How to Spot Spiritual Narcissists

Fake spiritual healers and pastors are dangerous. Instead of being of service to others they are self-serving. Their primary goal is to make a positive difference to their bank balance, social media following or reputation.

The narcissistic healer, guru or pastor has a grandiose idea of who they are. They inflate the importance of their role and work. They are not in it to make a positive impact on the world and those around them. They are only doing it for the glory, admiration and endless narcissistic supply that the role affords them.

They love being seen as the one who holds all the sacred knowledge. The only one who is special enough to help you “heal” or “spiritually evolve.” Instead of sharing information, they withhold it. They like to keep the balance of power tipped in their favor. They become the gatekeepers of your salvation.

Authentic healers and spiritual or religious leaders put their congregation or clients’ needs above their own. They know that their primary role is to serve?—?not to be served. This is not easy and it can be the hardest part of being in a leadership position. Spiritual Narcissists can’t do this. They do not have the empathy required to truly hold space for another human being. They see people as objects to be used, exploited and abused.

“Ego is able to convert anything to its own use, even spirituality.” ~ Ch?gyam Trungpa

An authentic spiritual or religious leader or healer, recognizes that they do not have special powers or status. They are simply the faucet through which divine wisdom flows. God is using them to do His work. Done in the right spirit (and with the Holy Spirit), this process of serving and ministering to other people is deeply humbling, challenging and rewarding.

The spiritual narcissist does not see themselves as a fellow human being, who has traversed the same challenges and limitations as you. Rather, the spiritual narcissist sees themselves as exalted. Their version of self-love is achieving fame, wealth, a mansion, expensive cars or a remodeled body. The spiritual narcissist becomes this God-like figure that mere mortals are blessed to come into contact with.

Extreme examples of spiritual narcissism are seen in faith healers like John of God or cult leaders like Osho and David Koresh. People lost their lives in tragic and inhumane ways. Spiritual narcissists use coersive control to harm, punish and frighten their victims. It's all about power and control. And money.

Emotional and financial abuse is rife with so-called esoteric healers. These witchdoctors and spell castors work with the dark arts. They use coercive control to get you to buy their services. They spin fear-based stories like “to break this curse you need this” or “you need to buy this crystal to protect yourself.” The con you into spending more and more money.

Spiritual narcissists feed off the pain and suffering of others. It makes them feel powerful and in control. It feeds their god-complex. Instead of empowering the people they are supposed to serve, they devalue them to keep them dependent.

Here are some signs you are dealing with a Spiritual Narcissist:

• They use inflated language and big words to sound more intelligent than you. This often indicates you are dealing with a cerebral narcissist.
• They present themselves as the only true source of ‘secret wisdom’ or they proclaim that only they hold “special knowledge” or have access to “secret information.”
• They create an ‘us versus them’ mentality whereby “we are enlightened and others are not.”
• They constantly tell you “it’s your ego talking” when you want to give an opinion or share a goal. For example, when I told the “shaman” I met in India that I was writing a book, his response was, “That’s just your ego talking. Book knowledge means nothing. It’s life experience that counts.” This is how they gaslight you and devalue you. They put you down so that they feel superior.
• Spiritual Narcissists need to be admired for how special, unique and successful they are. They may claim their methodology was “downloaded” directly from God and they were specially chosen to bring you this special knowledge that you need to earn or up level to attain.
• During a session they do not value your time?—?they take private calls or answer text messages. They may cancel or end your session with no explanation or warning.
• They do not actively listen to what you are saying. They get distracted.
• They have weak boundaries.
• They get angry when you ask questions or confront them about an issue. They don’t answer your questions, act evasive or withhold information.
• They claim you are one of their “special” clients who “gets it.”
• They flirt with you.
• They threaten you with harm or ‘bad luck’ if you don’t buy another service, spell or product from them.
• You come away from the session feeling frightened, heavy, down, depressed and/or broke.

In the helping field, communal narcissism is a form of narcissism whereby the narcissist believes they are on a special mission. They think that they alone will save the world and everyone in it. They project themselves as the most helpful and valuable resource. They use virtue signaling to let everyone know about all the good deeds they have done.

I believe Spiritual Narcissists are also communal narcissists. They are just using religion, spirituality and the healing arts to get narcissistic supply. Communal narcissism is similar to grandiose narcissism in that it is defined by the same traits of entitlement, arrogance and overconfidence. It’s just showing up in a space where you expect to see humbleness and a genuine sense of duty and service.

Spiritual narcissists believe they are “special.” They are more prophetic, more “psychic”, more intuitive and more spiritual than you. They claim that their “gift”, education and experience makes them an authority on your life, choices and health because they can see things you can’t.

I met and travelled with a spiritual narcissist in India. They sold themselves as a "shamanic healer" doing plant medicine, drumming ceremonies. The red flags were flapping brightly when I realized they had sex with many of the women they worked and ‘journeyed’ with. This is totally inappropriate. It breaks the boundaries of the sacred contract of healing.

It is the equivalent of a psychiatrist sleeping with a patient or a teacher sleeping with a student, or a priest sleeping with a member of the church who has come for counsel. It is a major boundary infringement and it is an abuse of power.

The medicine man in the village or tribe does NOT have sex with the women he helps to heal. Be very wary of western “shamans” wearing beads, tribal gear, tattoos and a drum. They are taking advantage of vulnerable women (and men).

Unfortunately, many spiritual teachers, plant medicine facilitators and spiritual healers are narcissists. The supply they get from the vulnerable men and women who swarm to them is intoxicating. They are taking advantage of people who are at their most vulnerable. People who are hurt and broken. People who don’t have strong boundaries and family ties. Please be very careful. Your spiritual healer or pastor should not be flirting with you or having sex with you.

People in positions of trust can be the most dangerous. Just like family members, we automatically assume they have our best interests at heart. You do not for one moment consider that a Spiritual teacher, pastor, guru or “healer” may have an agenda.

The spiritual community is the perfect hiding place for narcissists because they can prey on the vulnerable and not be questioned. Always trust your gut— if something feels off, it is. Be very careful of who you allow into your life. Do not overshare your trauma story with those who have not earned the right to hear it.

Just because they call themselves a ‘healer’ or ‘teacher’ or ‘shaman’ or “pastor”, does not mean they have your best intentions at heart. Always test the spirits behind the people you meet. Practice spiritual discernment. Just as you would do your research when choosing a surgeon or a car, do the same when choosing anyone to be of service to you emotionally or spiritually.

Most importantly, don’t blame yourself for being fooled by a spiritual narcissist. They can be very charming and they know how to love-bomb you in the beginning.

How to keep yourself safe:

1. Trust your gut no matter who you are talking to.
2. Don’t be intimidated by someone who has knowledge in a field that you don’t. Spiritual narcissists love playing up on the mystery and mysticism of the spiritual world. This can cause you to unknowingly give your power away. Never put anyone on a pedestal. They are flawed human beings just like you and me. They just happen to have knowledge and experience that may or may not be helpful to you. If you are talking to someone well-known or who has been highly recommended or has a long list of credentials or years of experience, great! But let your intuition be your guide. Those things mean nothing if you do not feel safe.
3. Check in with yourself and notice if you feel empowered or disempowered. Do you feel safe enough to say anything and not be judged or chastised?
4. Do you feel respected? Does this person respect you, your feelings and your thoughts? Or do they invalidate them and tell you what you should think or should feel? A good spiritual or religious teacher will treat you with respect and see you as an equal. They know you have come to them for their expertise but they know that you have expertise in other areas that they don’t. So there isn’t a power dynamic going on whereby they elevates themselves as more “advanced or enlightened” than you.
5. Notice if they act like they are uniquely gifted and special. They may proclaim how special their gifts are. If they brag about being more evolved than you as they describe how they travel to other dimensions, see “things”, read auras, balance chakras, predict the future, talk to your ancestors, connect with angels, meditate for five hours a day, only eat fruit and drink water… RUN. They are deeply involved in the occult.

New age gurus and charismatic pastors are very appealing, especially if you’re looking for connection. I met several spiritual narcissists, especially when I was involved in the New Age movement. The Holy Spirit convicted me and I was saved by grace. If you are still in the clutches of a spiritual narcissist, my prayer is that you will be saved too.

If you’re ready to stop living in the story of your trauma, book your Breakthrough Session today or contact me to see if we’re a fit for my #SelfLoveJourney Coaching Program. Together, we’ll release the patterns and beliefs that are keeping you stuck.