How social is interaction?

Did you ever find yourself lonely in a room full of people? Happens to me all the time. Most people think I am very good at social interaction. I can talk two-hundred words per minute, take charge in new situations and don’t break a sweat to impromptu start a conversation.

Yet throw my in a room full of people without a clear correlation or purpose, other than having a good time, and I lock up. A million thoughts come to my mind: look at this dude jumping into the middle of a – to him - unknown group making some weird sound and hand gesture and it somehow works; is it me or is there something wrong with the world? An army of middle aged bald men with beards and Hawaii shirts (admittedly the them for the evening was flowers) making similar rhythmic movements with their upper body, miraculously keeping their lower body perfectly still; it looks strangely alien to me.

I admit; I grew up devoid of any social interaction. All interaction was transactional. Interaction with my parents was usually to flag their disappointment in me or they were simply angry. The only time they were proud of me was when I graduated cum laude and by then I wanted nothing to do with their pride. As long as I remember all my inadvertent social interaction was awkward and ill fitted; I say and do the wrong things, in absence of any properly nurtured empathy. As a result I typically avoid such folly altogether.

Nay, my interactions are purposeful, intentional, on the back of a role I play: subject matter expert, counsellor, running partner etc. I can speak for an audience of thousands or in front of a camera in live broadcast in general. Because I wear my role as an armour. Strip that role away and that awkward young boy is all that’s left. Smaller group sizes reduce the issue, one on one the problem oft goes away.

Sounds familiar? Always wondered if it is nature or nurture? Are you just born different? You’d be surprised how many people are “different”. The answer is in my view (as always, disclaimer, I am not a psychoanalyst or researcher; this is my view based on my personal experience only) is that it is a bit of both.

Fair to say I am above average intelligent. Fair to say I tend to overthink things. I recall winning arguments with my parents before I was ten. That too doesn’t make you very popular, by the way. If you are like that, you tend to overthink social interaction as well. Its like a game of chess: you anticipate, what he anticipates that you anticipate… ahh forget it. You look at a group of people and wonder if they are very close friends or having just met? Is their conversation intimate or casual? And before you know it you are so self-aware that addressing them becomes impossible.

I see this back in my son as well. He’s a very smart kid. The benefit I can give him is the gentle encouragement, the exposure to social interaction in a guided way, easing him into the subject and building his confidence to interact socially. For me it was quite the opposite: the interaction with me parents left me traumatised like a dog flinching at the sight of a rolled up newspaper; not exactly a good nursery for confidence building. I guess many people of my generation had a similar upbringing and while not every kid struggled with that, quite a few (sensitive and intelligent ones) did.

Contrast that with some kids, who – instead of headwind – seemed to always sail with the wind; healthy/wealthy parents, good looks and having built confidence in successful social interaction ever since they were in diapers. They move – as adults – through crowds like a hot knife through butter. Its easy to like them, as they connect people and they know how to make you feel good about yourself.

As I am rapidly approaching my half-century milestone, I do not pretend that I will suddenly make social interaction look easy. But I have found peace of mind in the acceptance of myself, the way I am, and in the loving embrace of my awkward inner little child. I no longer force myself into situations that I am not comfortable with, and if I unavoidably occasionally find myself in such a situation, I am comfortable with the fact that people around me may not be comfortable with my social awkwardness. There is no need for their discomfort to become my problem.

To me that is the sure fire way to maintaining inner peace. And, if you see me leaving your party early, don’t take it personal.