How to Self-Advocate and Get Ahead

I love this quote from Maya Angelou “ask for what you want and be prepared to get it”.

A key theme I hear when coaching professional women is around self-advocacy, and how to ask for more in a way that is authentic. Whether it’s asking for a raise (or at least equal pay), or for career progression and work that’s aligned with our passions – asking for more just feels icky.

There is a lot of fear and anxiety that comes with asking for what we want. Many women report feeling anxious, selfish, or guilty - that they shouldn’t rock the boat, or should just be grateful for what they have. There is also a fear of rejection – what if I put myself out there and I don’t get what I need?

A lot of these feelings stem from our own self-doubt and limiting beliefs. We tend to second guess ourselves and can question our own competence and contributions, which can be further reinforced by the micro-aggressions we receive that undermine us. Related, McKinsey’s Women in the Workplace report found that women are more likely to have their competence questioned and authority undermined. The research also showed that in comparison to men at the same level, women:

• Are more burned out than men
• Take on more responsibility both at home and at work
• Are twice as likely to spend substantial time advancing DEI work outside of their core role, and are more likely to show up as allies and mentors
• Are promoted to manager at far lower rates

Other research shows that the higher the ladder we climb, the wider the gender pay gap becomes.

And so, with all these factors, it’s no wonder we avoid advocating and promoting ourselves. Research conducted by Randstad US, found that 60% of women had never negotiated their salary, and interestingly, would rather leave for another job.

In comparison, our male counterparts appear to have no qualms about asking for what they want. Well-known research found that men will apply for a role when they meet 60% of the qualification criteria, whereas women tend only apply when they meet 100% of them. This validates that we’re still playing to different rules. ?

There is a lot of work organizations need to do to support women and to remove the barriers and bias that exists, and some of that is outside of our control. But there are steps we can take individually to advocate for ourselves and for others in pursuit of gender equality and getting ahead in our careers.

Develop Self-Awareness

Those who can stand in the conviction of their greatest strengths, experiences and accomplishments, as well as understanding the habitual patterns and blindspots that get in their way, are able to see the true value they bring and tend to have more confidence and courage to go after what they want.

It is much easier to self-advocate when you know who you are and the value you bring to the table. This can be a huge benefit in your career.

As this research from HBR suggests “when we see ourselves clearly, we are more confident and more creative. We make sounder decisions, build stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively. We are better workers who get more promotions. And we’re more effective leaders with more satisfied employees and more profitable companies.”

When developing awareness, it’s important to focus on both internal awareness (how I see myself) and external awareness (how others see me) which can help provide a full picture of our strengths and development areas. The Enneagram is an amazing tool for self-awareness and transformation which can help us see the unconscious patterns and behaviors that drive and motivate us. 360-degree feedback assessments can be a tremendous resource for gaining external awareness.

Building this knowledge can be profound for building confidence, emotional intelligence, and leadership authenticity – all skills that support self-advocacy and self-promotion.

Build a Personal Board of Advisors

Hear any successful woman talk about how she got to where she is today, and she’ll most likely report having a mentor or a sponsor who helped her in her career.

Pat Mitchell, the editorial director of TEDWomen and the first female president of CNN Productions and PBS, is a huge mentoring advocate and strongly believes mentoring is one of the strategies that can close the gender gap in leadership.

Reflecting on my own experience, I too can appreciate the value a mentor can bring. As I look back at my career, I have been fortunate enough to work with many mentors and sponsors who saw my potential and gave me the opportunity to take on work and stretch assignments that helped me grow and develop. Not only that, but they sponsored me, using their voice and influence to advocate my achievements to others which advanced my career and enabled me to climb the corporate ladder. More introverted in nature and not one to sing my own praises, I don’t think I would have had the same opportunities had I not had somebody in my corner shepherding me into new experiences.

To get ahead in our careers, we must take control to proactively build a strong network of mentors, sponsors and allies who can champion us and help us unlock new opportunities. These should be a blend of personal and professional relationships who can serve as a sounding board and provide us with honest and valuable feedback. They can help us expand our networks and get us into the right meetings. They can also speak up for us when we’re not in the room, advocating for us and our achievements.

And yet research by DDI World found that few women proactively seek out mentors - perhaps for fear of rejection or because they don’t know the right mentors to ask. It’s worth noting that 71% of women in this study would accept an invitation to be a formal mentor at work if they were asked, thus the conclusion – just ask. But before rushing in to enroll people to be on your team, consider the following questions… Who would you want on your personal advisory board? Who are the people you respect and admire? Who are the people you aspire to? Who is doing a role that you’d like to be in someday? And what value could they bring to you and your career?

One role that is critical on your board of advisors is getting a sponsor. Carla Harris, a wall street Business Executive at Morgan Stanley, Chair of the National Women’s Business Council and Author (amongst other amazing accolades), suggests in her TED talk that while having a mentor is a nice to have, it’s finding a sponsor that is crucial to your career success. A sponsor actively works to advance your career and is somebody that will speak up for you. Carla outlines her advice for seeking out a sponsor through connecting and engaging with them and getting to know them. If you’re asking yourself how you might get a sponsor, check out Carla’s excellent TED talk .

Build Your Case

At a couple of points in my career, I have penned my case for a salary increase. I did my research, learning what the market rates were, and using any other data points that would support my case such as performance reviews, feedback from others, and salary ranges. Being able to write out my pitch gave me time to compile my thoughts and helped me to clearly articulate what I was asking for and why I should get it.

In other examples, when I have felt stagnant in my role or when I have wanted to stretch out, I’ve had conversations with my manager about potential new opportunities and assignments. The advance thought and planning before engaging in such discussions, helped me to prepare what I wanted to say. This process gave me the confidence to have those conversations knowing I had constructed my talking points ahead of time.

As difficult as it is, having the dialogue is important and tends not to be as scary as we first imagine. Vanessa Bohns, social psychologist, professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University, and author of the book ‘You Have More Influence Than You Think ’ suggests in her research that when asking for something, we tend to overestimate how awkward conversations will go and we feel like we’re likely to get rejected twice as much as we actually are. With this in mind, we tend to go into these meetings already feeling defeated. That’s not a good starting point. ?

Vanessa’s research suggests that we underestimate the amount of influence we actually have, and so chances are if you’ve laid out a well thought out proposal that’s backed by data, you may just get what you want. And if you don’t, well it may just open a dialogue for further exploration and an opportunity to explore the rationale behind it.

Start Practicing

In Amy Cuddy’s book ‘Presence ’ Amy shared interesting research from her colleague Lakshmi Balachandra who was studying a group of entrepreneurs pitching for money. Lakshmi wanted to know whether there were key predictors for who got the money. Her research found that those who were successful, possessed the character traits of confidence, comfort level and passionate enthusiasm – it wasn’t based on the content of the pitch.

What this research tells us is that we’re more likely to get what we want or need when we come across as confident, comfortable, passionate, and enthusiastic. The preparation in building your case beforehand is critical but there are also some practices you can experiment with to help strengthen those traits. ?

One such way is to practice Amy Cuddy’s Power Pose . A simple technique that focuses on non-verbal cues, this exercise requires changing posture to a high-power pose for 2-minutes before going into a stressful situation. ?The research suggests that doing this power pose produces testosterone and cortisol, configuring our brain to cope the best in that situation. Standing in this way can make you feel more powerful and confident. Try it the next time you’re going into a discussion or meeting where the stakes are high.

Another option is to ask those closest to you for their perspective – those who know you well and who have your best interests at heart. What thoughts and feedback could they provide to you? What would your board of advisors do or say? We tend to be our own worst critic and so having somebody else provide their perspective can help us get ahead and out of our own way.

Another strategy you could have fun with is to play a game called rejection therapy . This concept was developed by Jason Comely and now owned by Jia Jiang, where getting rejected is the purpose of the game. The hypothesis is if you can make a game out of getting rejected, you can start to overcome fear.

In his humorous TED talk “What I learned from 100 days of rejection ” Jia shares how one day he asked a stranger if he could borrow $100. Another day he asked for a burger refill. You get the picture - silly requests but his thought process was if I can start to accept these feelings and not run away at the slightest feeling of rejection, what might that open up? His findings… “how powerful you can be when you don’t hold back” and “I can fulfill my life dream just by asking”.

You don’t have to take this quite to the same extent as Jia did, but you could set yourself a challenge to ask for something once a day, increasing the stakes along the way. And the next time you feel like you’re avoiding advocating for yourself, take a lesson from Jia and lean into the discomfort - “stay engaged and don’t run”.

Be a Champion

When we don’t advocate for ourselves, we’re doing ourselves a disservice. When we don’t ask, that inner voice gets louder. Resentment starts eating at us and we continue to question our worth. ?Alexandra Carter, author of ‘Ask for More ’ says asking for what you want isn’t selfish. She says “when you teach someone how to value you, you teach him how to value all of us ”. When we advocate for ourselves, as uncomfortable as that may be, we’re setting a higher benchmark for ourselves, and paving the way for other women.

To grow in our careers and to close the gender gap, we must find ways to continue to support and champion each other, and to celebrate others’ growth and achievements. If you’re not already, consider being a sponsor or mentor for others and let’s continue to support and lift each other up.

To end with Maya Angelou’s quote my invitation to you is to “ask for what you want and be prepared to get it”. And if you don’t get what you want, know that you will have at least started the dialogue and strengthened your self-advocacy muscle along the way.

I’d love to hear what strategies you employ to advocate for yourself and others. Drop a comment below or reach out to me at [email protected] .

Emma Simpson is the founder at EmmaSimpson.com whose mission is to support professional women and allies to break through barriers and to courageously lead and thrive in the organization and beyond.?