How the Standards of Respect Explain How to Move Forward- Part 4: Be Responsive

This is part four of a series on how the Standards of Respect explain how to move forward. Click here for part one, part two, and part three.?

How the Standards of Respect Explain How to Move Forward??

Part 4: Be Responsive

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” -Carlos Castaneda?

The cursed voyage of Ulysses and his crew had set them on course to pass the island of the Sirens, beautiful women whose irresistible songs brought every sailor to their shore and ultimately their death.?Ulysses wanted to be the only person to hear the singing and live to tell the tale, so he had his men tie him to the mast of the ship and protect themselves by putting beeswax in their ears to block the sound. As the ship passed the island, the Sirens began singing directly to Ulysses, promising him all the world’s knowledge and pleasure if he landed ashore, but tied down and with a temporarily deaf crew, he was safe from danger despite his frantic pleas to be cut loose and change course. This mythical display of foresight and locking yourself into a decision was so effective, it’s now called a Ulysess Pact.?

Now that we’ve acknowledged our situation, we’ve picked an activity to help us listen to ourselves better, and we’re communicating with others using the Path to Sharing, we’re feeling pretty good about ourselves, right? I mean before we were the dog in the “this is fine” meme and now we’re communicating with other humans? Huge?win.?

It is a great start, but to truly be responsive to what we’ve heard and what we need, to truly move forward and greet those new selves we’re creating (like we talked about in part one), we need to make this a habit. We need to analyze what we’re doing now, decide what we want to change, predict where the pitfalls may be, and tie ourselves to the proverbial mast.?

(Author’s Note: If you’ve struggled to select something to work on, answer this provocative question from Atomic Habits author James Clear: “If someone took control of your life tomorrow, what’s the first thing they would change?”)?

Your habits are those largely unconscious things you do every day. Some of them are helpful and serve you well, like brushing your teeth when you wake up in the morning or putting pants on before you leave the house (I included those in case it's been too long and you've forgotten). Others might be more destructive or prohibitive and are part of what’s causing you to not get the results you want in your life, something like reaching for the bag of Skittles when you plop on the couch at the end of the day. To turn your new activity (something you do) into a practice (something you do every day) we’ll take some liberty with another tool from an OPD workshop, this time it’s the New Habit Formula from The Coaching Habit.?

The formula itself is simple:?

When this happens [the trigger/your Siren]?

Instead of [old habit]?

I will [new, tiny habit]?

And I will tie myself to the mast by [Ulyssess Pact]?

The trigger is your environmental or situational queue (the time of day, the location, a person, a chain of events, etc.), the old habit is the thing you usually do and want to change, your new habit is something small you can do in sixty seconds or less, and the Ulyssess Pact is what step(s) you’ll take to increase your odds of success. Let’s dive deeper into that end of day routine to show you what I mean:?

When this happens [I sit down on the couch at the end of the day]?

Instead of [reaching for the bag of Skittles]?

I will [have an apple instead]?

And I will tie myself to the mast by [donating all of my junk food]?

Or:

When this happens [I sit down on the couch at the end of the day]?

Instead of [turning on the TV right away]?

I will [write three things I’m grateful for in my journal]?

And I will tie myself to the mast by [put my journal on the coffee table on top of the remote]?

Once you see this work, you’ll look at everything?through the lens of the New Habit Formula and think “instead of that, I will do this”. You can even pair this with our Path to Sharing from part three to make communicating more of a habit.?

As Seneca wrote nearly two thousand years ago, whoever has come to the mirror has already changed, but we have two more standards left in our series and both will cover our experiences with others.?Until then, I’d love to hear how you’re doing with your new habit.?

Matt?

For Part 5, click here.