How to Respond When the Feedback Feels Personal

Last week, one of my executive coaching clients showed up to our meeting pretty agitated.

She was getting the sense her boss had it out for her. A certain issue had become a sticking point, and she felt like she was getting picked on.

Typically, I’m all for confronting the issue. It’s often best to get to the bottom of what’s going on and clear the air.

But her story gave me pause. From what she was telling me, I had reason to believe the conversation with her boss wasn’t going to be productive. Accuse her of picking on you, and then what? There’s nowhere to go.

So I asked my client to dig a little deeper.

The situation: My client was getting very specific feedback on a consistent basis, and she was taking it as a personal attack. Was something else going on?

It might feel unfair, but feedback is sometimes a symptom of a deeper issue.

If you’re the target of unmerited finger pointing — especially as a leader — your job is to seek the source.

Where should the finger be pointing?

(Hint: look for a “what,” not a “who”)

In this case, there was an entire department dropping the ball due to lack of training; my client was in charge of overseeing that department. This needed to become the basis of the conversation with her boss, not the feeling of being picked on.

Ultimately, she recognized the buck stopped with her, and she was responsible for addressing the issue.

By identifying the source, she’s prepared to have a vastly different discussion with her boss — one that’s solution-oriented rather than defensive and griping.

Not only is this approach more likely to alleviate the problem long-term, but it paints her in a much better light as a leader.

The next time you feel yourself getting defensive, look beyond the symptom. Dig deeper, identify the source, and focus on creating a solution.