How to shift from victim to creator and why it now matters

Practice what you teach, my great-uncle always reminded me. My strong belief is that we can only genuinely guide clients if we have done our own inner work. We must be brave and delve deep, addressing all elements in our lives and taking responsibility for making a positive shift. We may not yet be able to run a marathon, but we can learn to walk.

For many years, I had been walking around without realizing that I had a victim mentality. As a strong, independent woman, I made it abundantly clear that I was not a victim or trying to be a victim. Unfortunately, this was not true. I was a victim without even knowing it. I avoided taking responsibility for how I felt due to a powerful perpetrator in my life. After learning that I had a choice, I made a commitment to focus on what I wanted to create – a shift to a creator mindset - and as a result, my life changed.

The disempowering perspective – the VICTIM mindset

When we identify as a victim, we lose power. It has a significant effect on how we act and react in our lives. The predominant expression of the victim mode is to blame. The greatest part we often don’t see as blame, but an explanation of why we are miserable, unhappy, or angry. It is simply somebody else’s fault. When we think and say, ‘that person made me angry’, ‘that person hurt my feelings’, all we are doing is giving that person credit for shaping our personal life. We completely disempower ourselves and lose our ability to respond.

Understandably, sometimes it feels good to blame somebody else or even to hate someone else to remove the blame from ourselves and alleviate a certain responsibility; but it doesn't feel good in the long term. When we're the victim, we give complete control of our lives and our emotions to other people or things (a.k.a. the villain).

The reason why we are addicted to staying in victim mode is due to something that I like to call ‘fake advantages’.

My favorite personal past examples are:

·      Attention and validation from others (a real feelgood factor!).

·      No need to step outside my comfort zone (so I don't risk rejection).

·      No responsibility (because it’s too hard to do that).

·      Being right (your ego loves this one, admit it).

The empowering perspective – the creator mindset

The Creator mindset starts with a belief that we are in charge of our lives, and, thanks to the responsibility we have taken for our own lives, we can change and adapt, making the best out of any situation. This one is a tough one right now, isn't it? We may not always be responsible for circumstances, but by taking responsibility for our actions, the power we hold will silence the negative voice(s) in our heads. This leads to positive, empowering action. Own your thoughts, feelings, actions, and develop authority to make a change.

When I step into the creator mindset, I don’t waste precious time or energy blaming and complaining. I tap into an inner state of passion, directed by intention, and focus on the desired outcome. We have the power in every single situation to ask the question: ‘What is my intention here?’, ‘How am I empowering myself or/and others this way?’

As defined by the Kapman Drama Triangle, we are much more than our personality, projections, stories, and reactive habits. Embracing this can help shift one’s intention from victim to creator, or from disempowering to empowering mode.

For example, I may not be able to change what is happening in the world today (virus, social distancing, economies falling apart) by being angry and frustrated. Because that means the only way, I can change the fact that I am angry and frustrated is that the situation changes to what I think is right. Is that realistic? Is that empowering or disempowering? I don't control the virus, and from what I understand I don't control governmental response to it. I have the ability to respond or react. And this choice is tough. Practicing this mindset right now is like clinging onto a rollercoaster.

We focus, however, on accepting the reality; we are the creators, we uphold and see the respective qualities in ourselves and others. We don’t have to pretend to be happy or live in denial. The one step we can take, is to fully embrace responsibility, shift perspective, and start to embody the fact that we – and not others - are indeed the creators of our own lives.

Self-application exercise

So, how does one go about shifting from the victim mindset to the creator mindset? If you have read this far, you have already begun the process. Simply expressed, the awareness that you have given your power away to others can change your vision of the world forever. Now you can begin to reclaim your power.

What is next?

Practice awareness through mindfulness

 Observe yourself in situations where you react or let your ‘monkey mind’ go wild. What are the elements in your life where triggers still ‘get you’ to fall into victim mode? Stay with it, don’t resist, don’t ignore. As a compassionate observer, become aware and greet it with curiosity.

Practice responding

In the moment, you might not be able to be perfect your thoughts but watch them carefully. Separate the story and the people. Remember, our thoughts create our feelings - it is not the other way around!

Challenge perceptions of reality

There are many ways to challenge our perceptions and move from the half-empty to half-full glass. Byron Katie asks four simple questions for any situation or story that creates a painful feeling:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (yes, you do ask this twice).
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Support the shift

Stay curious and patient on the journey. Rewiring your brain takes time. Establishing new habits takes time, and whether this means getting your own coach or using a peer coaching forum, you are not alone.

Set a ‘Creator Intention’

There are many books on the topic, but simple visualization meditations every morning for 21 days is a good start. What is it you would want to create? Creator intentions books, podcasts, video content from Deepak Chopra, Rhonda Byrne, Esther Hicks. Find whatever resonates with you.

Journaling

I could take time and write a whole book on the power of journaling. Journaling helps you to gain a different perspective on life, on your past and your emotions. It unlocks your creativity and supports you in making the shift.

In Conclusion

Ultimately, there are two attitudes we can take in life: the attitude of a victim, or the attitude of a creator. Empowerment is free and available to anyone and everyone; the first step is to simply decide that we are ready to be the creator of your own life. Are you?

“To be empowered—to be free, to be unlimited, to be creative, to be genius, to be divine—that is who you are…. Once you feel this way, memorize this feeling; remember this feeling. This is who you really are….” Joe Dispenza

RECOMMENDED READING

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic), Karpman, M.D., Stephen B.  karpmandramatriangle.com, Byron Katie, The WORK.