How to Say What You Need to Say

Communication in relationships sounds like such an easy thing, right? You say things, they say things back, and everything moves forward. Easy! But not really. In my experience working with hundreds of clients, it definitely is much easier said than done most of the time. This is true in all kinds of relationships. Not just romantic, but in parenting, and relationships with family, partners, coworkers, and friends.

I hear all kinds of excuses (I mean reasons J) that people have for not being authentic in their communication. The top ones that I hear most of the time are “I don’t want to hurt their feelings,” “I don’t like conflict” and “I’m scared I won’t be understood.”

I totally understand all of these reasons, and I have grown and am still growing myself in my ability to do this in all the relationships I have in my life, so I can definitely relate. It can feel hard, scary, vulnerable and risky to be all the way real with the people in our lives.

So let’s break these reasons down into how they get developed, when they get triggered and block us from speaking our truth, and most importantly, how to break through these old patterns of suppressing our truth.

“I don’t want to hurt their feelings”

So this sounds so nice, right? The story people tell themselves is that they are soooo nice that they are protecting the people in their lives from being sad or disappointed by not expressing themselves honestly.

This pattern generally begins from childhood experiences of needing to take care of a parent emotionally, or having an emotionally volatile parent that they needed to “walk on eggshells” around.

For empathic sensitive people this doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything big or overt like yelling or crying. Sensitive people can feel their parent’s emotions even if they try to hide them. We tend to feel responsible for everyone’s feelings, even our parents. If the parent feels sad or angry or frustrated, the empathic person tends to both think it’s their fault, and then try to fix it either consciously or unconsciously.

This old pattern can be triggered in all relationships in adult life. Anytime you don’t say how you feel in order to protect someone’s feelings at work, in friendships, family, and partnership relationships. This is really just an inaccurate projection of how you think the other person will feel. It is not true, and you don’t have to listen to it.

To challenge this old pattern, it’s first important to increase your awareness of your own feelings so that you can express them. Growing up feeling your parents unexpressed emotions can lead to not being able to feel your own feelings because you are too preoccupied trying to take care of theirs instead.

Take some time every day to connect with how you really feel in order to strengthen this muscle. It can be much easier to know how you feel at first when you are by yourself and there aren’t anyone else’s feelings around to get your little empathetic heart confused. Practicing this all the time will help make it easier for you to connect with your true feelings when you are a in a perceived “conflict situation.”

Then you can start expressing yourself in small ways. Maybe finally telling your partner that you prefer spinach to kale for example. Or asking a coworker to turn their (super loud annoying) music down just a little bit. Or letting your sister know that you would really love if she could come over on Tuesdays instead of Thursdays.

These sound like easy small things, but they can feel really hard to someone that has had a lifetime of not expressing themselves. Starting with their small easier examples will help you build confidence and make the bigger conversations easier.

There is nothing to lose and nothing to be scared of. Fear is an illusion, you are always safe, loved and protected.

“I don’t like conflict”

I mean who does, really? No conscious person really enjoys being in a conflictual situation. Especially empathic sensitive people. Our nervous systems are more sensitive than others, so something that feels like a big conflict to an empathic person may not feel that way at all to someone less sensitive to feelings and energy.

When someone is born empathic, and then grows up in an environment where there is some (or a lot) of conflict or chaos, the part of our brain that is responsible for alerting us to danger actually enlarges. This creates even more hypersensitivity in an individual, who then gets more easily emotionally triggered.

They can tend to interpret any disagreement, side-eye, or heavy sigh as a “conflict” when it is really just a conversation or discussion that needs to be had in order to get their own needs met. This feeling is so uncomfortable they tend to avoid it at all costs, to the detriment of their own feelings and needs.

The problem is, things in the relationship become very out of balance, where one person is doing all the compromising because this whole “conflict” idea is so terrifying to them.

To begin working through this fear it will help to work on your mindfulness all the time. Practice wiggling your toes and feeling your feet in your shoes. Practice slow mindful breathing for one minute each hour. Take a mindful walk every day, releasing thoughts when they arise and bringing your attention back to the sights and sounds of the moment.

Practicing techniques to stay in your body the majority of the time will help you stay out of your fear based mind more when you are in a perceived emotionally charged discussion or “conflict.” Use these techniques even more right before and during a discussion with someone, in order to stay grounded in your body and out of fear thoughts that trigger the fight or flight response in your nervous system.

Remind yourself that you are safe, discussions don’t necessarily mean there is a conflict, and everything will be just fine. You are an adult with feelings and needs that you are responsible to express.

“They won’t understand me anyway”

This fear is super common and can be conscious or unconscious. This usually originates from a childhood experience in which a person did not feel heard or understood by one or both of their parents.

A child usually keeps trying for a while to express themselves and then usually pretty early on learns the subtle or direct cues that let them know that their feelings aren’t being heard. At some point, sometimes very early, children learn that being quiet is easier than the feeling of disappointment that happens when they are vulnerable but not understood.

It feels painful to have this experience, especially for a sensitive and empathic soul. It’s easier to shut down, sometimes forever, than to risk this pain again.

This fear can be triggered when people have something to say that is important to them, that they really want to be understood about.

To change this pattern, working on self-validation can be very powerful. Working on validating your own feelings internally can help you build up the strength you need to eventually express yourself to the important people in your life.

Then, remind yourself that you are going to be ok even if that person doesn’t understand you perfectly the first time. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, and your feelings are still valid even if the other person doesn’t get it in the way you intended.

Let go of any expectations of being understood, and know that just expressing your own feelings is the best outcome you could hope for. It reduces stress and anxiety, and releases all of that built up old toxic energy into the universe to be recycled.

Speaking your truth helps bring you closer to joy and your purpose. It helps you to evolve in your consciousness and ascend towards who you truly are. It allows for more space for beautiful loving energy to fill you up and help you and the rest of humanity to continue to evolve.

You are safe, you are loved and you can do it!

Shana Olmstead, Intuitive Consultant

I see my life purpose as helping people to awaken to the truth of their divine nature, the powerful spiritual beings that they are. I have assisted hundreds of clients in my therapy practice to wake up to the understanding that we are all made of source energy, and are here to increase our consciousness and joy to help the evolution everyone on the planet. I am so excited and inspired to continue helping people through their own awakening! Contact me to schedule an appointment in person in Kirkland, Washington  or for a phone or video consultation wherever you are located.