How to say goodbye so you can move on

There are a lot of goodbyes these days. You may have to lay people off, or you lost your job. Maybe you need to part ways with a treasured client or supplier. You will be tempted to deal with the parting quickly. Get it done. Avoid sentimentalities. Move on. Maybe you want to skip goodbye altogether or hide behind an email. Don't.

There is a surprising truth about endings. If you do not attend to them, you leave "unfinished business" that will burden you going forward.

The same applies to groups. If a group does not acknowledge the member who is leaving for their contribution, the group’s healthy dynamics are compromised. They do not feel as safe anymore. Their cohesion suffers. I first read about this phenomenon in John Whittington’s book Systemic Coaching and Constellations. Since then, I have seen it repeatedly in the teams I coach. The "ghosts" of the people who left unacknowledged still linger and affect the group.

So, if you are firing people, do it with compassion. You can be quick - you do not want to drag on the torture. But, do not do the dismissals under the radar. Give the opportunity to people to say goodbye. Maybe prepare a farewell card or have a zoom leaving-do with acknowledgments and "best moments" nostalgia. Honor the person leaving. Not only for them but mainly for the ones staying behind.

If you are the one leaving, honor the company you part ways with. Thank them for everything they have given you. That's the best way to move on. Here is how I said goodbye to Google when I left.

When endings work

When my first boss at Google left the company for another opportunity, I wanted to give him a special gift. He was a professional photographer. I was doing painting classes at the time. I took one of his photographs of a wild bird and painted a canvas with the same image. With some kind words on the back.

It took me hours to make it. It was a creative way to acknowledge how much I had learned from him. We are still in touch, and he is a wonderful mentor and friend. He will be one of the first beta-readers of my upcoming book.

When I left Spain after three years of living there, I threw a leaving party. My friends got to write something on a huge Spanish flag that I took with me. Call me theatrical. I still keep in touch with those friends.

Endings with no closure

Other times, I failed miserably to say a proper goodbye. It was 2014, and it was my last day at work before my one-year maternity leave. I knew I would not work with the same clients when I would come back. My company had hired someone else to take over my portfolio.

I had sent my farewell emails to my clients. My favorite client emailed me back. He wanted to have a call to give me a proper send-off. I was busy running around, wrapping everything up. I was heavily pregnant and could not wait for my leave to start. Maybe I did not feel comfortable saying goodbye by phone. It felt too awkward. I did not call him.

It is interesting how many times I have thought of this incident since. Unfinished business haunts us like that. I did not keep in touch with that client. I am sure we would still be friends if I had made this phone call to say goodbye.

When I left one of my first jobs, I organized a leaving do in the office. I even brought my legendary Greek salad for my colleagues. In my heart, though, I felt bitter with the company, and they felt betrayed because I was leaving. The goodbye was cold.

Shortly after I left, they went into a lawsuit with one of their clients because she would not pay them. They needed witnesses to prove that we had done the work. They could not reach out to me because of the way we had left things.

Leaving on great terms is not only about avoiding the psychological burden of lack of closure. It is also a practical consideration in the small world we live in. As an old Irish proverb says:

Do not cut a knot you can untie.

When in your life, did you end things well? Remember the people, the jobs, and the neighborhoods you left. How did you send off the people who left you? What difference did the ending make on how you remember the entire experience? How it affected whether you keep in touch with the people involved? Share your answers in the comments section.

What now?

It is an emotional time. Many of us have to part ways while we would prefer not to. Whether you are the one leaving or the one being left behind:

• Acknowledge what you gained from the relationship.
• Give thanks
• Say goodbye

You may not like goodbyes. They make you face a loss after all. But attending to them is the best way to move on. Keep the good. Leave the bad behind. Give thanks. And then start your next adventure.

Join thousands of pioneering leaders receiving the Leader's Path, a monthly email with resources to maximize your impact and fulfillment. Caterina Kostoula is an executive & team coach and founder of The Leaderpath.