How to reset when you are upset?

“I am upset” is the most common answer I get in my coaching sessions when I ask, ‘How are you?’ Even though I find nothing unusual about it, the word ‘Upset’ fascinates me like an unknown dish. Imagine an unknown dish served on your table. The only thing you know about it is it’s a food item and people eat it. You don’t know the ingredients or the cooking process behind it. Similarly, the word ‘Upset’ only defines the present mental state but does not describe its details & dimensions. So, as an empathetic listener you patiently wait for the stories to unfold. When stories unfold you come to know what exactly ‘Upset’ means.

Three kinds of ‘Upset’:

1.??????Set upset: Some people are simply upset because their ‘Set’ expectations are not met. They expected their partner to behave in a certain?way and he or she didn’t do so.

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2.?????Ignored upset: Some people are upset because their upset is not taken seriously. Their upset was neglected or ignored and that made them upset.

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3.?????Measured upset: Some people get upset because their partner does not become upset enough. On the contrary some complain about how their partner gets too upset.

What to do when you are upset

1.??????Know the exact reason: Accept that you can only be upset when you set some expectations, which is humane. So, you are upset because your expectations were not met. Even though you know the root cause is your expectation, you always hope things will turn out the way they were expected. The first thing to identify here is what I am expecting and from whom.

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2.?????Practice two E’s: When you expect something from someone, the first E stands for express. Express your expectations as clearly as you can. Do not assume that people will understand your silence. Please understand, you cannot assume people to read your mind and be correct about it. It is too much of a task for others, and they will often go wrong. So, express yourself?first or else you will suffer in silence.

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If they fail to understand when you express them?then get on to the second step, explain. Explain why you are expecting, how it is going to make the future better, explain what can go wrong if these expectations are not met. Explain with grace and patience.

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3.?????Get back to basics: Reset the whole thing is about getting back to basics. When something terribly goes wrong with our mobile phone or laptop, we reset it by formatting. It brings back the default mode as if we go back to basics. Similarly, sometimes you are upset, and you know the reason, you express and explain, but it fails.

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Remember, when everything fails, get back to basics, it's kind of battery saver mode. In battery saver mode you shut down all unnecessary applications that drain your battery. Similarly, while resetting the default mode you shut down all necessary alliances & activities you have started in the hope for a better life. Eat well, sleep well, spend time with well-wishers, do what you love to do etc. This default state will not only calm you down but also make your mind agile enough to find innovative solutions. Most people find an entirely unique perspective about their problems when they reset and activate their default mode.

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The Zen master’s advice:

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A Zen master when asked, “How to practice Zen?” said, “When you are hungry, eat, when you are tired, sleep.” The curious questioner retorted, “Is it not something everyone does?” The Zen master smiled and replied, “No, not everyone does it. Most people entertain thousand desires when they eat and think about thousand plans when they sleep.” So, when you are upset, reset yourself by going back to basics.

Published earlier in the newspaper tabloid "The Desert Trail"