How To Set Boundaries

We all have different relationships. Relationships with our partners, parents, friends, children, colleagues. They are all there for different reasons but we're not taught how to set boundaries in our relationships and we're not even really taught what they are.

Boundaries are our limits. They are how we want to see and how we want to experience ourselves and other people that we're in relationships with.

There are people that we have conversations with that make us feel amazing but there are also people that we have conversations with that make us feel bad. 

Batteries versus vacuum cleaners

Batteries are people with whom you have a conversation with and it's like they charge you up. You can talk about what's going on in your life, about your vision, what their vision is, the impact you want to have on the people around you or the world, whatever it is, and when you're done, you have more energy after that conversation.

Vacuums are people who when you are finished having a conversation with them you’re drained mentally, physically and don’t feel good after hanging out with them. Sometimes we've had vacuums our entire lives and that we can’t just kick out but you want to be able to set boundaries so you can still have a relationship with them.

Maybe it’s a friend and you’ve been around for a long time, but you’re growing in different directions and they're trying to hold onto the relationship that you’ve always had, but they are not ready to step into a new kind of relationship.

You don't like the way that you feel in that relationship or the way that you show up. You also don't like the way that person shows up in the relationship. 

We're not taught how to set boundaries and this can cause extreme turmoil with someone that you love or a low-grade resistance towards somebody.

Maybe it’s your mom always calling you to give negative news because she wants to keep you safe, but it makes you feel bad. You start to resent the relationship and stop answering her calls or texting back immediately, and that makes you feel guilty. 

Boundaries for ourselves

Before we work on our boundaries with others we need to establish boundaries for ourselves and get clear on our relationship with ourselves. So many people feel like they’re losing themselves in a relationship. They feel like they're losing themselves as a parent. They feel like they don't remember who they are anymore because they've lost themselves in the process of trying to keep everyone else happy and to live up to their expectations. So often, just because someone loves us, we let them step all over us or let them intrude. We let them do things that we wouldn't let somebody that we just met do. 

Many parents give up on themselves for the relationship with their children. They lose themselves as a human, as a solo human, as a sovereign being because they're a parent. That's why so many parents have empty-nest syndrome because when their children leave, they don't know who they are anymore and they end up resenting the other person that they're in this relationship with because they've lost themselves.

You should never put somebody else above you because the better that you are as a solo, sovereign human being, the better that they are and everyone around you is because you're showing up as the best version of yourself. How could you possibly serve someone at the highest level if you are not at your own highest level?

Be aware of diminishing pieces or aspects of yourself simply because others don’t see it as acceptable. That is their issue, not yours, so try not to dim your light for others. The more that you show up as you and who you truly are as the best version of yourself, the better that you can show up for them in the world. 

There’s a person who said, “Canceling plans to read is okay.

Skipping a party for the gym is okay. Staying home to cook is okay.

Let's encourage it and respect self-love and self-respect." 

You've got to start putting yourself first because if you don't, you will end up resenting those around you when in fact, it isn't fault to begin with. There have been no boundaries set for who you are and how your relationship is with them.

Boundaries for Others: A Three-Step Process

They're important for you to become the sovereign being that you are to impact yourself at the highest level and impact others at the highest level.

Be very clear as to what it is that you want

In every single relationship that you have, you have to decide what you want remembering that different relationships have different needs.

What would it look like if you were to build the perfect relationship with someone? 

You've got to get very clear before you do anything else. Don't just go into a conversation with someone not being very clear of how you want to show up, how you want to feel, how you want them to show up and how you want them to feel.

A lot of times for the relationship to shift, you're going to have to be the first person to shift. The other person is not going to change unless you change first. You're going to have to show up differently for them to show up differently.

Communicate it

It might be hard, but it's necessary. The easiest way to do this is to take all of the blame for it if necessary.

If your mom keeps calling with negative news and that’s not working for you, you could say:

“Hey, listen, I love you. I appreciate you calling me and wanting me to be safe. I know that's why you're calling me, but I'm trying to look at the bright side of things. I'm not watching the news anymore. I'm getting away from that. Please don't call me and tell me about that."

Stay Firm

It's not going to change immediately so you need to be able to shift your patterns and become very aware of what it is that you want. Stay firm and start to teach people how to treat you. 

It just takes tough love, knowing what you want, communicating it, and staying firm.

That is how you set boundaries with people that are in your life. That's how you build beautiful relationships with them. 

Check out new episodes of The Mindset Mentor podcast every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

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