How Safe Do You Make it For People to Tell You the Truth?

A client recently hit me with this question: “I’m a department head with seven employees in my business unit. I don’t think everybody is being honest with each other and that concerns me. Sometimes people seem to hide out in their offices. I’ve tried talking to people about what’s going on, but they’re not opening up to me. What can I do?”

Her question was serious food for thought.  

Honesty is a great place to start. It’s also a scary place if employees are worried about your reaction to their comments. One of the most important questions I ask leaders is, “How safe do you make it for people to tell you the truth?”

When an employee tells you something you want to hear, safety isn’t usually an issue. It’s when they tell you something you may not want to hear that can be a challenge. Here’s your litmus test for knowing how safe you are: when was the last time an employee told you something that upset you, or frustrated you, or hurt you? And then, how did you respond?  In that moment, you are setting the foundation for future conversations. 

You may be wondering how to gauge your safety factor.  After all, that insight is often a blind spot for leaders. They probably just haven’t thought about it because emotional safety is not typically taught in business schools or discussed in day-to-day conversations. However, it has significant implications on the smooth operation of a leader’s team. If employees don’t talk about what’s not working or missing, how will you ever know until something breaks down?

Questions like these call for an EQ (emotional intelligence) tune-up. Self-awareness is a good place to start. There is a self-assessment I have found very helpful because it identifies two key ways we react to conversations. It is our reactive habits that can close down other people. If you think people are not opening up to you, this self-assessment will give you some of your own insightful food for thought.

One of my teachers, Jan Smith, founder of the Center for Authentic Leadership, developed the assessment and I’ve made some edits in using it. She contends when we are upset, frustrated, or hurt, we react in either a conclusive or an evasive way with people.

A Conclusive Conversation happens when we share our views and perceptions as if they are the "truth".  We attempt to convince or control others, listening to their points of view through the filter of whether or not they agree with our perspective.  All Conclusive Conversations focus on our perceptions and our desired outcome with no curiosity for the other person's point of view.  We also have very little interest for the facts.

The impact?  We come across as focusing on being right while defending ourselves and our point of view.

Here's how you can discover if you have a tendency toward this way of reacting. The first set of questions gives you insights about a Conclusive Conversation.  Put an "X" next to any of these actions that characterize you in a conversation when you are upset, frustrated, or hurt:

1. I want to express what I think and how I feel because I know it is the truth.
2. I say whatever is on my mind regardless of impact.
3. I am wedded to what I see as my right because I feel so strongly about it.
4. I raise my voice louder than theirs.
5. I make absolute statements like, “The fact is…” or “It’s obvious…”
6. I make a conclusion about their intentions based on how I see the situation.
7. I label and judge others based on the way I would do it.
8. I collect evidence to prove my point of view.
9. I solicit other views that match mine to gather more weight and justification.
10. My focus is on being right.
11. I use directive questions to control the conversation.
12. I speak as the authority and bring in my credentials, knowledge base, and contacts.
13. I make comments like, “Everyone knows…” or “Any business professional would…”
14. If they continue to oppose me, I resort to attacking them personally.

 I further explain and justify my conclusions by saying things like:

• This must be true because it feels so important to me.
• I have to yell to get them to listen to me.
• I know this is the right thing.
• They didn’t do it the right way.
• I have to manage this conversation because they aren’t capable of it.

Here is the "other side of the coin", an Evasive Conversation.  This is when we are vague and hard to pin down.  Evasive Conversations happen when we are purposely elusive in order to avoid a perceived problem or threat, or to protect ourselves when our reaction upsets us.  We may mask the truth, withhold information, or withdraw emotionally or physically from a conversation.

The impact?  We come across as withholding what we are really thinking to avoid difficulty at all costs.

This second set of questions gives you insights about Evasive Conversations.  Put an "X" next to any of these self-protective actions you might recognize about yourself:

1. I share limited pieces of information.
2. I make agreements to get the other person off my back or to please them.
3. I tell someone that I was tied up in meetings all day, when I was only committed for two hours.
4. I endorse what is presented at formal meetings, and then attack their merit later in private conversations.
5. I use jokes, sarcasm, or snide remarks to convey how I really feel.
6. I gloss over a problem or appease the person with whom I fear conflict.
7. I talk but never address the real issues.
8. I change the subject or act in a way that is very different then how I feel.
9. I harbor concerns that go unannounced and yet expect resolution.
10. I act like I don’t care when I am hurt.
11. I hide the real motivation or belief when I ask a question.
12. I want this conversation to be over, so I move away from them.
13. I put off returning e-mails or phone calls when I don’t want to deal with the person.

 I explain and justify my evasive actions in terms like:

• It will be easier if I just agree.
• For the sake of speed, my explanation will do.
• I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
• I don’t want to bother them and take up their time.
• They wouldn’t listen anyway.
• They will never understand.

Surprised by the insights you may have discovered? I suggest writing them down so you can notice patterns that will give you awareness about your behavior. It may also give you an appreciation about why your employees and associates may not be opening up to you.

Now that you have this information about yourself, what's next?

Consider engaging in an Expansive Conversation. This requires your willingness to expand your point of view by asking questions, without "yes, but's." You engage associates when you listen, asking, “What else?” or “Tell me more”. And then listen some more.

Being genuinely curious opens possibilities you may not have even considered. In an Expansive Conversation, it helps to leave behind the idea you are right and they are wrong. Let go of the idea that “I already know.” If you have strong feelings about the topic of the conversation, it’s often challenging. True enough.  But the insights and engagement you get are worth it.

When you enter a conversation from a truly curious place, it changes the dynamics. You can’t hold the view that you “already know” because you are actually listening for what you don’t know.

Neither you nor the employee can know what new understanding and information might emerge. You want to listen until you are in amazement at what you didn’t know about this person and their points of view. That creates emotional safety.

For the next month, consider this practice. Set aside what you think you know and step into curiosity. Use some of the following suggestions to invite others to talk with you:

• What do you think about ___?
• What matters most to you about that?
• What are your ideas about ___?
• What would you really like?
• What more can you say about that so I can understand?
• I don't want to continue until I understand what you see and feel that I don’t. Please tell me more.
• What do you want me to know?

When you do this, notice your reaction. Notice how your questions are received. Notice what you learn by asking. Then consider this thought from Deepak Chopra, “Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”