HOW TO RUN A COUNTRY

A Phil Ackman Article

TO: Prime Minister

FROM: Your Chief of Staff

STATUS: Confidential

Congratulations on your victory, Prime Minister but I do think it’s useful to reiterate the basics for your sunniest possible 2nd term — the typical lifespan of every Australian Government for the past 90 years.

If you made policy announcements during the campaign, there is no place for them now. Your best course of action — refer them to Committee or an external Consultant — where they will wither until forgotten. Thought bubbles consigned to hell. Or declare circumstances have changed — because of the disastrous decisions you inherited all those years ago from your incompetent predecessor.

Stocking stuffer policies, however, are always attractive because there is no way to measure their result — and therefore no need to bother trying to implement them. King of the stocking stuffers — a solemn vow to reduce red tape. No Government has ever actually done this. It’s far too hard.

Other all time winners, former PM John Howard’s: “Be alert but not alarmed” — and current Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese’s recent announcement on male violence: “We need to change our culture and… attitudes. We need to change the legal system.”

Asking voters to be alert is fanciful and potentially dangerous. You want them docile, content and sleepy. Changing the nation’s legal system and culture is mere speechwriting gobble-de-gook.

Eventually, however, you will have to make some real policy decisions The public might otherwise conclude you are doing nothing but riding in your VIP jet and drinking other people’s Champagne. But your years of Party service have taught you policy is almost always stillborn — because it has to be both popular — and acceptable to as many special interests as possible.

No worthwhile initiative has ever survived these roadblocks — other than in unrecognisable form. Bereft of meaning — riddled with ambiguity — bristling with loopholes. Which is why it is vital you delay implementation until the hated future new Government has inherited your office — and — if at all possible — the blame for everything you and your Government screwed up.

The good news — Party research shows 95% of the benefit of any policy announcement lies in the Press Release alone. Media announcements should have eye catching headlines — but be short on detail — vague about start dates, and silent about when — if ever — the necessary funding might be available.

New bloods imagine their opponents sit on the other side of the House of Reps or the Senate. This mistake is a schoolboy howler. Your most feared opposition are members of your own Party. They covet your job. They hope to get it. One day — unless you stop them — they will.

Wise to promote the most dangerous — or the most capable — to portfolios where juggling impossible problems — and endless crises — guarantees a political belly flop onto the back bench. Popular “hospital pass” portfolios include Defence, Education, Housing — and, of course — Immigration. Here’s your anchor — and there’s the end of the pier.

You’ve been a politician since the Flintstones were on TV, so you must accept you have no skills apart from ringbarking your enemies, spitting out platitudes, and counting the numbers. But when a community tragedy occurs, you must appear supportive — patriotic — and down to earth. Your Prime Ministerial jet behind a hangar at the back of the airfield — your chauffeured limo around the corner and out of sight. Meticulously planned tears-can also be effective. Blubbering, however, is definitely out. Safer to be saddened — and in the face of overwhelming tragedy— deeply saddened. More powerful expressions of devastation are reserved for the end of your own career.

Suck it up! Scandals are inevitable. Your Government is chockers with pollies purring with ambition, jealousy and paranoia — but lacking any brains, experience, or expertise. Surrounded by thousands of raw advisors — mostly recent University graduates — whose only skill is to hitch a ride on the train of gravy.

A serious scandal might take the scalp of a 22 year old in the Minister’s office — but advisors — and 22-year-olds — are plentiful. A real humdinger — the Minister as well — but this a last ditch sacrifice — because they might bring you down too — unless “taking one for the gipper” is lavishly rewarded — and fast.

You long ago learned democracy is an unworkable, slow moving train wreck — thanks to the compromised decisions of glacially stupid Committees and further lobotomised by special interests.

You must therefore run your Government alone — while pretending you are merely the humble head of a broad church. Everyone else — no matter how senior — reports directly to me — your loyal Chief of Staff. If they want to stay abreast of the decisions you’re making in their name, they can read the papers — or logon to Twitter.

Two terms and you’re out means you must also focus on landing your next gig. This is also the time to reward your supporters — even the ones you hate — and finally to hand the incoming Government an economy apparently tickety-boo until the last second of your very last day — but pear-shaped within days of your successor’s arrival.

This, Prime Minister, is #howtorunacountry.

I’m #philackman and this #philackmanarticle first to air on #cairnsfm891