How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Jerk (Even When You’re a People-Pleaser)

Alright, folks, let’s talk about something that might make you feel all squirmy inside, like you just ate a hot pepper thinking it was a mild one. I'm talking about setting boundaries. You know, those invisible lines in the sand that say, “Hey, I’m cool with this,” or “Whoa there, partner, that’s a bit too much.”

Now, I get it. If you’re anything like me, raised on a diet of being polite, saying yes, and “always being there for others,” the idea of setting a boundary can feel like pulling teeth—your own, without anesthesia. The fear of disappointing someone, making them feel bad, or, heaven forbid, having them think you’re not a nice person? It’s almost too much to bear.

But here’s the kicker: boundaries aren’t about pushing people away or disappointing them. Nope. They’re about taking care of you, the only person you’re guaranteed to spend every second of your life with. So, let’s dive into how to set those boundaries without feeling like a jerk. Grab a cup of tea, and let’s chat.

1. Think of Boundaries Like a Cup of Tea

Now, you might think boundaries are like walls, big and solid, like those ones you see around ancient castles. But I like to think of them more like a good ol’ cup of tea. You’re not blocking anyone out; you’re just setting the terms for how you want to be served: hot and soothing, not cold and stale.

Imagine you’re at a tea party. Someone asks if you’d like sugar in your tea, and you say, “No, thank you.” You wouldn’t feel bad about that, would you? You’re just stating your preference. Well, setting a boundary is like saying, “No sugar, please,” in different areas of your life.

2. Start with the Soft Yes

Here’s the thing—people aren’t mind readers (unless you’ve got some X-Men powers I don’t know about). They need to know what’s okay and what’s not. But it doesn’t have to be a hard “no” right off the bat. Instead, try what I call the “Soft Yes.”

Let’s say a friend asks you to help them move on a Saturday. You’ve had a week so long it feels like you’ve aged ten years. Instead of diving straight into a “Sorry, can’t help,” you can say, “I’d love to help, but I really need some rest this weekend. How about I swing by for an hour to help with the heavy stuff?”

You’re still being supportive, but you’re also taking care of your own needs. It's like offering a compromise while holding onto what matters to you—your sanity and your back muscles.

3. Be Honest but Kind

Now, honesty might sound like the last thing you want when setting a boundary, but hear me out. You don’t have to go all Roy Kent on people—gruff, blunt, and filled with a few choice words. ?Instead, be like Ted Lasso: honest, but with a spoonful of kindness. .(If you don’t know Roy Kent and Ted Lasso, they are characters at the Apple TV series “Ted Lasso,” and if you haven’t seen Ted Lasso, you’re missing out---really, I mean that)

If you’re afraid someone will be disappointed, try this: “I really value our friendship, and I know you’d want me to be upfront. I’m not able to take this on right now, but I hope you understand. I’m rooting for you, always.”

This way, you’re being clear about your limits, but you’re also showing you care. You’re not slamming the door; you’re just letting them know what time it closes.

4. Remember, People Will Respect You More

Here’s a little secret no one tells you: when you set a boundary, people often respect you more, not less. Think about it—when someone is clear about what they can or can’t do, you trust them more, right? Because you know they mean what they say.

Boundaries show you respect yourself, and they give others a roadmap on how to interact with you. And if someone is truly disappointed? That’s okay. Disappointment is just a feeling, not a death sentence. People get over it just like they get over the fact that the store ran out of their favorite ice cream flavor.

5. Practice Makes Progress (Not Perfect)

Let’s be real here—you’re not gonna nail this on day one. You might set a boundary and feel guilty or even wake up in a cold sweat, wondering if you should apologize for… being a human with needs.

But that’s just the growing pains. Every time you set a boundary, you’re building a little muscle. It gets easier, and soon you’ll find yourself setting boundaries like a pro without even breaking a sweat.

6. Keep Your Eye on the Bigger Picture

At the end of the day, setting boundaries isn’t about saying “no” to others; it’s about saying “yes” to yourself. And when you do that, you’re more present, more joyful, and a heck of a lot more fun to be around.

So next time you’re faced with that sinking feeling of letting someone down, remember this: you’re not just setting a boundary; you’re setting the stage for a healthier, happier, more authentic you. And that’s something worth cheering for.

Now go out there and set those boundaries like you’re serving up cups of tea—with a smile, a little sugar (if that’s your thing), and a lot of self-love.