How to shift from a surviving to thriving mindset – A new model

As some of you may know, four years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 38 years whilst in an Executive role. Over time I have reflected on my journey through adversity to enable clarity on what I learnt about myself. There were many times when I felt like I was barely coping, however through conscious effort I learnt how to flourish after the fact and now I feel grateful for the experience. I designed this surviving to thriving mindset model to support others who are struggling to cope with major challenges, or trauma – it is based on the strategies I put in place in my life.?

Over the past two years we have seen the pandemic present many obstacles. Whilst circumstances have varied across the globe, the impact on people’s livelihoods, physical and mental health have triggered a raft of personal challenges. From my own experience I believe adversity can present us with the opportunity to grow dependent on our mindset, so it seems timely to share my thought leadership. My mission is to support others to flourish despite what life throws at us. We can be better off than we were before the experience if we choose to, although it is not easy to enact at times.?

I define surviving to be to continue to exist, or cope, despite hardship. To live through an experience or endure it means you have survived, however I wanted more than that for my life post having cancer. To me thriving is to flourish and prosper because of the experience.??The diagram below summarises my model which describes the six shifts required to move from a surviving to thriving mindset – they sit along a continuum rather than being an either/or. I have described each shift at a high level below.??

1. Unhelpful emotional regulation VERSUS Effective emotional regulation

Whilst experiencing adversity it is common for us to demonstrate emotional avoidance as a coping mechanism. In doing so we suppress challenging feelings which build up over time and then we can be overwhelmed and stuck, unable to control our emotions. This suppression allows us to cope in the short term, however it can keep us in survival mode for too long. When holding a thriving mindset, we find ways to effectively process and manage these challenging emotions through strategies such as mindfulness, journaling, or therapy - I found all these most beneficial.?

2. Low personal coping & an external locus of control VERSUS Strong coping self-efficacy & internal locus of control

When in survival mode we often doubt our personal coping abilities and have an external locus of control where we believe that external forces are more in control of our outcomes than we are. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and an inability to influence positive change in our life. In thriving mode, high coping self-efficacy and an internal locus of control (the belief that outcomes are primarily controlled by our own actions) empower us to make positive change. We are more likely to focus on those areas that we can effectively influence. There are always some spheres in our life we cannot alter, however part of thriving is accepting this reality and confidently directing our attention to what we can?change rather than dwelling on what we cannot.

3. Negative reappraisal through reminiscing & resenting VERSUS Positive reappraisal through reimagining

When in survival mode it is common to lament for how life was prior to our adverse experience, to focus on what we have lost and resent the hardships presented. Feeling unlucky or alone in the experience and wondering “why me?” long-term creates negative meaning making. When holding a thriving mindset we can enact positive meaning by focusing on what we have learnt from the experience whilst looking to the future with hope. Post cancer I had more courage to reimagine my life, to make constructive changes and live in a way that was better aligned to my personal values. I accepted that adversity was a part of life and became grateful for the opportunities presented. This allowed positive reappraisal and the shift towards post traumatic growth.

4. Biding time VERSUS Accepting uncertainty

Surviving through a period of adversity is often characterised by struggling through daily discomfort and uncertainty, biding time until the hardship eases. This can lead us to experience life in a constant holding pattern. When I held a thriving mindset I recognised and accepted that ambiguity was a part of daily life and came to peace with that. This allowed me to sit in the experience rather than waste energy fighting the stressful event.

5. Unconstructive social support VERSUS Constructive social support

When experiencing a period of adversity, it can be difficult to know who to talk to. I learnt that many people are unsure how to listen to uncomfortable subjects in a way that fosters constructive support. In an attempt help, it is common for others to default to reassuring you that “everything will be okay”, or “you just need be positive”. Toxic positivity can come from those who mean well, however do not have the skills to sit with us and end up shutting us down, or encouraging unhelpful thinking. When I held a thriving mindset I consciously assessed who was most helpful to provide effective support. In doing so I recognised that everyone is on their own journey, and it might not be in our best interest to disclose our experiences to some.?

6. Poor boundary setting & self-care VERSUS Prioritising boundary setting & self-care

Whilst I was in survival mode I struggled to consciously set boundaries at work and in my personal life to ensure I had sufficient energy to manage the variety of challenges being thrown my way. My wellbeing suffered through lack of sleep and exercise, limited rest and mindfulness. Thriving means we set appropriate boundaries and put our wellbeing first. This results in greater mental and physical wellbeing in the longer term. Being a workaholic and a people pleaser, I found this challenging to action.?

We know humans have the capacity to experience both trauma and growth, however the latter is only possible if we consciously choose to navigate the journey to look for the learnings.

If you scored yourself from 1-10 (1=struggling or 10=nailing it) for each element of the model, which two areas are struggling with? Consider selecting one of those and identify two small practices you could implement over the next month to shift your mindset in this area. If you are interested in inviting me to speak on this topic at your next conference, leadership program, or wellbeing session, then please get in touch.?

‘We can make sense, learn from, be grateful & reimage our life after adversity - this leads to our thriving’?Rebecca Christianson – Founder & Director of Thriving People Consulting