How to Stand Up for Yourself: Advocating for Your Needs

1. Read the Room

Before approaching your coach, take a moment to sense the energy they’re giving off. Are they stressed or busy? Does their body language suggest they’re open to a conversation? Timing is everything. Picking the right moment to talk can make all the difference in how your message is received.

Do not approach your coach directly after the game. Many coaches have a 24-hour rule to discuss things that may have happened during the game. If your coach seems distracted or cannot give you their full attention, schedule a time for another conversation. It may be frustrating, but it will help with a more productive conversation going forward.

2. Schedule a Time to Talk

Rather than catching your coach off guard, ask to schedule a time to meet. Something simple like, “Coach, do you have time to talk after practice?” shows respect for their time and gives them a chance to prepare for the conversation, too. Giving them a heads up on what you may be interested in talking about allows them to be prepared and you are able to have the convo on equal footing.

3. Stick to the Facts

When you approach your coach, focus on what you know firsthand, not what you’ve heard from others. For example, instead of saying, “Everyone says you’re unfair about playing time,” you could say, “I’ve noticed I’m getting less playing time than last season, and I’d like to understand why.” Staying factual keeps the conversation constructive. Stay away from generalizations like "Everyone" or "Noone" like "Everything thinks the defense is garbage" instead try "I am having trouble understanding the defense."

4. Use “I” Statements

“I” statements are a great way to express how you feel without blaming anyone. For example, “I feel frustrated because I’ve been working hard, but I’m not seeing that reflected in my playing time,” is much more effective than, “You never play me, and it’s unfair.”

5. Come Prepared with Notes

It’s easy to get distracted or forget your main points in a high-pressure conversation. Before your meeting, jot down the key things you want to say. This can help you stay on track and ensure you cover everything that’s important to you. When your emotions catch up to you, take a minute to breathe, glance at your notes, and carry on.

6. Have Solutions in Mind

When bringing up an issue, also come with ideas for solving it. For example, if you feel you’re not getting enough feedback, you could say, “Could we schedule a quick check-in once a week so I can understand how I’m progressing?” This shows that you’re proactive and invested in finding a solution. If you're able to bring a solution forward, it shows that you want to make things better and not just complain.

7. Bring Data to Back Up Your Points

If you’re discussing something like playing time, performance, or expectations, come with data to support your perspective. For example, you could track your practice attendance, performance stats, or feedback you’ve received. Data helps make your case more objective and credible.

8. Know When to Pause the Conversation

Sometimes, a conversation can become heated or unproductive. If this happens, it’s okay to suggest taking a break. You can say, “I think I need some time to process this. Can we revisit this conversation later?” Recognizing when to step back shows maturity and keeps the conversation from escalating. If you feel that you are not being listened to, you can always say "Perhaps we need to continue this at a better time."

9. Accept That Not Every Issue Has a Resolution

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you may not get the outcome you hoped for. And that’s okay. Standing up for yourself is still a win because you’re advocating for your needs and learning how to navigate tough conversations—a skill that will serve you throughout your life.

10. Document the Conversation

After your meeting, write down what was discussed and any agreements or next steps. This helps you stay clear on what happened and provides a reference if you need to follow up later.

11. It’s Okay to Be Emotional

It’s completely normal to feel emotional during these conversations, especially because the topic is so close to your heart. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a moment to gather your composure. Saying something like, “I just need a second,” can help you regain your focus and continue the discussion with confidence.

12. Know When to Bring in an Adult

If the issue isn’t resolved or you feel the conversation isn’t productive, it’s time to involve an adult. This could be your parents, a school administrator, or an athletic director. Follow the chain of command to show respect for the process:

1. Talk to your coach individually first.
2. If the issue persists, meet with your coach and your parents together.
3. As a last resort, involve you, your parents, a school administrator, and your coach in the conversation.

Following this order demonstrates that you’ve tried to handle the situation responsibly on your own before escalating it.

Why Advocating for Yourself Matters

Learning how to stand up for yourself is a critical part of becoming a strong, independent leader. As a Gen Z student-athlete, you already bring so much to the table: your work ethic, your passion, and your voice. Don’t be afraid to use it. Your journey—on and off the field—is shaped by your ability to advocate for your needs, set boundaries, and find solutions. You’ve got this!