How to Resolve Disagreements Effectively!

Have you ever had a day that’s been going really well and then suddenly it takes a left turn into an argument that leaves you stunned, frustrated and upset? It can happen to the best of us. Here are some very practical steps you can take that will get the relationship back on track, address the issue on the table and leave you feeling proud about how you conducted yourself.

First, let me tell you a story. 

I have someone I coach, let’s call her Donna, who is a senior vice president in a professional services organization.  She is respected by her peers, has moved up in the organization quickly, and has very strong technical and leadership skills. When I answered the phone for our recent monthly coaching call I found her to be unusually upset and frustrated.   

When I asked her what was going she told me about a conversation she had earlier that day with Jerry, the CEO that got very heated.  Jerry was discussing his plans for a senior team retreat in the mountains and when she objected to his plan things went off track very quickly.  For about five minutes I heard every evil thing this guy had ever done. What I heard made me think he had grown horns and a tail!  Then, with some continued questioning, I was able to get a more complete picture of the argument, what events preceded it and a few things that she did or said that might have put fuel on the fire.   Progress!  Gradually she calmed down and began to consider the situation differently.  I suggested an approach she could use when she spoke to him again.

It just so happened that I was coaching Jerry the next day. When he called I heard an equally frustrated voice telling a very different story!  It was if they had been in separate meetings.  And in one sense, they had.   No one apparently was really listening or paying attention to the other!  His explanation began with what Donna had done, how frustrated he was with her lack of willingness to “push the envelope” and “raise the bar” for the senior team.  I didn’t hear anything regarding what he could have done to better manage the conversation, or what he may have done to make it worse. So I repeated the same process with him that I had used with Donna.  Gradually his frustration gave way to more rationality, personal ownership and willingness to work on repairing the relationship.  We concluded with him saying he felt much better and that he would have a conversation with Donna in day or two.

I’m happy to say that I got a voice message from him later that week saying he had a very productive conversation with Donna and had addressed the critical issues. I also got an email message from Donna, saying how happy she was about the conversation and how she felt they had made some real progress in getting things back on track.  

Here is the process I that used:

1. Regain emotional balance

What tends to happen during a disagreement is that emotion takes over and logic and reason take a back seat.  Physiologically stress is produced and blood flows from our rational brain to the irrational or reptilian brain, triggering the fight or flight response.  Here are some things you can do if you are in the middle of an argument and want to regain your balance:

   -   Take a break.  Tell the other person you would like to gather your thoughts   and take a short break.

  -    If that isn’t practical, then take two or three deep breaths.  This will give         you a few moments to gather yourself mentally. Physiologically it will             bring more oxygen into your body and will help alleviate the stress             response.  Deep breathing will increase the blood flow into the rational portion of your brain, helping you get back to the “real” you.

When you feel your emotions are under control consider these questions: What was happening to you and other person prior to the disagreement?  What events or facts might be affecting them?  What about for you?

Being able to step back and see the situation clearly, without judgment or opinions is essential so that you can move to step 2.

1. Recognize and take full ownership of your contribution to the situation

It takes two people to have a fight. Imagine an actual physical fight between two combatants. If one simply stops fighting the fight is over. However, the fight continues as long as one person attacks and one defends. Each is contributing in some way to the fight.

It’s similar in a verbal dispute.  One person initiates the conversation, the other responds, causing a reaction and so on until one person ends the discussion either by walking away, hanging up the phone or by not talking anymore. It is essential that you recognize what you did that contributed to the problem. If you aren’t able to do that, then you aren’t ready for a resolution conversation.    There are always factors from both sides, no matter how small they may be, that in some way have contributed to the problem.

Taking responsibility for what you contributed in a conversation that became contentious is critical if you want move to the next step.

1. Mentally prepare to resolve the problem

There is more at stake than just resolving the mechanical details of the disagreement.  There are three dimensions to consider:  The health of the relationship, the way you conduct yourself, and the goal, or what you were trying to accomplish when the disagreement occurred.

Let’s look at the relationship first.  Rate the degree of trust or peace in the relationship before the disagreement from 1-10, with 10 being high. Now rate it, after the disagreement.  There is a difference, right?  So, that is one objective in solving the disagreement: improving the health of the relationship.

The next dimension is how you conduct yourself.  There is no point in having the conversation if you do it in such a way that you feel frustrated with yourself after the conversation because of how you behaved.  That disappointment could come from getting angry, being too direct, not listening well or holding back how you really feel.  The goal that I suggest is that you behave in a way that leaves you feeling proud.   You want to honor the other person and you want to honor yourself.  Your goal for the conversation is to focus on being very honest and very respectful.  That way you take care of the other person and you take care of yourself.

The third dimension is solving the technical issue or subject that triggered the argument.   The way to solve it is not to go into the conversation with your mind made up about what should happen.  The way to approach it is with a spirit of working together, listening and expressing your viewpoint, keeping in mind the principles of honesty and respect.  Solve it together.  Using questions like this can help:  What is really important to you?  What are you concerns?  What do you really care about?  What would I like to have happen? These help move the discussion from arguing about opposing positions on a topic to the deeper, more causal drivers beneath the surface. 

Now let’s take a look at steps in the actual conversation.

1. State the constructive purpose of the conversation

Behind every action or statement we make there is an intention.  An intention is the purpose that you have in mind.  For example, a conversation that begins with a statement like, “You didn’t call me when you said you would”, is very different from one that begins with “I would like to talk about how we can keep our commitments to each other.” 

Statement                                                                                        Intention

“You didn’t call me when you said you would”                              Blame

“I would like to talk about how we can                                           Work together

keep our commitments to each other.” 

 The second statement is more much likely to get the discussion off on the right foot because it reflects shared responsibility. The first is likely to create a defensive response because it is accusatory and one sided.  Having a clear purpose in mind for every meeting is a good idea.  Having a clear, respectful purpose for a resolution conversation is essential. It not only helps get the meeting started on the right foot, it also serves as your North Star and can help keep the discussion on track if it starts to veer off.

1. Inquire with sincerity and express your point of view honestly and respectfully

Think for a moment about recent meetings that you have been in.  Do people listen more than they talk, or talk more than they listen?  Research indicates that in most meetings, people talk more than they listen. 

A few years ago I videotaped one of my sales executives in a role play situation. I knew he had a serious problem talking too much in sales calls with clients. Despite discussing this with him, he didn’t really understand the negative impact it was having.  So, we taped a role play situation where he was the sales person and then we watched the playback together.  When he saw how much he spoke compared to how much he asked questions and listened, he was really shocked and it had a profound positive impact on his subsequent behavior.

So, if you tend to talk a lot, this is your chance to reverse that trend and really increase the amount of time you spend asking questions and listening.  The key to asking questions is to be really curious. How do you become curious?  You accept that the other person has an experience that is likely quite different from yours.  The only way for you to understand their experience is for them to explain it to you.  And if you don’t ask, they may not tell you!

When you become genuinely curious about something people will feel your sincerity and when someone feels sincerity coming from you they are more likely to be sincere themselves. 

Ask one question at a time, then be quiet and don’t interrupt. If interrupting each other is an issue, bring an object to the meeting that is held by the person speaking.  The agreed upon guideline is that person has the “floor”, no interrupting.  Take turns passing the object. Questions beginning “what” or “how” generally create a more useful response than questions beginning with “why.”   

• Examples: What was happening to you that evening when you didn’t call me?  This invites the person to talk about his experience and the facts he/she is aware of
• Using “why didn’t you call me?” invites justification, which tends to create defensiveness

Here are some very specific steps that will help draw out someone’s thinking, intentions, assumptions and conclusions, if they are not doing so on their own.

• Invite the other person to explain how they see the facts in concrete terms
• Ask what inferences they make, given what they know, and what they are led to believe
• Ask how the situation impacts them: What does it makes them think? How does it make them feel?
• Ask what they would like to see happen or what they propose
• Let them know if you agree or not

Equally important is expressing yourself fully, honestly and respectfully.  The overall objective is to share your intentions and your thinking. Remember, they can only see your behavior or hear what you say.  They cannot see your intentions or why you think the way that you do.  It is your responsibility to help them understand that.  If they don’t understand your thinking they can only make assumptions, which may or may not be correct.

These are the steps for expressing yourself effectively:

• State the facts as you see them
• Explain your reasoning
• Own and state your opinion
• Explain the impact of the situation on you and your concerns
• Explain what you would like to see happen, make a proposal
• Check for understanding and agreement

1. Mutually resolve any problems or issues

When I work with people who are heading into a difficult discussion I tell them they don’t have to have everything figured out ahead of time, particularly when it comes to solving the technical issue. Be ready to propose a solution, but also be ready to work with the other person.  I have experienced terrific solutions being generated in conversations that I would not have thought of before the discussion.

This is the time to work together, tapping into the collective wisdom of the parties involved.  When both people are part of generating the solution there is more energy created to making it actually work.  Collaborative involvement generates commitment and the belief that something can and will be different in the future.

Mutual resolution doesn’t mean one person caving in to the demands of the other.  It means each person clearly acknowledging and understanding what is important to the other and then creating solutions that satisfy the mutual interests.   

Opportunity to Learn

No matter how skilled any of us are, disagreements with others can occur. You can look at them as huge mistakes and personal failures or you can see them as opportunities to learn and grow. If you approach them using the principles I have outlined your chances of turning what seems to be a disaster into a positive experience will greatly improve.