How to Say No With Heart

I was presenting to a hundred employees on the topic of increasing resilience to stress, and during the seminar, I asked the employees what was causing stress in their lives. One of them, a woman named Cheryl, said, “My boss stresses me out.” When I inquired further, she told the group that a few times a day, her boss would text her with an alarming tone, such as, “Get in my office now!” Cheryl said that when she received these texts, she would immediately freeze up and wouldn’t know what to do or say for several minutes. She didn’t feel safe addressing her boss when he was furious and she wanted to avoid conflict, so she did nothing. This became a habitual pattern between the two of them; after each text, Cheryl automatically shut down and waited until she felt ready to respond. This led to more aggressive outbursts from her boss and resulted in a vicious cycle of her shutting down, him blowing up, and, more importantly, Cheryl not setting compassionate and healthy boundaries at work—a pattern she recreated when conflict arose at home as well.

How can we tell when we aren’t holding compassionate boundaries?

• We say yes when we really want to say no.
• Other people’s problems become our priority.
• We neglect important concerns related to home or work.
• We suffer physically because there is so much outward focus that we aren’t listening to our self-care needs, like sleep, meditation, exercise, or taking breaks.
• We accept abuse in our relationships.
• We are overly apologetic and don’t say what we are truly feeling and needing.

What is setting a compassionate boundary? It is the act of turning toward whatever difficulty you’re feeling with compassion and listening to the underlying need that is both compassionate to yourself and the other person involved. How skilled are you at creating healthy and compassionate boundaries? Boundaries define us. They define what is you and what is not you. A boundary shows you where you end and someone else begins, leading to a sense of sovereignty.

Like this? It’s an excerpt from my forthcoming book, Shine: Ignite Your Inner Game to Lead Consciously at Work and in the World, soon to be published by Sounds True! If you want more sneak peeks like this on the inner game of leading from love, like this post and let me know in the comments below!