How to speak your truth to people you’re not sure want to hear it

How many times do you find yourself biting your tongue, preventing yourself from saying a truth you feel deep down inside, but which you know will be uncomfortable or difficult for the other person/people to hear?

Believe me, in my job, I have to bite my tongue at least several times a day. Or rather, I have to find a way in which to say something which is both true to my feelings on a matter and able to be heard by the other person.

It’s very well being the type of person who “Calls a Spade a Spade” – a phrase which is meant to impart the need to be truthful and honest and straightforward in your language. But there are people out there who will try to call it a “mixed media digging implement designed for earth movement of a manual variety involving dexterity of manus with opposable pollex” – seriously! I mean, how on earth is anyone meant to understand what that phrase is trying to say?

Alternatively, other people will proudly tell me that they are not only happy to call a spade a spade, but rather a “sodding shovel” – i.e., they are happy to shove their point very forcefully home. I often find pride in this manner of communicating comes with its own set of other social difficulties!

So, what’s my point? Well, there are times when we all have to deal with difficult conversations in both our personal and professional lives. Sadly, problems rarely disappear unless these conversations are had - and in most cases not thinking carefully about what your authentic feelings are on the matter causes great anxiety, stress, and unhappiness – to both parties.

Why is it so hard to speak authentically on difficult or challenging matters? From my experience, it is the fear of confrontation which keeps people stuck and thein lies a large part of the issue. Learning to confront the issue without being confrontational is the solution. To learn how to be assertive – it is easier said than done, but there are a few really neat and practical aspects to this skill.

Firstly, make your statements undeniable by speaking about your experience, how you feel, how you wish to feel – in keeping ownership of your feelings by using phrases such as “I feel anxious when I’m in the dark about what you’re up to…” you remain authentic without passing on blame. No one else can sensibly outright deny your experience of a situation, although they may have opinions on why you feel the way you do or what you ‘should’ feel instead. Nevertheless, it is much better than starting a conversation off with “You always make me feel bad when you do that…”

Next, try to keep your voice tone calm and measured – which is hard when emotions are running high of course – but it will go a long way in helping the other person be able to hear exactly what it is you’re saying to them. Too often, the tone of anger or anguish will set the other person off on a guilt trip or denial or just simply make them want to escape the uncomfortable reality of having upset someone so much.

It is also a good idea to choose the venue for the conversation carefully – a neutral place where neither party feels particularly at a disadvantage, or where more support is possible should it be necessary. Also, the time of day has a factor in how authentic you will be capable of being and how receptive to the message the other person is – perhaps tackling one’s spouse on a thorny marital matter at 10 pm after a busy working day in the middle of a busy working week isn’t the best time, even if in the moment your emotions compel the topic.

Lastly, please know that everyone struggles with these situations, even the most skilled and purist of ‘authentic truth’ speakers will have moments when they lack clarity of what their authenticity actually is and then fail to have the courage to speak it. This only proves they are human.?

Be gentle upon yourself in these moments. Trust that if you breathe, remain calm, get clear on what you feel and speak only from your experience, and take responsibility for these (the owning “I” statements) then almost all types of topics are possible to raise with our fellow human beings and for your point of view to be heard.

But remember – you must be just as committed to the listening and hearing part of the communication exchange. Once you’ve had your say, be prepared to keep quiet and do your fair share of active listening! But that is a topic for another article another day.

If you want any help on how to speak your truth to people you’re not sure want to hear it – why not get in touch with me.

email: [email protected]

Other helpful articles

The following books offer lots of practical help and can be found on Amazon

Other helpful resources can be found at https://genuinely-you.com?