How to remain positive, without getting pretentious?

"Everyone tells us to remain positive. But, so many things happen in our life, which are not nice. How can we still remain positive?"?--a student asked me..

This question by the child, made me ponder “What really is positivity?”

I used to also think earlier that “positivity” means, never feeling bad or sad, always remaining thankful for whatever situation life brings upon, never cribbing, always smiling, and never expressing dissatisfaction or anger in front of anyone.?

I actually used to try to be so. But, in times when I wasn’t able to be so, I would end up saying something that would be unkind or unpleasant. At other times, I would end up feeling deeply hurt by someone’s comments and would not know how to react in such a situation. At times I used to feel pressured to say the “right” thing (and the right thing here meant something that would make the other person think, how wise or good I am). I also pretended to be okay, even when I felt terrible.?

But, soon I realized how this form of positivity is actually an eye-wash, more of a pretension to be someone whom everyone would like or find as better than others. But, it is almost equivalent to being fake. With a lot of help, I started learning ways in which I could be actually positive.. without being pretentious.?

I started observing closely, how I react to different situations. At the end of the day, I would write about the incident that had stirred me up in some way during the day. I would write down how I’m feeling about it now, how I felt about it at that time, and also, how I feel about such situations in general.?

Noting down the thoughts that accompanied the feelings, to make myself feel completely heard by myself, really helped. Being silent and breathing deeply for a few minutes after writing it all down, would make me feel quite relaxed.?

After it, then I would again reflect upon my experience with the help of a few questions..?

- Was I kind to myself? (Did I take care that I don’t say anything that can make me feel bad about myself later?)

- Did my reaction involve “a need to prove myself” or “explain myself to the other”?

- Did my reaction involve any blame for the other (an assumption that the other person is wrong) or pointing fingers at the other person (saying that you’re wrong)??

- Did I say exactly what I wanted to say or did I get sidetracked??

- Did I feel or am I feeling that I can only feel better if the other person changes his/her ways??

- Have I forgiven myself for anything that made me angry at myself??

These questions give me a closer look at where I’m in the process of being “who I am”, rather than “whom I pretend to be”. And, honestly, even though it seems like one is questioning oneself, it is actually very freeing as it helps you see the "real you", which at times your mind tries to hide away from you. (Our mind tries to hide away those aspects of our personality from us, which it feels can create any form of anxiety in us. So, usually, we see ourselves in the way our mind wants us to see ourselves, not really how “we really are”.)

Having practiced these ways for many situations now, I feel that being positive is about learning to see yourself and the world around you “as it is”, and letting go of the expectations which make you want to “fit in”.?

And, I have observed that when we practice all this, whatever the situation be, we are able to maintain a state of calm as then there is “no fight within”. It helps us lose the “picture of whom we want to come across as” to rather ‘see ourselves from our own eyes.’?

Thank you