How to screw up a perfectly good idea

>> A flawless display of incompetence from Halifax

This quip from Mark Twain has always delighted me.

But now a bank I deal with has managed something even more Machiavellian.

They whipped my umbrella away before any clouds even appeared.

I've had a credit card with Halifax/Bank of Scotland for many years.

Our relationship was ok - except when I tried to get information from them about anything.

For some years they sent me through a lengthy, tedious process to people in the Philippines. 

Unfortunately these well-meaning folk couldn't understand me - and vice versa. This was not their fault. It's just that they speak a sort of jumbled American-English. 

When things like this go wrong it is not the customers' fault, nor the employees' fault - it is the management's fault.

The Halifax/Bank of Scotland management, even by the tawdry standards of their trade, are outstandingly useless and obscenely overpaid. The chairman - captain of their leaky craft - gets some ￡3 million for doing - from my experience - a 100% crap job.

I'm not surprised. The Bank of Scotland is one of eight banks I have worked for over the years. Their attitude emerged when after a couple of years one of their executives told me every every single time they tested our copy we beat all our competitors.

I asked a reasonable question. "Why don't you give us all your business?

"Because you're not Scottish."

But I digress before the main story.

The other day I got the very first helpful communication I've ever had from Halifax.

They had introduced a new service for customers over 70 - free advice - all I had to do was call a new 0800 number.

Had someone competent slipped into the place without anyone noticing?

But I was quickly reassured that their incompetence still reigns supreme.

I called the number to ask why a few months ago they suddenly slashed my overdraft facility from ￡15,000 to ￡500 with no warning and seemingly no reason.

I think you'll agree that a ￡500 overdraft is about as much use as chocolate teapot.

The woman who answered was very pleasant but unable to answer my question and passed me on to someone else.

I explained my problem again, and he was just as pleasant - but still couldn't help. He said 'I'll put you through to someone else."

So I was put through to someone, who gave me the usual warning that they were dealing with a lot of calls, and there might be a delay. In fact quite a long one.

Have you ever wondered why this message is so common?

I will tell you.

It is because almost all managers in charge of communication in almost all companies are bloody useless. The numbskulls are too thick to try testing their own system.

But Halifax are way behind the pack, in the back row of the class set aside for dunces.

Anyhow I was put through to the next stop in the devil's daisy chain. Nothing at the other end of the line - not even the usual terrible music playing. I waited for 12 minutes, and gave up.

The concept of service is long forgotten in banks as a whole .

I am not surprised, I remember 40 years ago talking to my Lloyds bank manager. Lloyds had decided managers were no longer worth keeping, and he predicted everything would go wrong.

My other bank - HSBC's First Direct - seem to have some inkling of a clue. But even they seem to find it hard to grasp the concept of not wasting the customer's time.

Suppose you have a queue of confused customers outside your shop - wouldn't you try to serve them all quickly?

It's beyond the wit of these money grubbing wretches.

What's the point of what you've just read? Other than that I fancied having a good moan and am fed up of being screwed around by idiots?

It's very simple.

Try being your own customer.

Call your own number, go into your own shop, order from your own website.

I wager the person in charge of the customer help lines at Halifax has not tested the service. They probably never speak to a customer, even once.

They are busy sitting in zoom meetings about "strategy". Or maybe they wonder whose arse they must stick their nose up to get over ￡3 million a year in salary and bonuses for doing a crap job.

Personally I would say the people running things at the Halifax merit slightly less per hour than their phone answering folk.

Incidentally the top bozos at American Express, my client for some years, used to listen in on phone calls with customers. Not a bad idea to get to know the people your money comes from.

Best,

Drayton

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