How to Say 'No' to Stakeholders Really Well

Many of my clients must say no on a regular basis for important reasons. They need to protect their time, they need to protect their team from randomization, they need to protect their energy so they can do their job well.

Although saying "no" is a critical feature of a well-lived life and career, most people do not know how to say "no" well.

Yes, there is a correct way to say "no". It has been studied by Harvard-educated author William Ury and has a specific framework.

In order to say "no" well, you must first say yes, then no, then yes again. Ury calls this the 'positive No'.

The Positive No = Yes + No + Yes

Let me explain.

Counterintuitively, your 'positive No' must start with a yes. This "yes" is an affirmation of values, whether it be the worth of the thing you're selling or, in a more casual setting, the value of the person you are.

Additionally, it explains to the other person why you are saying no and confirms your fundamental objective.

It's critical to state your objective up front because doing so reduces the anxiety associated with disappointing someone.

And making it clear why you're saying no makes it evident that you're not rejecting the individual; rather, you're just advocating for yourself.

You must state your "yes" graciously and clearly in order for your "no" to be effective.

Only after your first "yes" should you then state your "no", which is the boundary that you have set out to establish.

For example, if you are an engineering manager with a fully stretched team that cannot take on any more initiatives, you might say to your stakeholders:

Yes: Like you all, I value team productivity and product quality.

No: So, I need to limit our number of projects.

Yes: But let's work together to make sure that we are aligned on the prioritization of the projects that matter most.

Notice that the "no" is buffered by two "yes" statements. Although "no" can seem like a rejection, it is buffered by the two "yes" statements that allow the "no" to be delivered in a way that keeps the relationship intact and continues the conversation.

Although your 'positive No' should be unequivocal, the discussion shouldn't end there. Not only are you attempting to express your requirements, but you're also attempting to get the other person to concur.

What can you then do to help them accept your 'no'?

The other person is more likely to accept your no if you offer a workable alternative that accommodates everyone's needs.

You are actually making your no stronger by closing one door and opening another, as if to say, "This road is definitely closed, but there's another option that would be better for both of us."

By presenting an alternative route, you demonstrate to the other person that you value their requirements and are prepared to go the extra mile to meet them.

The 'positive No' is rooted in showing respect for the other party throughout the boundary-setting process. It allows you to set boundaries without harming the relationship, which is oftentimes the main reason people have a hard time saying "no".

William Ury refers to this as "the three-A trap" since it describes how most people often respond by saying no, either as an accommodation, an attack or out of avoidance. These "no's" are motivated by guilt, fear, or anger.

But for your "no" to be constructive, it must originate from a more proactive, forward-thinking, and intentional place. So the next time you're about to say no, pause and consider what you truly want, what matters to you the most, and why.

Although saying "no" is a clear indication of what you do not want, it is ultimately driven by what you do want.

Let's say a friend visits and requests to smoke in your living room. Because you dislike the scent and are concerned about the purity of the air, it's possible that you don't want anyone to smoke in your home. The same is true for every circumstance you desire to refuse.

Therefore, the next time you have to say it, consider what you are attempting to establish, safeguard, or change. Consider your needs, wants, and values to determine what is most important to you.