How to say ‘No’ to something that you don’t want to do

‘No’ is one of the shortest words in the English language but one of the hardest to say. If you want to live a happy life, it seems/is inevitable to learn how to say ‘No’ and decline another person’s request with confidence and strength/conviction.

You probably have had situations when you were asked to do something for another person, and you said ‘Yes’ although you really didn’t want to do it. What did you feel when that happened? Frustration and anger towards yourself for not having said what you really meant? Resentment towards the other person for ‘making you’ do something that you didn’t want to do? Or defeat because, once again, you didn’t manage to stand your ground and speak your truth?

If you are anything like me, there comes a point when enough is enough and you just have to change the way how you express YOUR true opinions, wants, and needs.

Are you not sure yet if or why it is a good thing to learn to say ‘No’? Let me share just a few benefits with you. Whenever you say ‘No’ or something that expresses your refusal feels you will very likely experience…

• A sense of freedom: You free yourself from the ‘burden’ of needing to fulfill other people’s needs before your own. You are no longer a ‘victim’ of your conditioning that told you to always be kind to other people and never let them down. Standing your ground and setting a boundary for YOU can be a very freeing act of kindness toward yourself.
• Empowerment: Speaking your truth is one of the most empowering things you can ever do for yourself. It’s an act of taking control over your life and establishing for yourself and others what works for you and what doesn’t. You’re in control of your life – show it by saying ‘No’ when it’s the right answer for you!
• Self-respect: When you start honoring your inner sense and knowing of what’s right and good for you and what is not, and you speak your truth, you are sending messages to yourself and your environment that you are worthy of making yourself heard and sharing YOUR point of view, YOUR wants or needs. It’s a clear sign of you respecting yourself and living by your values.

There are more benefits to speaking your truth, but for now, let’s get practical now and look at how to say ‘No’ well without coming across as aggressive or confrontational but also not too soft. Here are a few things you can do to say ‘No’ with greater clarity, respect, and strength:

1.    Take a deep breath!

It will help you to be grounded and centered BEFORE you respond. Controlled, deep breathing and other relaxation techniques are actually something you may want to practice ongoingly. It will help you respond more calmly whenever you are in a challenging situation, not only when it’s about saying ‘No’.

2.    Choose neutral, non-aggressive, and personal ways of expressing the ‘No’.

When you speak in a non-confrontational manner and make your statement personal (‘I’ statement), chances are that it will be received with greater openness than if you were to show up aggressive or blameful towards the other party.

Also, other people can never argue with your feelings. The way you feel is something so personal that it’s not up for discussion.

So, for example, you could say something along the lines of:

• I don’t think this works for me, or I don’t think I want to do this.
• I appreciate that you ask me, but I have too much on my plate right now.
• I feel uncomfortable taking this on right now. It doesn’t feel like a fit for me.

Do your best to stay personal and neutral!

3.    Be brief, honest, and firm - don't apologize or defend yourself!

Many people tend to ramble and defend themselves or apologize when they feel uncomfortable, just like in a situation where they want to say ‘No’. When you do that, you inadvertently open up the door for the other person to find something in your slew of words that they can challenge or argue with. And that’s the last thing you want in this situation. So, stay concise, short, and solid in your voice and body language.

And if you need to really get your point across, being firm and candid may be the best thing to do. For example, when someone asks you for your phone number and you do not want to give it you could say:

• I’m not interested.
• Not in a million years!
• No chance!

4.    Buy yourself some time

If you can’t get yourself to say ‘No’ right there and then, let the other person know that you want to sleep over it. Say “Let me think about it! I’ll get back to you tomorrow” to buy yourself some extra time. It will give you a chance to clarify what feels right for you, solidify your resolve, and prepare yourself for giving your honest answer in a polite but candid way.

5.    Offer something that you can say ‘Yes’ to

In some situations, it may feel good and right to you to say ‘No’ to the thing you are asked about, while you also genuinely want to offer the other person something that is related to their question.

Examples:

• If you are asked to help your friends paint their new apartment for the whole weekend, you could offer to help them for a couple of hours on one of the days.
• Or, if the thing you are saying ‘No’ to right now can work for you later on you can say so: “Listen, I’m unable to help you with this right now, but what I can do is to block off some time for it in a month or so.”

Bonus tip:

If you have a hard time saying ‘No’ to other people enlist them to support you in saying ‘No’.

Example: If you have firmly committed to taking time for yourself every night and a friend asks you to come over for a movie night, you could say: “Thanks so much for the invite! You know how much I enjoy our time together. In this case, however, I need your support. I have committed to taking time for myself every night and I would really appreciate it if you were to support me in my efforts by not pushing me into coming over but understanding my need for time alone and supporting me in my commitment to myself. That would mean a lot to me.”

Something along these lines can be an effective way of turning your friend’s request of you in to your request of him/her, and you don’t even have to say ‘No’! Note: It ONLY works if you are sincere in what you ask their support for and if it is the real reason for you to decline their request. When you sincerely and genuinely ask for their support, they may actually feel elevated and honored to be able to support you, and willing to let their request of you go.

So, how are these tips landing with you? Is there at least one suggestion that you can and are willing to try out? Or do you need some support with cranking up your inner resolve to honor yourself and learning some new techniques? If you have any questions or comments, add them to my post or send me a direct message.

Also, please know that I would be excited to help you develop the inner strength and skills to stand your ground whatever the situation. If that is of interest let’s explore if we are a fit to actually work together”

1. Apply for a complimentary, no-obligation Clarity Session at https://cleardirections.ca/clarity-session
2. Request an info call about my upcoming Small-Group Coaching Program “Learn how to speak up for yourself!” Monika@ClearDirections.ca

Here's to your success with saying 'No' and enjoying your strength!