How to respond to someone who's told you they're autistic or ADHD

When I was advised after my assessment to send resources to my family and friends to help them to support me, I felt like there was nothing that encapsulated my experiences. This is especially because I don't match up with the 'typical' autism stereotype of a little boy who likes trains - and they already know I have ADHD.

Initially, I took this literally, writing out a book of my entire life, fitting the pieces of the puzzle together. Although I'm now editing it, I also realised that the expectation for them to read an entire book about my life (especially without actually communicating this expectation to them), was only going to lead to further misunderstandings.

I also realised that impulsively publishing this in it's raw immediate-post-diagnosis 150 page form, wouldn't be a particularly good idea for anybody, and it deserves the time and attention to make it as helpful as possible.

So here's something in the meantime, which hopefully will help others:

Your initial response

There's no easy way to tell someone that you've just discovered that you have a neurodevelopmental condition that's responsible for so much hidden pain throughout your life.

AuDHD-ers may have developed highly effective coping strategies, such as forcing themselves to be 'social' or 'productive', even though these take a huge amount of energy, without even realising.

Finding this out is overwhelming - like discovering that you're not broken. If someone tells you this, please remember what a gigantically big deal this is for them. It's incredibly vulnerable, and they may not fully understand it themselves. They have not reached this conclusion for fun.

It is not an excuse for their personal failings, or every negative experience they've experienced throughout their life. They are not blaming you. They are simply trying to offer you the same understanding that they now have.

However, this can lead to a mismatch in expectations. The individual may have deeply researched this topic, but it's entirely reasonable that the only things you've heard about it have been news headlines claiming everybody is making it up to get disability benefits (despite these being pretty impossible to access).

You may only have seen celebrities talking about neurodiversity, assuming that they are doing this for attention. It's understandable that it's hard to correlate with highly 'successful' people like Simone Biles, Greta Thunberg, Steven Bartlett, and Paris Hilton. It's understandable that you'd see people like Katie Price talking about ADHD in relation to her impulsivity, leading to multiple bankruptcies and court mandates, and assume she's using this as an excuse.

Equally, you may see these celebrities and assume that these conditions are a 'superpower', as so often described by them, such as Sam Thompson .

However, there is a reason that these celebrities are where they are: their brains work differently to 'most'. That can come with strengths, such as the ability to run extremely successful companies, but also great costs, as seen by the recent passing of Liam Payne, who struggled with alcohol addiction and suicidal ideation, dying at 31 years old.

The most important thing to remember is that these experiences are not reflective of the person in front of you. They are most likely not a celebrity, not part of the 1% of people who due to a combination of factors such as environment, upbringing, and luck, have 'made it big'.

Yes, they are still the same person, but understanding that they are neurodivergent also changes everything - at least it probably does for them.

So, if your initial response to their disclosure it surprise, skepticism, concern, or dismissal - then congratulations, you are human. However, this reaction is may be extremely painful for the individual. They have already likely spent a lifetime invalidating themselves and feeling misunderstood, and your reaction has immense potential to hurt them.

If their disclosure is met with invalidation, they might impose further silence on themselves, questioning their own experiences. They might withdraw from your relationship, and those with others. They might have to struggle with this alone, which was hopefully the exact opposite of what you wanted to convey.

So if you can, try to follow this up with understanding and compassion. Tell the that you're there to talk to about it when they feel ready. Try not to give advice or opinions unless asked for - just simply listen, a highly underrated skill!

Try to put your own feelings aside, without making it about you. It's natural to feel guilt and fear for them, in not having recognised the signs, or that they have been struggling alone. I'd suggest avoiding asking them why they didn't tell you they were struggling earlier - they didn't know how.

Try not to ask them what made them get assessed, or why they think they are neurodivergent. This can feel like having to justify our experiences, which are probably going to take years to understand ourselves. There may have been very painful circumstances leading to this, such as suicidal ideation or burnout, and we may not feel ready to share that with you just yet - if ever.

Don't pressure them to get a 'formal diagnosis' if they don't have one, just as you wouldn't ask if a person disclosing depression was 'formally diagnosed'. Assessments cost thousands, or be gate-kept by years-long waiting lists on the NHS, possibly feeling extremely intimidating for someone who has masked their symptoms, such as forcing eye contact. If a person believes they are neurodivergent, this is for a reason that should be accepted as valid.

If something about your initial reaction doesn't feel right, try to follow it up with an apology and an explanation, recognising that you have more to learn. Remind them that you are there for them no matter what, and accept them exactly as they are. It is neither good nor bad - it simply is a part of who they are.

Ongoing support

Navigating neurodivergence isn't just about that individual: it affects all of their relationships, and everybody in their life. Discovering this can be so overwhelming that they experience burnout, questioning all of their decisions and everything they know about who they are.

They may appear 'more' autistic / ADHD than before as they realise how they've been masking. They might become obsessed with understanding everything about it - so let them. They've got a lifetime to catch up on, and it's a privilege to be brought along on the journey.

This is because they may struggle to know how to 'exist' as a person with this newfound understanding, withdrawing from social situations. They probably haven't been given a handy guide to know what to do next, feeling confused about how to share this with others. It may open their eyes to the struggles they have been ignoring throughout their life, which can result in grief. It's not about you.

Here's some tips for how to continue to support a newly discovered neurodivergent person:

• Check in on them regularly. They might not reply to your messages, or decline invitations, but don't take this personally - and don't give up.
• Let them know that you'll support them to navigate this in whatever ways work for them. For example, maybe they'd prefer to communicate by email, instead of talking on the phone or seeing you in person.
• Get your own support, such as therapy. This can be an overwhelming experience for a loved one, in having someone you've known forever find out they have a condition that you may not understand. Remember that you have done the best you can with the resources you had available to you throughout your life, but stay open to exploring this with the individual where possible, even if it may feel uncomfortable. It will mean a lot.
• Stay non-judgemental. Let the individual know that you accept them however they need to process this or show up in the world.
• Don't make it about you, such as bringing up your own experiences or feelings about the situation. These are of course equally valid, but in that moment, they may already feel extremely guilty about 'lying' through masking throughout their lives. To process this from your experience as well can be extremely overwhelming.
• Send them food. This is often a significant struggle for AuDHD-ers at the best of times, and our ability to look after ourselves might be impacted by this stress. Food deliveries are a nice way of showing that you care, and always useful!
• Be patient. They may need some time to understand and process this, as do you. The diagnosis (whether self-identified or medical) is the start of a new chapter in their life, a new identity, and discovering who they are and what they need. They are unlikely to know this at that moment.
• Help them to set boundaries and honour their needs. For example, invite them to hang out as you normally would, but recognise that they may prefer a different method of connecting. If they seem hesitant or unsure, acknowledge this and provide reassurance. They may be overthinking your potential reactions much more than you realise.
• Learn everything that you can about their condition, such as by reading books like mine . It will mean a lot to them that you are taking an interest in understanding them, but recognise that they may not wish to speak about this, and everyone's experiences are highly situational and unique. Try not to bombard them with information - they're already overwhelmed!
• Offer support with day to day life, and navigating bureaucracy such as diagnostic forms or appointments with their doctor. Try to avoid sharing your own personal opinions about things like medication, coaching, or therapy. You could help them to apply to Access to Work , which is a government grant funding support for people with health conditions to help them stay in work, but they will need to tell their employer, if they're employed.
• Get curious about yourself. If you resonate with a lot of their experiences, or are feeling particularly emotionally reactive to this, explore it further. Our strong reactions are usually reflections on our own feelings, especially fear. Notice how you feel about it, and recognise this as an opportunity - not an accusation.
• Stay open-minded. Explain that you are learning alongside them, and that's okay. Try to avoid giving opinions or advice (no matter how well meaning). Framing the experience as either positive or negative can be misinterpreted, and likely doesn't exactly resonate with their inner world - it's not 'good or bad'. It just is. It will change who they are, their understanding of themselves, and their identity, and that's okay.

Not everyone is going to become an ADHD Coach or write a book about it - their experiences are likely to be far more gradual, moments of clarity and realisations on a daily basis that will help them to understand and accept themselves better.

Remember that this 'label' is ultimately one they should have received years ago, instead of the self-imposed labels of being 'broken' or 'stupid' or 'lazy'. If they've had to figure this out by themselves, it's a result of broken, stupid, and lazy systems, including outdated diagnostic criteria based on little boys, and societal conditioning to be 'normal'.

They are part of a lost generation, who have had to struggle in silence, not realising that they were different to everybody else. Now you can help them to live the life they should have had in the first place.

Become an ADHD Coach in November here .

Join the 'Processing Neurodivergence' group therapeutic sessions starting on November 18th, led by neurodivergent psychotherapist Polly Miskiewicz here .