset and put it to good use. You can make the changes you need to see happening within your circles of influence. Feel free to reach out if you're planning to write a book and need a ghostwriter, editor or just help to get started. Connect if you're looking for ways to broaden your network or need help to develop with your LinkedIn profile. You can find out more about me or sign up for my newsletter at rowenamorais.com.