How to see a child's conversational strengths
Rebecca Rolland
Author, Speaker, Lecturer, Consultant: The Art of Talking with Children
How are the kids in your life succeeding as speakers and listeners?
Kids want to communicate,?and they want to communicate well. The urge to be heard and understood--and to hear and understand?others--is powerful. Kids even play as a way to communicate. But sometimes, we focus more on the negatives.
We might worry about a child who's shut down. Or we get frustrated when a child can't handle losing. Or we get upset when a child thinks too rigidly and has a crisis over a change in plans.
That all makes sense, especially these days, when stress and anxiety are at epidemic levels. As a fellow parent, I share many of those frustrations. But there's also a real need for the other side. That is, what is working WELL for a child?
As the summer comes to a close, I've been talking to parents and teachers about a critically important topic: seeing a child's conversational strengths. Whether you're a parent, a caregiver, a teacher, or anyone who interacts with kids, this is so important, especially at the start of the school year.?
Why focus on conversational strengths?
First, it gets children thinking about what they have to give to others. It makes them feel good about themselves, and not in an empty way, with idle praise. Instead, it lets them see, in a self-aware way, what is working well in terms of their talk.
Second, it helps them see, in a gentle way, where they have to grow. By reviewing how they interact "well" and "less well," you have the chance to give them some feedback. And, if you both engage in this exercise, you can get some feedback yourself. It's a chance to talk to each other about your relationship too.?
Exercise: Try this out.
In the next day or two, think about these questions in terms of the kids in your life.
If you have older kids or you teach older students, invite them to discuss.?
If you have younger kids, talk these questions over with your family or partner.
See what arises. Use the following as starters, or invent your own:
1--What do you feel most proud of, in how you talk and listen with others?
2--What do your friends say they like about how you interact?
3--What is something unique about you, in terms of the way you listen or talk?
4--What is an area of talking or listening where you'd like to grow?
If you have multiple kids, see if you can all talk about these questions together. You might be surprised by what comes out!
What I'm reading:
I've really been enjoying?Your Turn: How to Be an Adult?by Julie Lythcott-Haims. It's part memoir, part how-to guide for "emerging adults" (roughly ages 18-35).?
Even you have a younger child, I'd recommend it for many of its overall principles. Her points about getting comfortable with uncertainty are helpful for kids of any ages--as well as adults! As I head back into a new school year, I'm going to keep this one on my shelf.
Happy August, and please reach out with questions, comments, or thoughts!
Best,
Rebecca Rolland
Author of The Art of Talking with Children, HarperOne, 2022