How to be Relevant in Our Older Children's Lives... In a Life-Giving Way

Have you ever heard anyone say, “my goal is to be a terrible parent to my kids?” I hope not... We begin our journeys as parents with the best of intentions. We develop patterns of communication with our children due to the level of care required to raise a new human being. We are not like shark pups who swim away and fend for themselves the moment they are born. Babies and toddlers can’t survive on their own in the world and would perish without our help. This reality and ever-present fear (especially for 1st time parents) shapes us into the loving caretaker required for their survival. We want our children to be safe, secure, free of illness and pain. These protective parenting skills are necessary for our children. Once the communication turns from oohs and aahs to language and meaning, our style may change to something that resembles a monologue of fight or flight short sentences.

?Don’t touch that!

You must eat something!

Get that out of your mouth!

Stay away from that or you may get hurt!

You are too young to do that.

Don’t do that again or you might die!

I told you not to do that!

If they told you to jump off a bridge, would you do that?

You are not listening to me.

How many times do I have to say this?

I never want to hear you say that again!

Not again!

Your sibling(s) didn’t get to do that at your age and you can wait too.

Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you...

Because I said so...

You may have some famous phrases you say, remember or can relate to. It’s tough to break parental communication patterns, at any age. Our DNA and experiences with our own parents are deeply ingrained training that produced default parenting skills, especially in times of stress. Breaking harmful. non-productive, or non-age-appropriate parenting patterns takes curiosity, inquiry, and persistence.

Full Disclosure: My wife Karla and I are the parents of 4 wonderfully unique people: ages 32,30,28 and 18. We are interested in being better parents and they help us to grow as we try/stumble/evolve in our relationship with each other. A big thank you to them for their love and patience.
        

Curiosity

Imagining and realizing that they (your child) can’t possibly see or feel the same way as you do might be a shocker to some. In the parenting world, looking for and expecting a similar perspective to yours might be counterproductive and even a bit disappointing. We are invited to accept that a difference of perspective is expected and be open to listening even if we disagree. Embracing the beauty of each other’s uniqueness is the door to a deeper level of connection. Begin with the understanding that you will discover something you didn’t know about the other rather than looking for evidence that you are/were correct in an assumption. If we approach our relationship from a place of curiosity, the chance of our relationship being life-giving is dramatically increased.

Inquiry

Determining what’s on the other persons mind, what’s important to them, and how they feel is a simple and elegant way to connect. It’s the gateway to seeing the other. Try to refrain from comparing their story to yours when you inquire about the person that you care about. You will have plenty of time to share your experiences, perspective, and amazing exploits in future conversations (or you may have told them before). This is about them. This is about who they are at this moment, where they stand, while honoring that they have never been the person they are right now. When we are seen we are loved, when we are heard we are cared for, and when someone reflects what they heard, the door opens for them to do the same. Inquiry to find out your child’s perspective can foster feelings of empathy, compassion, and concern. When you do it, you enhance your own emotional well-being and the internal pharmacy kicks in with positive hormones. Caution: Do not judge the answers.

Persistence

Seeing and interacting as a vulnerable and contemporary parent will take time and persistence to interrupt tendencies in the relationship. Inquiries may feel like inquisitions to the receiver because of past triggers. Remember, that you have probably installed the buttons that your child thinks is being pushed during certain conversations. It may take them a while to figure out “what are they up to?” or “I know you are asking so you can give me advice.” ?You may hear “Are you Ok?” when we try new approaches. We are not what we do occasionally, rather it is what we do consistently that shapes who we are. Be diligent and patient. As our children are going through their various stages of development, we are in a diligent state to keep them safe or simply want them to avoid the mistakes we made. This is a natural thing to do. Our call is to notice and thank our protective tendencies of the past while we pull the plough forward in the field of our evolving relationship. Caution: We tend to inquire with the intention of finding out information rather than understanding. We must be relentless and humble in the pursuit of understanding and connection.

Avoid Already Listening

It's easy to slip into assumptions as to what is going on with others and how they feel. We tend to critique the ones we know the best in artful and consistent ways. Our thoughts and words may begin with... You always do_____... This is called “already listening.” Familiarity coupled with assumption is the enemy of curiosity. Our perspective trumps theirs because we know what they are like and how they respond to us and the world. This was very helpful when the child that you were responsible for tended to run toward danger in their unique and creative ways. As children mature these basic parenting skills just might keep the growing person from thriving in a relationship with you, themselves, and others. Never underestimate your influence on or in your children’s lives whether positive, neutral, or perceived as negative. We have impact today, tomorrow and even when we are no longer on this earth with them. A sobering thought... and maybe a call to action?

You Have a Choice and You Can Do It!

As we move along the parental timeline, we become aware that our impact is negligible in the daily lives of our older children, however that doesn’t mean our jobs are done as loving and caring parents. “It’s now somebody else’s problem,” is not a life-giving way to maintain connection. We want to make a positive difference in their lives and know that what we do as parents matters in their lives, regardless of age and circumstances.

We have a choice to be bitter or better. The bitter may be to blame our perceived shortcomings or inadequate parenting skills on our parents or be a victim of circumstance. The better choice is to become a better parent for ourselves and those we love by trying other ways of connection. We honor the best of what we did as parents that served the relationship, while choosing to grow. You may ask them what you do well as a parent if you want to know their perspective. Be brave and ask what you can do better as well. You may share that you want to be a positive influence/participant in their life in a new way. It takes courage to share your goal or intention without knowing how they will respond. I'm hopeful that a move toward someone with the best of intentions can only be perceived as inauthentic for a while... Keep trying!

?Questions and Curious Inquiries to Foster Connection        

Context: You truly want to know more about what’s important today, not yesterday.

What’s important to you in your life right now? - (not, what’s going on?)

?Context: You want to be included in the details of what brings them joy.

What are you excited about?

?Context: You want to keep the conversation in the present and not the past.

Tell me what would be great if it happened today?

?Context: You want to have a better feel as to what their work/home life is like – not just a title or a story to share at a cocktail party.

I would love to know more about your job/career – What is it like for you?

What does a typical day look like for you?

?Context: You care about what the dynamics are in their life.

What is challenging you right now? What is going well right now?

?Context: You want to have a feel as to what they're anticipating, so you can check on later to enhance connection.

What are you curious about that might be happening soon?

?Context: What are they passionate about so you can encourage and relish.

What lights you on fire?

?Context: You want to to know what provides a sense of accomplishment to affirm/encourage.

What are you proud of?

?Context: You want to have a feel for what might be new or something you didn’t know about them.

What type of hobbies or things are you doing that fill you up?

What do you do to feel free or have fun?

Your goal is to be curious, inquire, and reflect what you hear to connect in a new way.