How to Speak so People Listen

Have you ever been in any of these situations?

You’re talking to your partner, they are looking directly at your face, they seem to be listening as they are not saying anything. Later they do the complete opposite of what you thought you agreed on.? And you say to them, “weren’t you listening??!”

OR You’re speaking to a group about your business, they are looking at you. They seem attentive. They even nod once in a while or smile. They clap loudly. Then...crickets. None or very few take you up on your offer.

OR you are trying to talk to someone about your political beliefs or any beliefs. You think you do a great job of explaining your viewpoint. You listen to their viewpoint, but you do feel a bad feeling in your gut when they talk. And they just seem to argue with you and get defensive.

Are we really listening to each other?? Do we understand each other?? And if not, are we bad listeners or do we not know how to speak so people listen? Ok, trick question, it’s both. We are bad listeners AND we don’t know how to speak so people listen.

Around 85% of what we learn is through listening. Yet Listeners are distracted, forgetful and preoccupied 75 percent of the time. You’re thinking about what you just did or what you have to do next, you’re judging the person talking, you’re filtering what you hear through past experiences, or you’re distracted by your dog or kid or someone or something in the room.

Research suggests people generally listen at a 25% comprehension rate. Which makes sense if you are distracted 75% of the time, you won’t really hear or comprehend 75% of what someone is saying. You won’t really hear or comprehend 75% of what someone is saying.

The Harvard Business review compiled studies that found that?immediately after people ?listen to someone talk, they remember only about half of what hey heard?—no matter how carefully they thought they were listening.

What is this doing to our relationships, our businesses, our politics, and our society?? You’re right, it’s not good! Our relationships suffer because we don’t know how to communicate, and we don’t feel understood. Our relationships suffer because we don’t know how to communicate.

Our businesses suffer because we don’t talk about what we offer in terms that are meaningful for our potential clients and customers.? Our businesses suffer because we try to give information about us instead of giving our customers what they want.

Our politics suffer because of a lot of reasons, but 2 big ones are that we don’t know how to speak about our perspective without making the other person wrong and we don’t know how to listen with an open curious mind.? Ugh our politics suffer because we are not using the best communication skills and for a lot of other reasons we won’t get into here.

Our society suffers for all the reasons above. ?We have to change.

There are already many articles and videos on active listening and active listening is important. Instead of talking about active listening here, I am going to give you an exercise to do that will help you explore your own active listening strengths and weaknesses.

When you are done listening to me talk, go out and try this exercise.? Have a conversation with someone. The whole time, have the intention to stay in curious mode and notice what comes up for you.? Are you thinking about what you want to say? Are you trying to fix the problem? Are you trying so hard to fix it that you are not totally hearing how the other person really feels about it and what they really need or want? Are you wondering if they like you or see you as competent or an expert? Are you trying to prove that you are right?

This is what most people do. So not only are they distracted and overwhelmed with too much information, but their ego is sorting the information through all their filters and needs.

The question I am posing today is even more challenging. How can you be a better speaker?? One person can change communication. One person can change a relationship.

For me, I’ve had plenty of experiences where I felt I was speaking, but I wasn’t being heard. I felt that in past relationships, I felt that with my parents, with my kids, with co-workers, with potential clients. One to one and on a stage.?

Then I studied The Art of Presence and the Art of Conversation. It taught me how to be fully present, be in my whole body, speak from my heart and my gut, stay in curious mode, and keep my ego needs out of the conversation.

We crave being seen, heard, and understood. I became a public speaking coach because this is extremely important. We all have stories that need to get out, we all have messages and opinions and thoughts and feelings that need to be expressed and validated. But too many people aren’t being heard.

And there are too many mission-driven entrepreneurs who don’t know how to get their message out so that people really get what that message is and what their solutions are, so they are not helping nearly as many people as they could.

That is why it is extra important that you learn skills and techniques for being extra captivating so you can keep attention whether you are on a stage or speaking to your partner or an acquaintance. Be clear and concise so that you don’t overwhelm or cause confusion. And know how to motivate so that you inspire listening and action.

?Let’s look at a dozen ways to speak so people listen.

1)??? Stories. If you tell a story with examples and emotion and it is engaging, then?retention increases to 65% to 75%. Your stories need to be all about the action and the results or lessons for your audience even if it is a story about you. It needs to be compelling and interesting. I didn’t start today by saying I’m Marla Press, Founder of Speakers on Fire Academy or start with statistics.? I started with a story we can all relate to…talking to your partner and finding later they didn’t do what you thought you agreed on. Also, people are less defensive when they hear a story vs a statistic or a direct opinion.?

2) Keep people engaged by doing something different every 5-10 minutes…a pattern interrupt, a joke, a change in your voice, a body movement, get out of character.? Have them move, ask questions, get them engaged any way you can, use a visual, use a prop. ?

3) Vary your voice in volume, pace, loudness, pitch.? Vary your sentences with long ???and short ones. Now this sounds pretty simple, but I see too many speakers focus too much on the words they are saying, and they become monotone.? This is true no ?matter what type of speaking you are doing. We can do more to keep attention.?

4)??? Emotion. We pay attention more when there is emotional content. We also remember much more when it is emotional. Think of the things you remember the most. It is usually because it was emotional and it got anchored into your memory and body.? It can be funny or sad or even kinda angry.? The kind of anger that causes people to feel their own discontent and want to make a change. Just make them feel something.

5)??? Build trust.? Eye contact is very important in building trust. If you are on camera, look directly into the camera.? If in person, look at one person at a time. Keep looking into their eyes and face until you get a reaction. It may be subtle. That way the audience will feel you looking at someone and they will feel you are looking at them, too. Too many speakers try to look at everyone. Build trust with congruent body language. Build trust with your words, intention, and tone.?

People are more likely to listen to and be influenced by those they trust. Be authentic.? Yes this is an overused term but an extremely important one.? Speak from your heart and your gut, not your head. Find the right balance of entertainment and connection.?

6)??? Validate the audience and BE OPEN to opposition. One of the most powerful sentences is “You’re right.”? I can understand how you would feel that way. This is not you saying you agree, but there is something valid about what they are saying and you can validate that.

It takes skill and intention to be open to opposition. The more confident you are and realize it is not personal against you, it is just how the other person thinks and feels, the easier it is to be open.

7)??? Build rapport by matching your tone, pitch, pace and language.? Use auditory, visual, and kinesthetic language when speaking to a group so you build rapport with all types of learners.? Examples of auditory are I hear you, listen, loud, quiet. ?Visual language would be I see you, colors, that’s clear. Kinesthetic would be light, heavy, feeling, cold, hot, grasp, etc. Use matching language by listening if speaking to one person.

8)??? Pauses and silence, talk in short bursts. Pauses or silence helps people lean in and be curious. It makes them want to know what you will say next. It also helps them to absorb what you are saying. It helps you emphasize main points.

9) Talk about things they can relate to, a current event, something someone else just said, some commonality. There are always commonalities. Find them.

10) Ask what they need to know not what do I want to say. Ask what they need to ???know not what do I want to say. This isn’t about saying what you think they want to hear. It is about saying the parts of your message that are most relevant, most important, and address their needs.

11)? Hit the highlights, don’t overexplain.? When we overexplain it causes people to tune out because they get lost or overwhelmed. It makes us seem unconfident in what we are saying. You think the more you explain yourself, the more they will understand, but the opposite is true when you are clear and concise.

12) Use metaphors, it bypasses the critical mind and the mind that tries to logically tell if something fits with their beliefs, and it is more likely to go into their mind to be considered

And if you are a business owner of any kind…a coach or a consultant….it is even more important that you learn the Art of Speaking so People Listen. Why? Because you are usually speaking to people that don’t already know you or know you well.? It’s even harder to get them to trust you, keep attention, and get excited about what you offer.

Just talking isn’t enough.? Just being a good speaker isn’t enough. You have to speak so you get results.

How is this going to change the world??

You will feel more seen and heard so you will be more joyous, confident, and successful.?

Your personal relationships will get better. We know how that can make everything better.

Your business relationships and effectiveness will increase so you will be less stressed, will feel better, and be more successful. You will help more people.

For each person that is feeling joyous and positive, they make the world a more positive place.

One person can change a relationship. One by one we can change the world. Be that person.

Go out and have meaningful conversations. Have lots and lots of conversations. Listen with an open mind and speak so people want to listen.