How to Say 'no' this Holiday Season

My trainer said this morning, she didn't want to go home for Christmas. She had just been home for Thanksgiving. She was concerned about being at a large family gathering, given how things have escalated in the last 48 hours with Omicron. She's always been an outspoken person. But how can she say? "I won't be home for Christmas" to her mom and do it with grace and compassion? Back by demand, sharing my list of scripts to use this holiday:

?? Be okay with the decision. My trainer has a young daughter. Gathering in large groups and potentially catching the virus isn't a risk she wants to take. She sees clients 6 days a week and gets so few days off. She would love to use the holiday to rest and recharge. Her daughter is a teenager. She will be off to college in 2 years. Could this be valuable time to spend with her and create their own traditions? Write down all the reasons. It's helpful to be 100% clear when you share your plans and be okay with the decision.

?? Decide where and when to tell your family. Consider where and when you will have the tough conversation. On the phone? In person? Tell them early. It's the respectful thing to do. Maybe it frees up your folks to go away instead! And when the disappointment sets in use language such as "I know, I'm sorry " Or "I hear you." Leave it at that. It's hard. But you're not a bad person for making decisions that serve you.

?? Be direct. Don't hem and haw. Keep the language trained on "I decided": "I wanted to talk to you about the holidays this year. I know we typically do X, but this year, I’ve decided to do Y instead.” When pushed for a reason: Again, keep the conversation trained on the "I." “I love you so much, and I couldn’t live with myself if I got you sick.” or "I would rather stay home this year to ensure that we’re all around and healthy next year, and for the next several years.” Between homeschooling and working, my trainer was just drained. It's okay to admit she is stretched too thin and are not up for family gatherings this year.

?? Lead with “Unfortunately ...” This word can be super helpful in setting boundaries when you want to convey empathy but also reject a request. “Unfortunately ... ” lets you communicate your regret that you won’t meet the person’s expectations; but allows you to establish a boundary in a strong way. “Unfortunately, we can’t join you,” acknowledges and validates your potential host’s disappointment while ensuring that you clearly communicate your needs.

?? Make it clear. Nothing confuses things more than a fuzzy boundary. Statements like “I might not have time to hand make Christmas bear cookies,” or “I don’t know if I can bring them” leave room for expectations and negotiation.

“Unfortunately I won’t be able to make them” leaves no room for misinterpretation.

?? Be specific. When you’re talking to your family about boundaries, you need to be specific with whatever you’re asking. My trainer is a single parent. She is often on the receiving end of criticism for that choice. Can you consider saying, up front, "Hey, my relationships are off limits for discussion this year."

?? Set an 'end' time. There’s a difference between making an appearance at a cocktail reception for your client for 30 minutes and staying until the bar closes. One way to feel less frantic about everything on your plate is to give an end time to each event you attend.

?? What If They Don’t Like My Boundaries?

Your family members might not like your boundaries. It can bring up their deepest fears and insecurities. “Does she still love me? Is he angry? What does this mean for our relationship?” Be prepared for surprise, anger, or sadness.

During the conversation, acknowledge that your boundary may be difficult to hear. This helps your loved one feel seen and included in the process.

Language to try:

?? “I will be staying at a hotel when I come home for Christmas this year. I would love to carve out a day to spend together, just the two of us.”

?? “Talking about this topic is difficult for me. Can we change the conversation? I’d love to hear how work’s been going for you.”

?? “It’s really important to me that I meet my need for alone time. That said, time with you is really important to me. Can we work together to find a balance that works for both of us?”

You can manage your boundaries or manage other people’s feelings, but you can’t do both.

Other people are not mind-readers. Don’t expect them to be. You can ask for what you want. Even those closest to you may need ongoing instruction in how to care for you because we are always changing—as are our needs and boundaries.

(Sources: The Glitter Guide, Robinstone.com, Tinybuddha.com, Fast Company)

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My name is Joya Dass. For 20 years, I was a television news anchor. Business news was my beat. I'm also born to Indian immigrants, who had very specific scripts on how girls should be raised. I left home at 18 and paid for college, grad school and every move to come to New York City and live out my childhood dream of becoming a news anchor. It was something I wanted since I was 4 years old. But--I had to build a network and employ a great deal of self-leadership to get here. Today, I head up the Women's Leadership Academy to teach best practices on both networking and self-leadership.

Three ways to engage with me next year.

???Mastermind. Jan 21st. Do you have a wish? Do you want to make it a goal by putting systems, processes, and a plan around it? The next cohort of my Mastermind for 8 women begins in January.?Apply here

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??? Don't want to do the mastermind, but want to set goals for the year in January? Sign up here

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