How To Say NO ?But Make Them Feel Good About It

Hello, this is Mazen, Welcome to the Maximal Life.

Ever had a friend want to catch up over drinks in the evening, but you already promised to pick up your daughter from class and share an ice cream with her on the way back? You just want to spend some time with your daughter and get some ice cream with no interruptions. She will never be eight years and 13 days old again, ever.

Or how about that guy on the team who always tried to secretly schedule a real meeting between the real team to discuss something that you feel was already covered in the first meeting, and it’s actually quite superfluous? You know the second meeting is going to drag you away from what’s important just so they can feel important. But, you don’t want to appear rude or short with that guy. 

So who will you say “no” to? Your associate or your daughter? And how will you say “no” to the second meeting guy without sounding disinterested or rude? This is what today’s episode is all about. The necessity, but also the difficulty of saying the one simple, single syllable, “No.” There are also times when you are so flattered by requests that you don’t want to say “no,” but in your heart of hearts, you also know that you will regret it later. It is something of a quandary, isn’t it? Who will you say “no” to? Perhaps, more importantly, how will you say “no”?

When you say “yes” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “no” to yourself.

So when I say that saying “no” is actually a good thing, don’t just take my word for it. I remember reading about the art of saying no, about the startling conclusions reached by researchers at the University of California. It got me thinking, and the more I thought, the more I realized that my experience taught me the same things. Researchers found that those who had difficulty saying “no” to others were the most likely to be stressed, burned out, and even depressed. Saying “no” is obviously difficult. We want to please people, we want to be wanted. If we can, we would rather help others than not.

Even when we do muster the gumption to turn down requests, we do so with a can’t, rather than a won’t. In other words, we equivocate, offer excuses to try to explain our behavior out of a misguided guilt or simply because we’re well brought up and we want to be polite and courteous. But just look at how remarkable refusal strategies can be. How the way we say “no” can either leave us feeling powerless, or empowered. This again is born out by an eye-opening consumer research study. Researchers found that the way we say “no” can also be empowering and can motivate goal-directed behavior. If you’re able to say no, and not follow it up with an apology or explanation, if you are more assertive you will feel less stressed, less burdened by, and yes, less guilty about saying “no.’

Only by saying “no” to the unimportant can you concentrate on the things that matter.

There is this rather funny story I want to share with you, which perfectly illustrates the point I’m trying to make. It’s a famous anecdote involving economist John Galbraith and President Lyndon Johnson, which some of you maybe already heard about. The president called up Galbraith’s home one say when Galbraith was napping. Since Galbraith had told his housekeeper that he was not to be disturbed, she relayed the same to the president of the country, who wanted her to wake him up. “I’m sorry, Mr. President, but I work for Mr. Galbraith, not for you,” were her words. Direct, simply, effective, and at least reasonably polite. The anecdote doesn’t end there. Later the president expressed the desire to know about the person who had turned him down so emphatically and expressed the desire to engage her. “I want her working for me,” said the president. Not surprising, I’d say.

I was no different from a lot of people out there when it comes to saying “no.” When I was shopping, I would feel pressured and feel stressed by the persistent sales people on the floor. If I had tried out a few things, I would then feel pressured to make a purchase when I was under no obligation to. It was the same with colleagues who would sometimes want me to pick up the slack when they had been either unable or unwilling to complete a task. I was flattered to be asked, and I wanted to help, so I would say “yes.” However, this was an emotional response, where at a cerebral level, I knew I should’ve and ought to say “no.” I wanted to say “no.” The truth was, I was hesitant to say no, because for too long I had been told that saying “no” is rude and selfish. Because of this social conditioning, I was unable to say “no” and also felt guilty about it, until I realized that by saying “yes” to things I did not want to, I was saying “no” to the things that were important to me.

The realization did dawn that learning to say “no” is about self care. I realized that by saying no, I was not becoming any less important or desirable to people. I was simply valuing myself more. I came to recognize that I was pleasing others and the cost of my own emotional well being. So I worked up the will to start saying “no.” At first it was the guy who badgered me to buy magazine subscription, or the store clerk who wanted me to get store credit. I started with strangers, then I went on to muster the gumption to say “no” to demanding push acquaintances and colleagues. I then worked up my way up to saying “no” whenever it mattered. Even to people who were not used to hearing “no.” I learned to evaluate personal situations and found that here as well, setting boundaries helped build mutual respect and let me honor myself and also invest in my own space of mind.

I realize that a kind “no” creates time for a “hell yes.” You have more time for the things that get you all buzzed up and raring to go. That get your creative juices flowing. That get you charged up, that get you excited and take you closer to your long term goals. It’s essential to say “no” to things, people, situations that don’t add value or take you away from which matters most.

Simplify your life, gain better focus by learning to say “no.”

As I researched and worked on effective way to say no, I came across an interesting study that made me think about how assertiveness, a vital component in the art of saying “no.” This study made me take a fresh look at the concept of assertiveness. It turns out, we may think of ourselves as being much more assertive than we actually are. You can see yourself as over assertive, even confrontational. But the other person likely does not see you that way.

There is yet another reason why we do not say no, even when it matters. Many times saying “yes” is about instant gratification, about FOMO or the fear of missing out. It’s human nature to do what is instantly satisfying and instead of visualizing the consequences of that decision in the longer term. For instance if I say yes to an evening party invite today, is this a good idea considering that I have a presentation tomorrow, when I need to be alert and clear headed?

“No” is not disrespectful to others. It is about self-respect. A kind” no” creates time for a hell yes.

When you are tempted to saying “yes,” think of what that “yes” will prevent you from doing. The amount of time, energy and effort it will need you to invest, and the other things that it will prevent you from getting done. Some experts recommend sleeping on it. If you’re not sure whether to say “yes” or no, ask for a day to think things over. This is not indecisiveness. This will help clarify and prioritize things for you. It will help you assess what kind of resource investment this means and will also give you the time to come up with the best way to say “no.”

It is best to have some practice in saying “no.” Start small as I did. Maybe the check out clerk offering store credit or that pushy bank manager selling an investment. Remember, you’re saying “no” to a request not a person. Internalize this and you will find it easier to say “no.” Now crank it up to a business associate who seems to want to ask for favors or seems to be asking for a free ride or for something that he ought to be paying for. Sure, it makes sense to do a favor for someone now and then. This could have a future payoff. But will it really? Consider this, you do not want to earn a short term popularity at the cost of long term respect.

If there is a needy friend who seems to think they are entitled to your indulgence, you may want to create some boundaries here as well. There is a difference between being a supportive friend and a friend who’s taken advantage of. Remember, when you respect yourself enough to say no, this garners respect of the person as well, the other business associate, your friends, significant other, or even your child.

Now that you’ve decided to say no, make sure that you get the message across clearly in a way that your “no” cannot be misconstrued as a later or a maybe. Always be polite. But be clear as well. If the relationship warrants it, offer an explanation or a reason. Some relationships warrant gentler, more loving handling. Some colleagues or acquaintances may not be entitled to the same level of care. Don’t feel compelled to explain or apologize for saying “no” or for refusing to do what someone is asking of you.

In some circumstances it may be prudent to qualify a “no” with a future “yes,” or an alternative. For instance, if you were unable to fit in a meeting requested by a business associate because of a personal commitment or simply because you think it’s not necessary, reschedule the meeting or offer to rework some details or numbers.

Here’s another example: say “no” to a long phone conversation, and instead suggest exchange or emails that you can get into your own time. I find that this saves me a lot of time on daily basis. None of us want a “no” to sound like a rejection. So be gentle, be positive, even as you say “no.” To the colleagues that ask for guidance, suggest a good alternative. Self-help resource. To the needy friend who wants to sit and chat for hours, submit a brisk walk or a bike ride together where you can work out a few things to gain clarity. To the employee who constantly asks for your time and help, suggest an intensive for taking initiative and displaying greater self-reliance.

No is a complete sentence.

Resolve today to make more time for yourself by the simple act of learning to say no, politically but unambiguously. Remember, it’s okay to feel good about being asked for help, feeling valued and admired. It is just as important to value and respect yourself and your own time as well. It’s just as important to do what you have to, and to fill your own life with that which matters most to you.

Decide to say “no” on at least two occasions today. When you would have otherwise said an unwilling “yes” out of respect, courtesy, fear or whatever other sentiment. Carve out that extra time for what matters more to you. Trust me, you will love the feeling. Thanks for joining me today. Every kind “no” creates time for a “Hell yes.” Make the most of your time and energy resources. What will your “Hell yes” be today? Make it a good one. Let it lead you into your Maximal Life.

MAXIMAL YOU MAXIMAL LIFE?

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