How self-aggrandizement diminishes us all

I have been guilty of this; it’s how I’ve come to understand it. The need to attach our personal stamp to things which promote us, increase our fame and celebrity, get us noticed, is a great impediment, I have discovered, to integrity.

First then, integrity I’m going to soundbyteize – it is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching. The need to have people watching gets in the way of us doing ‘good’, because we put more care and effort into that which is self-promotional.

I’m suggesting that fame is extremely temporary except in only a very few cases. If one wins an Olympic gold medal, scores 100 runs at Lords, or makes more money than various other people, all we’re actually achieving is adding ourselves to a list which is bound to get longer and our place on it more diluted, as time goes on.

In ordinary life, we strive to get ‘more’ all the time; we have been conditioned to do this by the multi-generational influence of the acceptance of debt-ridden consumerist Capitalism. To get more, we must be noticed by those who we think, or hope can give us ‘more’. Thus, we have the current cult of Profilicity (which we mistake for authenticity). If we cannot make a personal gain, then pretty much, why bother?

This means we do not tend to act with integrity because we are not willing to do or say what we think is best or needed without first applying the filter of personal brand enhancement or damage.

By “good”, I don’t mean that we are each the arbiter of absolute goodness, I mean kindnesses, helpfulness, well-intentioned advice, doing things which are aimed at causing others to have a change of mind, of heart, or doing things which can be of a personal, or wider benefit. The sharing of wisdom and experiences with people who may be in a muddle, or on a harmful path.

Ripples

I have come to call this “ripples”, and these ripples emanate from us. We leak them into the world, and they can be helpful, harmful, or benign. They are effectively timeless, and limitless. They reach people we will never know, and who will never know us. Ripples can reach across centuries and millennia – if we don’t exterminate our species, and currently, we are going to, this will continue into a future we cannot imagine. The effect we have in the world, within humanity, and on the planet, is however large or small, never-ending. I suggest we should all be mindful of this.

By way of example, one of the things I ‘do’ is to provide financial counselling/ coaching for an EAP provider. I do get paid, but not much, and not as often as I’d like. I help people to control of their financial situations, their spending, how they orientate themselves toward the overwhelming omnipresence of consumerist marketing, how they feel and think about themselves, and toward a more controlled, deliberate, and stable financial future. I get to use both my psychological training and my training and vast experience in financial services. I love it. I know that I can’t be on the shoulder of my clients helping them with every decision, but I also know that I have sent out a ripple of ‘good’ into the world which might endure as family wisdom for generations.

The point is, I am not attached to the outcome. I don’t do it for fame or self-advancement. I Have helped many people in many ways, particularly since I got sober 11+ years ago, and studied psychology, latterly philosophy. I do this quietly, privately. Sometimes I get paid, others I don’t. I know I’m blessed to have that choice.

Unconditional Positive Regard

This is a Tenet from my training in counselling psychology, it comes from the Humanist orientation, a Rogerian approach. I know I can get a bit ‘testy’ about some issues, and in the recent past I’ve got this wrong; I have alienated people when I should have spent more time and care with trying to communicate more effectively – I’m learning, I’m trying to improve. In therapy, in a more formal setting, the position of regarding everyone with “unconditional positive regard” comes naturally (once trained). It is extremely useful, I have found, in all public and private encounters.

For example, there are people, most people, almost all people in fact, who mindlessly use up finite Earthly resources and do harm to the climate. They hop on and off planes, ‘don’t care. They eat as much meat and dairy as they like, ‘don’t care. They will go on cruises… there are so many ways people are causing the Earth to become uninhabitable for humans, and they don’t care. BUT is it REALLY true that they don’t care? Haranguing them in an adversarial and embittered way is certainly not going to make them think, and make different choices – so what could be a better way?

Binary opposition, and ‘automatic’ unthoughtful bias-driven judgement is normal... It’s incredibly harmful and destructive. ‘The Patriarchy’ is not to blame for everything, neither is Capitalism nor Socialism. People do not set out to be hateful and hurtful, they have their reasons. Finding a way to understand these reasons, and to engage in a way that shows some understanding is far more powerful have chuck verbal, or actual, rocks at each other.

Presentism is particularly pernicious to all of this; judging the actions and thinking of others either in the past or the way they think now. We can say that some things were not good at a point in history, but we only think that because we have learned and changed our perspective. We can say that a mother is awful because she favours a particular child, but why does the mother do this? We are all taught to be self-obsessed about the harm everyone and everything has done to us. We are not encouraged to put much thought into the presentism and selfishness we’re applying. I suggest we might do well to change this.

Reflection is vital, self-reflection, and outward consideration. What is the best version of the truth here, we need to begin there. The truth is, we are ALL complicit. The truth is, ‘no one’ thinks “hang on, I have caused enough harm to the climate today – quick, eat some burgers, and jump on a fight to somewhere”. No, they just are not aware of the ripples they are causing, and probably they don’t feel that their individual ripple is worth considering. I think, in the spirit of unconditional positive regard, it is a good idea to try to understand this first, before engaging in a slanging match.

Here we come back to integrity. We all like to think we have integrity. Do we, when almost all of us are unthinking users of finite resources and contributors to the destruction of our species and that of thousands more? Do we, when we are mostly concerned with only putting effort into that which brings us ‘more’, of something? When we are only really concerned about our own promotion, reputation, fame and glory? What about doing or saying things which we think can have the best chance of doing some good, irrespective of any of this?

Can we un-attach ourselves from the outcomes of our work, and just do the good work, knowing that the ripples we send out are not ours to own?

Can we think past immediate opposition and try to understand how a situation looks to someone else, and understand why they think and do, as they do? Can we be more considered in our judgement of the motives of others, or the reasons behind why most people feel utterly disconnected from the ripples they send out, and the effects, good or bad, that these ripples cause?

Imagine a world where we could do this more often. The reduction in conflict, binary opposition, and with more peaceful and respectful interaction and conversation.

Imagine a world in which there was just a 10% reduction in climate harm. Just a few fewer flights with longer stays once a flight is taken. Less meat eaten, less dairy consumed, just 10%. A bit more thought put into car journeys and being efficient with them. 10% more energy efficient car/ bike/ boat purchase next time we’re buying. Etc.

Imagine a world where we were able to see ourselves as one species, and not myriad tribes, all trying to score economic points over each other…