How to see the light in the darkest hours ( or weeks )

I remember that moment vividly.

In 2001, in the middle of the night, I got an urgent call from a friend. He asked me a strange question - "Are you still planning to go study in the US?" He knew I was in the middle of preparing my MBA application.

I was in my home in Shanghai. I asked why. He just said, "Turn on your TV".

So I did. And I was staying all night watching the non-stop TV breaking news about what just happened in NYC. And I watched the second World Trade Tower collapsed in real time in full dismay. September 11th, 2001.

I don't remember how I survived the shock, even when I was just watching it from half the planet away.

A year later, I found myself standing at the UC Berkeley Haas courtyard when we took a full minute silence in the one-year ceremony. Back in 2002, US economy was still very bad then, still recovering from the now infamous dotcom bubble burst. Many people took a two-year break by sheltering-in-b-school.

Many of my MBA classmates didn't get summer internships in 2003. Some were doing unpaid internships and brought their own lunches even when the employers were household names in investment banking or financial services. A lot of US employers wouldn't consider international students - myself included - even for first round interview.

I could just throw in the towel. But quitting wasn't ( and will never be ) in my blood. Born and raised by my parents who were all first-generation college graduates from rural China, I had learned success and pursuit of happiness is always about being resourceful and resilient. I ended up getting a very well-paid MBA summer internship from a top silicon valley enterprise software company.

Fast forward. Economy came back and everything is getting better day by day. And it seemed everyone was buying more than one house here and there. Then it seemed out of nowhere things got really bad. Stock market plummeted and then Lehman Brothers gone.

Party was over. And I was affected: for the first time in my professional life, I was laid off.

Was I scared? You bet. I was married with a young kid, without much savings in the bank. And everyday I would hear about another massive laid-off just happened in just another Silicon Valley company or elsewhere. It felt different this time than Sep 11 as I was now right here, in the same country and breathing the same air, not seeing this from a TV screen.

But I was probably more angry than being scared for the first month of unemployment. I kept complaining to my friends about why this shouldn't happen to me, and blah blah blah. As if I was so entitled to this job and my job security should be 100% guaranteed, just like my money in the bank should be 100% protected by FDIC. And this mentality didn't really help me get my old job back - or any new job, at all.

One day when I was still doing this daily routine - "you know I don't think they should layoff me at all..." - to a career coach. She stopped me in mid-sentence and said something that I hadn't heard before at all - "You are not entitled to a job. You have to earn it. You are not entitled to trust. You have to earn it. You are not entitled to love. You have to earn it". It was like a lightning shining in a hot and dark summer night before the thunderstorm - it splits the sky brightly. Albeit rather short, but powerful enough to light the path forward.

I felt a little ashamed for my entitlement. But I also felt this was the best and hardest kick that I needed most. My life was changed right there, right then. Something indescribable touched my heart and soul. Never a religious person, but I left her office in a highly spiritual state of mind. And I got two very nice job offers within 3 weeks, just before Christmas.

Things got quite different now than in 2008 - it's a way more globalized world, way more people connected via the way more powerful smartphones, way more people travel or study abroad, and we expect way more from whatever we think we are entitled to.

I, however, remain thankful about my life and always count my blessings whenever there is any hiccup. I still keep and use a flip phone ( along with my smartphone ). I go camping in the woods all year long and read history books whenever I have time. I really don't need much to be happy, and I am so grateful that every night I can stay in a place with roof and four walls with my loved ones.

Because nothing new under the sun.

I can't say I predicted COVID19 would happen in 2020, or Dow could plummet 2000 points in a day and trading be halted so many times in a single week. And now the virus could be spread out so broadly and deadly in most states of the US (this is my home country now as a proud US citizen), China (the country that I was born and my parents and so many friends still live), and other countries around the world. To say I am not concerned about all of these would be incredibly wrong.

But I do live every day now as the best day of my life.

And I make best use of every day. To learn, to help, to do, to laugh - to live the life as who I was, who I am, and who I will like to be. Nothing more, nothing less. And I am even more thankful and appreciated than ever.

This is how I will get though the crisis, the third time (and most likely, not the last time) in my life.

Love to hear how you think and do during these days.

Yours sincerely,

Chief Dog Walker & Co-Dish/Bottle Washer

from San Jose branch office of Global Shelf-in-place, Inc.

April 1, 2020

( All paintings are courtesy of artist Jinsong Long who draw in 2020. With permission )