How to Sensitively Support a Grieving Co-Worker

When someone suffers a loss in the workplace, do you readily acknowledge it? Or perhaps opt not to say anything to "Give them space?" What have you done in the past that you might do differently in the future? Or if you experienced loss, how did your colleagues treat you?

This week, I explore this sensitive topic in my column, "The Communicator" in Ireland's largest circulated newspaper, The Sunday Independent. Click the link or read on below.

As you read, I hope you also reflect and perhaps share your thoughts - or losses too. We're all human and learn from others' stories. Take good care, Gina

I first met international personal stylist Fiona Doyle a few of years ago when I led a networking master class and she was teaching and running a modeling agency in Limerick. We kept in touch through LinkedIn and she updated me how she had spent the past year training and earning certificates from style academies in Boston, London, Milan and Nice, France.

We caught up over coffee this past week and I asked her what had propelled her to ambitiously seek her recent additional certifications.

“I took a year off of work due to illness and I knew I didn’t want to be someone who was just watching TV, so I immersed myself in something else.”

“What was the illness?” I asked, not anticipating her response.

“I had sepsis following the miscarriage of my twin boys,” she replied calmly. Too calmly. It was just one year ago. She knew they were twins. And she knew they were both male. There was too much beneath the surface of that seemingly simple statement. I asked if she would share more and not only did Fiona share with me, but she has graciously agreed to share with you too, kind readers.

Fiona’s story:

“I have a four-year-old son, Rían with my husband Michael. In 2018, we were blessed naturally to find out we were pregnant again and this time with twins. We thought we had struck gold.” 

 Fiona said the pregnancy seemed perfect over the next twelve weeks. â€œEverything was going fine. I was eating the right foods and putting on the right amount of weight. The consultant said they were really thriving.”

“We had only told family at this stage, but when we got the results from a test and found out they were two boys and that they were healthy at about week thirteen, I told my colleagues at work and posted a photo on a Whatsapp group of Rían holding a sign that said he wasn’t going to be an only child anymore.”

What happened next – just days later – will sadly resonate with too many.

“It was a Tuesday night and I had cramps. I woke up early Wednesday morning with chills and told (husband) Michael I felt sick, but I went to work anyway. I felt worse and rang the consultant. He said to come in immediately.”

The maternity hospital was a thirty-minute drive away. Fiona drove on her own. She began bleeding. The consultant was waiting for her at the door.

“I was taken immediately to the surgery theatre. I was in and out of consciousness and within a couple of hours I was told that one of the boys had died.”

Soon the heartbeat of the other twin stopped as well. Fiona’s body was wracked with a sepsis infection. She remained in hospital for five days. Her sister, a GP, feared Fiona would lose her life as well. Fiona survived and was advised by her employer to take a year’s leave. She busied herself in training. But she has never forgotten the twins.

While October is World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, grief is certainly not limited to a single month. In fact, statistics from the Michigan-based nonprofit, GrieveWell, show that one in four employees is grieving at any given time - not necessarily from the loss of a pregnancy or infant, of course.

GrieveWell also estimates 30 workdays are lost each year by each employee who experiences grief with no support from coworkers or managers with 20 percent of those same employees continuing to lose workdays for over a year.

Fiona offered gentle recommendations of an expression or gesture that perhaps you can demonstrate or consider the next time someone you know experiences a loss. 

1. Acknowledge.

Fiona points out that some colleagues reached out and some didn’t. â€œI am so grateful for every single person who contacted me. Even if I didn’t respond at the time, it was important to know that people took time to say or write that they cared.”

2. Share.

Fiona appreciated the women who came forward and revealed that they, too, had suffered a miscarriage. I asked if that might feel like the person was shifting focus onto themselves - but that was not how Fiona viewed it.

“Miscarriage is still a topic that isn’t talked about very much. It was comforting to know I wasn’t alone.”

3. Be sensitive.

Life goes on and other women’s baby showers were announced. Children’s birthday party invitations were extended. Fiona explained that any event which brings big groups of people together, not only the those that spotlight children’s milestones, can seem overwhelming. This doesn’t mean you need to hide parties from someone who may be grieving. But, if you’re throwing a party, perhaps you can speak privately to the person and enquire how they feel. Give them the freedom to speak and they may become comfortable enough to attend.

3. Understand healing takes time.

Appearances can be deceiving. Although Fiona posts positive stylist photos on social media to promote her business, it doesn’t mean everything is perfect. “Just because I’m strong now doesn’t mean I’m always happy. The hurt doesn’t go away.”

That said, styling training has been a sort of therapy for her. 

“The feeling I get from helping others become the best version of themselves is great."

"Life is too short. Wear your special outfit now.” 

Write to Gina in care of SundayBusiness@independent.ie or right here!

With corporate clients in five continents, Gina London is a premier communications strategy, structure and delivery expert. She is also a media analyst, author, speaker and former CNN anchor. @TheGinaLondon