How to Say ‘No’ Without Feeling Guilty

One of the shortest and simplest words in the English language causes even the most confident people stress.  

Most will steer clear of saying no because they would rather sacrifice their time, energy and money than cause conflict, awkwardness, or experience feelings of guilt.

Procrastination as we know, is one of the fundamental reasons why we fail to move forward in the achievement of our goals; but did you know that by simply avoiding something as effective as saying no, we inadvertently take on more than we should. We’re then left with someone else’s task or issue to add to our own ever increasing list of things to do.

Learning to say no takes practice, patience and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone. Something we should all do to experience a greater level of continued personal growth.

Here are some tips to help you value yourself more and in turn, by saying no, help someone else.

1. Develop a new respect for yourself - What are your personal boundaries? Maybe it’s time to revisit these and honour your commitments to yourself.  If you’ve never set any then I would recommend that you do. Once you begin to respect yourself fully, others around you will find it easy to respect you too.
2. What is most important to you? - Write it down and keep a copy with you at all times. When you know what it is that you want for yourself, it’s then easier to stop agreeing to the things that will get in the way of the achievement of your goals.
3. You can count on yourself! - Only you are truly responsible for yourself. This goes for the tasks you set yourself and those that you take on.  Saying yes to things that you really want to say no to is just a way of deferring making your own decisions.  Always remember that you are only responsible for you and your actions.
4. Ask for clarification or more information - It will buy you time and allow you to weigh up your options and more importantly, your priorities.  Valuing yourself in this way will also make it clear to the other person that you're not agreeing to their request straight away.
5. Are you investing in being nice? - If you say yes to something so that you can be the 'nice guy/girl,' then the chances are you'll follow through halfheartedly. This won't go down well with the person who asked you and you won't feel good about yourself either. Don’t be nice, be honest in your ability to carry out the new task or request.
6. Always remember that you do not have to say yes - You have the right to say no without giving a reason for your answer. You don’t have to justify or explain anything. Following up your decision to say no with some form of explanation or justification is simply there to help you feel less guilty.
7. Soften your response - Start your answer by offering a positive comment to the person, followed by your decline, followed by a suggestion for an alternative.  A popular example of this is when your boss or even a client, asks you to take on an additional piece of work which you do not have the time for, or is outside of the scope of your agreement. Response to your boss: “That sounds like an interesting project, unfortunately at the moment the sales proposal is taking up all of my time. You know, Jane might appreciate the chance to lead on this project.” Response to your client: “How important and urgent is this additional piece of work? It is something we can do for you but it is not a small job. As it’s outside of our original project scope, would you be happy for me to apply a separate invoice for X amount?”
8. Don’t take no as a personal attack - Feel comforted in the knowledge that saying no does not reject the person, it simply refuses the request. It’s nothing personal.
9. Be confident - Don't give a long explanation and don't apologise for yourself, "I'm sorry, but..." is not a good way of asserting yourself.   You’re basically removing the initial apology by following it with the word ‘but.’ If you genuinely cannot commit to saying yes, then say no, with confidence, and a new understanding and value for yourself.
10. Practice, practice, practice - It’s never easy to say no when all you want to do is help people. Well, you may actually be helping people more by saying no. Self-responsibility is a powerful driver in promoting change in an individual.  When people operate at a level of belief, in that they know what they want, they have a vision of how they are going to achieve it, and then get down to purposeful action, they are unstoppable. So, practice, practice and practice some more. Start off by saying no in the mirror. Then role play situations with your partner/friends/family and practice in your day to day life too.  Start with smaller things and then work your way up to saying no in more difficult situations.