How to share hard personal news at work when you’d rather not

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How to share hard personal news at work when you’d rather not

By Samantha Wasserman M.A., PCC and Carrie Williams, MCC

Sharing personal hardships like?divorce, health issues, and family emergencies can make workplace conversations emotionally difficult and professionally complex. But given that our working lives are not getting shorter anytime soon, it’s not a question of?if?individuals will need to have these conversations, but?when. And navigating these conversations professionally while managing emotions and privacy requires careful thought and preparation.

Here are some strategies to help you handle sensitive discussions with confidence while maintaining personal boundaries.

1. Determine the purpose of sharing your news

Getting clear on your reasons for sharing will help you think through your message, as well as recipients, timing, and any emotions that surface along the way. Are you sharing because the company protocol requires you to? Do you feel compelled to quell office gossip before it gets out of hand? Are you sharing because you need accommodations, or are you simply seeking understanding and support??Knowing the reason for sharing helps to clarify the following next steps.

2. Decide who needs to know (and how much)

You don’t need to tell everyone at work about your situation with the same level of details. Create concentric circles of communication with your respective stakeholders.

Start with primary stakeholders, which include managers and direct supervisors (and sometimes HR). These are the people who are most directly impacted in the workplace and will need to accommodate, shift, or assume responsibility. Prioritize communicating with them first. ?

Next, you should inform your secondary stakeholders. These are colleagues, team members, and direct reports who may experience some impact. ?

The last category are tertiary stakeholders. These are co-workers, clients, and people who may notice the shifts and changes, but your circumstances are unlikely to have any impact on their situation.

It’s often best to share the information directly and personally with the primary stakeholders. But when it comes to secondary and tertiary stakeholders, you can do this ?in a group meeting or via a memo.?You can also delegate your message to a primary stakeholder when it comes to informing secondary and tertiary stakeholders. This alleviates the stress and discomfort of doing so yourself.

For example, a client on maternity leave experienced a traumatic miscarriage. She alerted her direct leader, requesting additional time off with the privacy to share the information herself when ready. Before she returned from leave, she sent an e-memo to all primary and secondary stakeholders explaining her situation and the emotional impact, while requesting sensitivity, privacy and that colleagues please not ask questions about her experience.

3. Timing and setting

Timing and environment also play crucial roles when sharing sensitive information. Consider these factors:

• Location: ?If meeting others, think about a quiet, private space where you’ll have little to no interruption or distraction.
• Timing: ?Schedule conversations when both you and your audience will have ample time to discuss and process the situation without rushing.

For example, a client was going through a divorce and shared concerns that the situation might impact his work performance. He had a private face-to-face conversation alerting his direct leader of the situation, which he scheduled for a late Friday afternoon. Together, they crafted a measured statement to share with his secondary stakeholders (his direct team) which his leader shared at the Monday morning team meeting, requesting discretion and privacy. They decided there was no need to loop in tertiary stakeholders unless circumstances change. ?

4. Prepare your ‘minimum message’

Be as clear and concise as possible when you’re sharing details by outlining your conversation points.? This way, you’ll stay focused, maintain professionalism, and maintain privacy boundaries.

A helpful framework includes the following steps:?

• Identify?the high-level situation (such as an illness or death in the family).
• Explain?how it might impact your work (such as inability to work late, or distraction).
• Request?any specific support or accommodations you’ll need (such as time off for appointments, lightening workload, extending deadlines). If you’re uncertain about what support you need, simply say, “I am unclear what my needs are and how anyone could support me right now. I will give it more thought and let you know.”
• Suggest?your proposed plan for managing responsibilities, such as a high-level plan of who might cover needed responsibilities. If you’re not ready to devise a plan or need help, ask colleagues or leaders for assistance.? In some instances, colleagues may be able to create the plan for you.
• Express?your preferred level of confidentiality, as well as how open you are to expressions of concern and support. Some find curiosity and condolences to be comforting and supportive, while others need space. Clarifying your support needs enables your colleagues to respect them, and it takes the awkward guesswork out of how they can help.

It’s not uncommon to experience sadness, anger, or even grief as a result of an unexpected crisis. Sharing difficult news can be emotionally draining. If you become emotional, allow yourself a moment to collect your thoughts and give yourself a break.?Most managers and colleagues will respond with?empathy and understanding?to your honest emotions. Using the above framework can guide you to stay focused and professional, even if emotions surface during the conversation.?

Tough times are inevitable, and personal challenges impact everyone at some point. By approaching these moments with authenticity, a simple framework, and a focus on emotional well-being, you foster a?compassionate workplace?where support flows both ways. With thoughtful preparation, even the hardest conversations become more effective and less daunting.

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