How to say NO (well)

Over the years I’ve coached hundreds of people who are wrestling with overwork. And as a recovering workaholic myself, I identify with most of their challenges.

The biggest challenge that comes up more frequently than any other?

How to say no, without harming reputation or relationships.

It’s really difficult. We are (rightly) trained to have a can-do attitude, of kind, selfless, helpfulness.? We HATE the idea of being Carol - the receptionist from Little Britain’s famous Computer says no sketches.

But we also know that saying YES to everything takes us on a dangerous path to burnout.

I have a tendency to be a people-pleaser. So being discerning about what I say yes to, is critical for my well being and my productivity.??

When I mastered the art of saying no well, it changed my work life AND my home life.

The better we get at saying no, the more we get to say YES to what really matters to us, opening up the ability to create the career and life that we actually want, rather than one that is happening to us.

Here are our three keys to saying NO well.

1. Know your priorities

For most of us, getting organised is a silver bullet for feeling in control and positive about a heavy workload.? The classic trap of the overwhelmed person comes from believing there’s no time to plan and organise.? This quickly leads to stress: I’ve been there.??

When we’re just mindlessly fighting through the fog of hundreds of tasks there’s a sense that everything is both important and urgent.? And this is when it’s much harder to say no.? In fact, conversations about new pieces of work can feel like a welcome distraction from the panic of working alone with an impossible number of things to do.

In contrast, clarity about genuine priorities creates focus and calm.? And it helps us to say no to things that are not a priority.

We often struggle to say no when we don’t know exactly what our priorities are, so we need to figure out our ‘YES’. These are the things that are non-negotiable, the things that when you look at your life as a whole, take priority.?

However, your YES LIST might be shorter depending on where you are in your life. If you’re in your early twenties and your main priority is discovering, learning, growing then you might not have figured out everything that will be on your YES LIST in years to come. Or you might realise that you know exactly where you find your joy and what your priorities are and you simply need to find your balance (which may involve saying no more than saying yes!).?

Your YES LIST may also be different at different times of the year.? For example, if you have children, your YES LIST might be different during the school holidays and it’s important that you apply these different boundaries as you move through the year.

The point is that your YES LIST is personal and often very contextual. Be honest with yourself about where exactly you are in your life right now and what is most important to you.

Once you have your YES LIST make sure you have regular reminders of what’s on the list - so you start to internalise the importance of preserving these things.? I like to write post-it notes that I stick to my desk of the thing(s) that matters most to me that day or week, so I am reminded regularly.

2. Create a script for saying no - what do you feel comfortable saying?

It can be hard to say a clear ‘NO’.? It can seem harsh or intense.?

And that’s OK, because there are other ways we can say no without using that word - but still deliver a clear and mindful message.

Here are some examples for you to explore …

• ‘Thank you so much for thinking of me.? I’m very focused on X, Y, Z so I don’t have the bandwidth now.’ This leaves the option to have a deeper conversation about timeline and priorities. And the ‘now’ softens the message - it’s not ‘no, not ever’.
• ‘Thanks for sharing, but this isn’t a good fit with my priorities’. This feels more like a simple ‘no’, but it communicates you have other priorities in a very clear way.
• ‘I've given this some thought and I’m interested in what you’re doing but I have to pass because I’m invested in X, Y, Z at the moment’.? This shows you’ve taken their request seriously and replied to it in a thoughtful way and leaves the door open for more conversation.

And the mother of all ‘No’s’ (thank you Bronwyn Saglimbeni (Wormell) for this clarity):-

• ‘That doesn’t work for me.’? And before you wince, recognise this is completely tone dependent, so you are in control of the impact you create.? It doesn’t offer unnecessary justification and can be warm or cold depending on how you want to come across.

The trick is to practice, practice, practice.? As with any new approach this can be difficult to start, but will get easier with every repetition. You can even practice standing in front of a mirror and saying your chosen phrase out loud. Make it muscle memory and it’ll feel much more natural in the moment.

So, when someone asks you for something, instead of immediately responding, practice saying ‘I’m going to give this some thought and get back to you’.? No need to keep them hanging for long, but just injecting a gap between the request and your response will help you get clear on what you want to say and how you want to say it.? It’s always good to create space - and not everything requires an immediate answer.

3. Notice the reactions to your no - Are you paying attention to the subtext?

We can never truly know what is going on in someone else’s head. The motivation behind an ask is often different to how it appears. So it’s important to pay attention to how the other person responds to your ‘no’.? This could always open up a conversation about why they asked you in the first place and what you could do to reach a solution that works for both of you.?

I had a situation a few years ago where a colleague invited me to join in on a weekly two hour meeting that would recur for ten weeks.? It was on a topic I thought didn’t concern me and I didn’t understand why I was needed. I declined the invite but his PA came back insistent that I was needed. So I chose a quiet moment to ask my colleague why.? It turned out I was invited because my attendance would give a seal of approval that could help them achieve buy-in from others. Once I understood this we were able to come to a solution that met both our needs - they got the support and endorsement for their project (which I was very happy to provide) and I got 20 hours back. Saying a simple yes or no in this instance wouldn’t have been good for either of us.?

Moral of the story, sometimes it’s good to dig.

However, there are situations where the other person’s response to your ‘no’ can show a red flag. For example, if they start to guilt or shame you into a ‘yes’, take heed.? You’ve done the right thing and to continue ‘digging’ will take more of your precious time and energy away from your priorities.?

Moral of the story, sometimes we need to stop digging.

If you’re struggling with saying no I hope these tips help you in practising this crucial skill. It’s not always easy to say no well - in a way that doesn’t shut down communication or harm our reputation or relationships.? So we’d love to offer you a free guide on how to ‘Just Say It’ which includes 2 of our favourite, super practical communication tools.

At Nkuzi Change we unlock the potential of Middle Leaders through coaching that is focused, directed, inclusive and scalable - so organisations and individuals can thrive.

If you’re interested in knowing more, I’d love to hear from you!

If we’re not already connected on LinkedIn find me here Kate Franklin and please connect with my co founder Elise Finn

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