How to Resolve any Conflict

Managing or resolving conflict is challenging.

After all, they rarely teach us these skills in school.

And we are social beings, having evolved in the safety of tribes. Where, for hundreds of thousands of years, being expelled from 'our tribe' meant certain death.

It's no wonder many of us would prefer to avoid dealing with conflict and instead bury our heads in our "work".

But if we are part of an organisation, community or family, that's probably not going to be ideal either.

And if we are a leader (or aspire to be one), resolving conflict constructively is a must.

So what can we do?

Well as it turns out, there are a few small things that make a big difference.

Resolving Conflict

Start with yourself.

If you really want to resolve a conflict you are a party to, you need to start with you.

Not the other person.

Concretely, ask yourself these 3 questions:

1. What is more important - to be right OR to maintain/grow this relationship? So often our desire to 'be right' overshadows what serves us best, keeping us in destructive conflict. Be honest with yourself and evaluate what will actually serve your interests. NB sometimes being right is more important - e.g. when dealing with bullies, or unethical treatment that breaches your values or the law.
2. Am I willing to understand the other party's perspective? It's important to note the question is not 'do you agree with their perspective', it is just whether you can understand it. If you can't answer this without a judgmental 'yeah they are just [insert insult of choice]' then you're probably not ready to explore conflict resolution.
3. What is my contribution to this conflict? In most scenarios it takes 2 to tango. Be honest with yourself, how are you showing up and adding to the conflict.

Okay, so to progress, I'm going to assume (1) you have let go of your need to be right (or suspended judgement for now) and (2) you understand at least some of their perspective (or are willing to explore understanding their perspective).

True conflict resolution isn't about who is 'right'...

It's about how can two parties with differing perspectives explore outcomes that meet both/all parties interests - or at the minimum, outcomes that all parties can live with that allow them to move on.

Resolving conflict through conversations

The paradox of influencing and resolving conflict is... we do it best when we focus on the other party's perspective and interests.

As a result there are 2 key principles when it comes to talking through conflict:

1. Before all else, seek to understand. Concretely, this means suspending judgement and putting yourself in their shoes as much as possible.
2. Make the other party feel heard. This means actively listening, using their words and paraphrasing back what you've heard.

That's it.

All the rest of the conversation is largely noise (until of course you get to agreeing steps to move forward).

Other options

1. Legal avenues - typically involves engaging a lawyer and submitting legal proceedings in a local, State or Federal Court. Depending on the jurisdiction, prevailing laws and case law, your case may be seen by a judge or tribunal. Such action is typically time-consuming, costly and often a zero-sum game (one party 'wins' and the other 'loses'). In reality, the only "winners" are the lawyers.
2. Non-Legal Support - e.g. Mediation. Unlike (1), a Mediator is typically not a judge or a lawyer. Instead they are an independent facilitator that guides parties through the process and discussion. They act as an impartial guide to help navigate the exploration of issues, the various perspectives and potential options of resolution. What gets decided (if anything) is completely up to the parties involved, not the Mediator. Such support is typically faster and more cost effective than legal proceedings.

In summary

there are many ways to help yourself resolve conflict. Most importantly:

• Start with yourself (and the questions above)
• Listen and seek to understand
• Be open to options
• Consider external support if you are unable to resolve a conflict yourself

I'd love to hear what your experience is like with conflict and resolving it. Feel free to comment below or send me a private message.