How to respond to being bullied

Many people I know in the sector have either seen or experienced some form of bullying, often passive aggressive bullying. This article provides some techniques for dealing with those who think claiming passion for their cause justifies any behaviour on their part. The ones who keep telling you that it’d all work brilliantly, if only you didn’t keep letting them down so badly.  I know it's really difficult, so take from this article whatever is useful to you and seek help - there are links in it to organisations who provide free, professional advice and support.

Call it by its real name - bullying - in a sector driven by passion, they project a persona that makes them appear to be one of the many truly fantastic and genuinely passionate people we have. In reality, they undermine the organisations they profess to care about and make a misery of the lives of the people in them. The first step in dealing with a passive aggressive is to see past the saccharine charm and recognise their behaviour for what it is – bullying. 

Remember that it's about them, not you - don’t get angry and stay positive, a much as you can. If you let them drag you down to their level, they may well use it as ammunition to undermine you. It’ll also help you to cope better - you’re responsible for your own behaviour, not theirs, so try not to allow them to ruin your life.

Respond constructively - they may blame you using generalities, such as ‘You made a mess of the project’, because it makes responding difficult. Try not to get angry. Instead, put the ball back into their court by saying that you wish to respond positively to their criticism, but for you to do so they have to be specific about what they think you did wrong. 

Hold them accountable and set boundaries - they may well say that they are ‘too busy’, in which case ask them when it would be convenient to talk. If they say what you got wrong was ‘everything’ or something similar, tell them that to address their concern, they have to give you the information you need to do so.  When you have an answer, or if you don’t get one, ask them what they want you to do in future. If what they are saying is unreasonable, explain why and suggest an alternative solution. Taking a reasonable, solution focussed approach will help to deny them the opportunity to revisit the issue and send a message that you are not prepared to simply be blamed by them.

Make them understand there will be consequences - for continued poor behaviour and follow through on this.  For example, if someone continuously arrives at meetings late, explain that in future the meeting will start on-time without them and then do so, if you have to. If he/she is your line manager that's obviously more difficult, so:

Mitigate the impact of the bullying - look for what triggers their behaviour and observe when and how they seek to undermine you. Obviously, there are behaviours and standards that we all must follow, as professionals.  Do not compromise on these, but try and think of ways you might manage your interaction with them, to minimise their behaviour. If they are a micro-manager, it may be that copying them in to lots of information may help. Or, if doing something in a particular way, triggers their behaviour, it might be that there’s another way you could do it. It’s also important to reinforce good behaviour to encourage him/her to repeat it. As part of this, ensure you deliver on anything you agree to.

Seek support from others - work to strengthen your relationships with colleagues to make it more difficult for the bully to undermine you. Consider speaking to someone you trust or seeking help from a 3rd party. For example, your line manager or, if you have one, the HR team and some charities have confidential staff helplines. There are also organisations who can help you - such as BullyingUK and BullyOnline or, if you’re a volunteer, reading this by NCVO might be helpful. If you belong to a union, they may also be able to help. It is always worth being mindful that the individual may have mental health issues that are causing, or exacerbating, their behaviour. If you think this may be the case, this list of mental health helplines might be useful. 

Know your rights - you have a number of statutory rights. For example, everyone has the right to raise a grievance, have it heard and a right of appeal. Beyond that, in certain circumstances, you may be able to make a whistleblowing disclosure and, ultimately, may be able to seek redress at an Employment Tribunal. However, there are procedures that you should follow and limitations on these options, so look into this before doing anything. Details of your organisations procedures should be available, usually in your Staff Handbook and the Acas website has guidance and a helpline. If you think you are being bullied, because of a protected characteristic, such as your sex, race, age or sexual orientation, this may be unlawful under the Equality Act, which provides additional safeguards. The Equality Advisory & Support Service website provides guidance and they also have a helpline. 

And protect yourself - if you stand up to the bully, he/she may seek to take action against you. If they’re a subordinate or colleague, they may even take out a grievance, or seek to undermine you with the senior team or board. If they are your superior, he/she may potentially seek to take disciplinary or capability (poor performance) action against you, or even dismiss you. Therefore, it’s always a very good idea to keep a record - dates, what has been said and done, anyone else who was present.  Keep copies of any relevant e mails and other documents. If you have a meeting with him/her, it can be a good idea to follow up on this with an e mail thanking him/her for making the time and, not least, noting what was agreed at your meeting. If you're being sexually harassed and find it difficult to talk to people, this chatbot enables you to talk about and record what's happening to you, without a human.  If you're the victim of 'revenge porn', you can get help here.

Be realistic about what you can achieve - in the very many well run charities, bullying will be totally unacceptable. However, too many aren’t and, in your first 2 years of employment, you only have legal protection against unfair dismissal in certain limited circumstances.  Consequently, in responding to bullying, think carefully about the outcome you want, what you will accept and how far you are prepared to go to get it. Even if successful, seeing the process through would require strength. If you have it, fantastic, as you'll be helping others too, but achieving the best outcome and caring for yourself should be your main priorities. Having to leave a job you love for another role and let the bully get away with it, may be hugely unfair but, possibly, an option worth thinking about. If you do decide to do so, it will not be you who has failed, but your organisation. There are many outstanding charities, who support and value their people, so don't stay if yours is one that won't. 

This is a resource from my free online toolkit for trustees/senior teams, which enables you to achieve more and reduce workload. It's very easy to use, set-up is 2 mins, each of the 8 questionnaires 30 and there are 3000+ links to resources – it finds the ones you need, so you don’t have to - https://www.charityexcellence.co.uk. To fund it, I'm available for facilitation and consultancy work, including pragmatic, cost effective charity health checks and governance evaluations. Find our more here.